Dear friends and family,
Have now finished most of the Chemo for this hospital round; hope to hear today about my bone marrow biopsy of last week to see if I'm still in remission and if we can proceed -- finally -- with the spinal chemo. Will be a relief to get that behind me and to know that I have 2 full Chemo treatments completed and only 4 more to go in this first "incubation" stage (lasting approx. 6 months). I made up my mind awhile ago to focus on what's been completed rather than what lies ahead!
Things are going well so far today. My blood counts are holding their own. My pain is more tolerable....and we now have something that works for the nauseau.
I'm feeling surprisingly upbeat today. Maybe it's the cold grey weather (yep, as odd as it may seem, I love the coziness of a cold, grey day).... Maybe there is a sense of Grace flowing into and through my inner being. Whatever it is, I am keenly aware of it. There's an unmistakable feeling that everything is going to be OK, that this illness has a HUGE purpose in my life and that all is exactly as it should be. How wonderful it would be to be in this "knowing-ness" throughout life, to never let it dim or let doubt erode its power and presence!
Today I get to get off of the neutropenic diet again (meaning I can have fresh fruits and veggies). I'll be having a salad for lunch. It's amazing not to be able to each FRESH fruits and vegetables. A real treat for today!
Feeling a little funky (nauseau) at the moment, so will sign out and may write more a bit later.....
Love to each of you... Heidi
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday -- Day After Christmas
My dear friends and family,
I woke up this morning feeling such overwhelming gratitude for all my friends. Whatever else this journey has in store for me, one thing is for sure: it is deepening my connection, love and care for each one of you. And when it is all said and done, what is more important in life than the love we share? There's a beautiful song I first heard in the ashram called "Nature Boy" by Nat King Cole. This one phrase has always remained with me, and is particularly meaningful to me this morning: "the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."
So simple...perhaps not always easy... Learning to love (accept, welcome) even the difficult experiences and people who have different styles and natures. Above all, learning more about self love. The first few weeks of this illness I found myself wondering what I did "wrong" that has drawn this experience into my life. Through the loving reminders of friends and family I am gradually turning my perspective around to feelings of gratitude for being so strong and courageous. There are many blessings incubating deep inside through this healing journey.
I dare say I had the most amazing Christmas in my life yesterday. 16 or more (lost count) showed up in my hospital room. My dear cousin, Jory, came down from LA, from his home in Seattle, with guitar in hand and we all sang Beatles' songs and Christmas songs. The whole second floor of the hospital was rocking out! Ana made me the most DELICIOUS Christmas dinner and after everyone left, dear Steve came by and we watched the movie Wall Street together. An OK movie...nothing terribly special, but oh so nice watching it with a good friend. Peter came to my room towards the end just to wish me a good night. It was such a satisfying day....a true gift.
All of this on top of hearing that my blood counts had improved dramatically!!!!! I had woken up at 2 a.m. Christmas day, wide awake and feeling the urge to meditate, visualize and affirm. For 4 hours I lay in bed listening to some truly powerful CD's around healing. At 6 a.m. they took my blood and in a couple of hours the doctor came in to say that my White Blood Count had gone from 1.7 to a whopping 3.2 (almost in the normal range) in one day! It rarely happens that the WBC takes this type of leap and it is a very good sign that my life force is working its magic! All my other counts were similar -- what we wanted to see go up, went up and what we wanted to see go down (lymphocytes, which show the presence of cancer in the blood) went down by 15%!
What a tangible experience of how our thoughts and intentions affect our health! As a result, I decided to set aside a special time each day for this wonderful elixir of mind/body self-generated healing. Along with this is the commitment to be gentle with myself if my counts fluctuate in spite of my efforts. I am finding that managing my expectations is particularly tricky for me. I so want my healing to be a linear, straight upward path. But there will be twists and turns that I must also welcome. Like this morning when my blood pressure is up to around 180, and has been going higher and higher since yesterday. They are trying to figure out why.
I will be going into my 6th or 7th week of being in the hospital this coming week. (I've deliberately lost count.) The sameness of my surroundings is made bright, warm and loving by all the visits/phone calls and emails I receive from you. I'm going to start drawing today, and reading...and perhaps begin to formulate ideas around writing a book about my healing journey. WHEN Leukemia is just a distant memory and am back to my strong self, I want to be an ally in some form for others who are going through this illness.
As soon as I get photos from Christmas Day I will post them on this blog. So stay tuned and be sure to check them out in the next few days!
Much, much love and good wishes for a bright New Year when at least a few (if not all) of your cherished dreams come true!
Heidi
I woke up this morning feeling such overwhelming gratitude for all my friends. Whatever else this journey has in store for me, one thing is for sure: it is deepening my connection, love and care for each one of you. And when it is all said and done, what is more important in life than the love we share? There's a beautiful song I first heard in the ashram called "Nature Boy" by Nat King Cole. This one phrase has always remained with me, and is particularly meaningful to me this morning: "the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."
So simple...perhaps not always easy... Learning to love (accept, welcome) even the difficult experiences and people who have different styles and natures. Above all, learning more about self love. The first few weeks of this illness I found myself wondering what I did "wrong" that has drawn this experience into my life. Through the loving reminders of friends and family I am gradually turning my perspective around to feelings of gratitude for being so strong and courageous. There are many blessings incubating deep inside through this healing journey.
I dare say I had the most amazing Christmas in my life yesterday. 16 or more (lost count) showed up in my hospital room. My dear cousin, Jory, came down from LA, from his home in Seattle, with guitar in hand and we all sang Beatles' songs and Christmas songs. The whole second floor of the hospital was rocking out! Ana made me the most DELICIOUS Christmas dinner and after everyone left, dear Steve came by and we watched the movie Wall Street together. An OK movie...nothing terribly special, but oh so nice watching it with a good friend. Peter came to my room towards the end just to wish me a good night. It was such a satisfying day....a true gift.
All of this on top of hearing that my blood counts had improved dramatically!!!!! I had woken up at 2 a.m. Christmas day, wide awake and feeling the urge to meditate, visualize and affirm. For 4 hours I lay in bed listening to some truly powerful CD's around healing. At 6 a.m. they took my blood and in a couple of hours the doctor came in to say that my White Blood Count had gone from 1.7 to a whopping 3.2 (almost in the normal range) in one day! It rarely happens that the WBC takes this type of leap and it is a very good sign that my life force is working its magic! All my other counts were similar -- what we wanted to see go up, went up and what we wanted to see go down (lymphocytes, which show the presence of cancer in the blood) went down by 15%!
What a tangible experience of how our thoughts and intentions affect our health! As a result, I decided to set aside a special time each day for this wonderful elixir of mind/body self-generated healing. Along with this is the commitment to be gentle with myself if my counts fluctuate in spite of my efforts. I am finding that managing my expectations is particularly tricky for me. I so want my healing to be a linear, straight upward path. But there will be twists and turns that I must also welcome. Like this morning when my blood pressure is up to around 180, and has been going higher and higher since yesterday. They are trying to figure out why.
I will be going into my 6th or 7th week of being in the hospital this coming week. (I've deliberately lost count.) The sameness of my surroundings is made bright, warm and loving by all the visits/phone calls and emails I receive from you. I'm going to start drawing today, and reading...and perhaps begin to formulate ideas around writing a book about my healing journey. WHEN Leukemia is just a distant memory and am back to my strong self, I want to be an ally in some form for others who are going through this illness.
As soon as I get photos from Christmas Day I will post them on this blog. So stay tuned and be sure to check them out in the next few days!
Much, much love and good wishes for a bright New Year when at least a few (if not all) of your cherished dreams come true!
Heidi
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Party Tomorrow at Hospital
Just a p.s. to my blog entry of this morning (click on the entry at right titled "Greetings this day before Christmas" for the latest update): Anyone in town on Christmas Day is welcome to come by my hospital room and celebrate some Christmas Cheer. Bring goodies -- and there will also be some here...
TIME: NOON
PLACE: ROOM 2105 (Kaiser Hosp. in San Diego, off Zion)
Hope to see your smiling faces!
TIME: NOON
PLACE: ROOM 2105 (Kaiser Hosp. in San Diego, off Zion)
Hope to see your smiling faces!
Greetings on this day before Christmas!
Woke up as the first glint of sun entered my room....a welcome warm glow after days of grey. Felt energized (!) so straightened up my room, got my little "Christmas corner" organized -- a small tree, few packages, and goodies that I WILL relish on Christmas day! Enough of this neutropenic diet I've been on! (a diet they put you on in the hosp. when your white blood count is very low that excludes fresh fruit and vegetables). I can feel my restlessness beginning to stir after 6-7 weeks of laying in bed, eating hospital food (for the most part) and being "confined" to an environment and situation that gives me very little breadth or control over my activities.
I look out the window and dream about all the Christmas festivities taking place...the brightly colored shops and homes. The Christmas songs and jingles we've all grown so used to we almost take them for granted. I would love to smell that wonderful pine scent of a fresh Chrismas wreath...and I find a fair amount of satisfaction in my forays into imagination and memories....
The hospital Chaplain came in yesterday quite by surprise. Once we got through his formal "speil" we began to see we both love the mystical side of life. I loved it when he set aside his Bible and just began talking with me from his heart, sharing his secret desire to have been a monk instead of following the householder life, how (we have both) struggled with surrender...REAL surrender. It was wonderful finding a place of mutuality with this chaplain who follows a very different path than my own... We talked about finding a greater intimacy with the Divine and then, before leaving, he prayed for me with such sincere words that tears ran down my cheeks. It was touching.
For some mysterious reason, my white blood count hovers at about 1.6 The normal range is between 4-11 I believe. The doctors are puzzled and I am too. Every day I visualize those white blood cells increasing, becoming fat and happy with the Divine Light! When you send a loving thought or prayer my way, please join me in stimulating these wonderful cells into reproductive action!
The doctors have been waiting for these cells to increase before beginning the next phase of chemo, but decided yesterday to start anyway. They don't wish to delay it any further. So I'm going to take a trip into Chemo-ville again. It's not the most pleasant place, to be sure, but it does help me focus on bringing in the Light, surrendering to the Good, and to know that I'll be one step closer to finishing the treatment for Leukemia.
The nurse just came in to begin the Chemo treatment. Wish me luck!
Woke up as the first glint of sun entered my room....a welcome warm glow after days of grey. Felt energized (!) so straightened up my room, got my little "Christmas corner" organized -- a small tree, few packages, and goodies that I WILL relish on Christmas day! Enough of this neutropenic diet I've been on! (a diet they put you on in the hosp. when your white blood count is very low that excludes fresh fruit and vegetables). I can feel my restlessness beginning to stir after 6-7 weeks of laying in bed, eating hospital food (for the most part) and being "confined" to an environment and situation that gives me very little breadth or control over my activities.
I look out the window and dream about all the Christmas festivities taking place...the brightly colored shops and homes. The Christmas songs and jingles we've all grown so used to we almost take them for granted. I would love to smell that wonderful pine scent of a fresh Chrismas wreath...and I find a fair amount of satisfaction in my forays into imagination and memories....
The hospital Chaplain came in yesterday quite by surprise. Once we got through his formal "speil" we began to see we both love the mystical side of life. I loved it when he set aside his Bible and just began talking with me from his heart, sharing his secret desire to have been a monk instead of following the householder life, how (we have both) struggled with surrender...REAL surrender. It was wonderful finding a place of mutuality with this chaplain who follows a very different path than my own... We talked about finding a greater intimacy with the Divine and then, before leaving, he prayed for me with such sincere words that tears ran down my cheeks. It was touching.
For some mysterious reason, my white blood count hovers at about 1.6 The normal range is between 4-11 I believe. The doctors are puzzled and I am too. Every day I visualize those white blood cells increasing, becoming fat and happy with the Divine Light! When you send a loving thought or prayer my way, please join me in stimulating these wonderful cells into reproductive action!
The doctors have been waiting for these cells to increase before beginning the next phase of chemo, but decided yesterday to start anyway. They don't wish to delay it any further. So I'm going to take a trip into Chemo-ville again. It's not the most pleasant place, to be sure, but it does help me focus on bringing in the Light, surrendering to the Good, and to know that I'll be one step closer to finishing the treatment for Leukemia.
The nurse just came in to begin the Chemo treatment. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Hi Everyone,
A Christmas gift came in the form of a HUGE boost of energy today! I woke up and immediately felt something was different.... like when you have a bad flu and one morning wake up knowing you have turned a corner -- energy, inspiration flowing, appetite better, more alert. Whatever the reason for this shift, I am grateful to feel among the living. Took a 30 min. (!) walk down the hospital hallways...connecting with patients, nurses and doctors, looking out the windows on this floor at the grey rainy skies and rain-soaked hills. The usual Christmas decor strewn here and there on this floor looked magical to me. Perhaps at another time I would have seen it as "plastic" and "fake" -- but today it was pure beauty, down to the sugary candy canes and clumped silver tinsel!
On the reverse side of things, I have also been experiencing different and more intense types of pain in the last few days. But the miracles of Western Medicine came to my rescue in the form of a very powerful pain killer (which ordinarily I would try my hardest to keep from taking). Under the circumstances I willingly, gratefully and eagerly take it. Once it begins to work its wonders, I start to feel the pain ebbing from my nerve endings (and beginnings!). I have realized that all the energy used in dealing with the pain can now be directed into more positive feelings. So my latest mantra is: God bless pain killers!
Am still waiting to see if the spinal chemo treatment will happen today. All depends on my blood counts. As the day progresses, however, it seems less likely that this will occur.....
I'm not sure which angels or devas or mystical Christmas elves may be sprinkling blessings of good feelings into my body and spirit, but for the first time in 6 weeks I feel a deep sense of well being despite my present circumstances.
Thank you again for your continued interest in my welfare, for your love, prayers and friendship....
Heidi
A Christmas gift came in the form of a HUGE boost of energy today! I woke up and immediately felt something was different.... like when you have a bad flu and one morning wake up knowing you have turned a corner -- energy, inspiration flowing, appetite better, more alert. Whatever the reason for this shift, I am grateful to feel among the living. Took a 30 min. (!) walk down the hospital hallways...connecting with patients, nurses and doctors, looking out the windows on this floor at the grey rainy skies and rain-soaked hills. The usual Christmas decor strewn here and there on this floor looked magical to me. Perhaps at another time I would have seen it as "plastic" and "fake" -- but today it was pure beauty, down to the sugary candy canes and clumped silver tinsel!
On the reverse side of things, I have also been experiencing different and more intense types of pain in the last few days. But the miracles of Western Medicine came to my rescue in the form of a very powerful pain killer (which ordinarily I would try my hardest to keep from taking). Under the circumstances I willingly, gratefully and eagerly take it. Once it begins to work its wonders, I start to feel the pain ebbing from my nerve endings (and beginnings!). I have realized that all the energy used in dealing with the pain can now be directed into more positive feelings. So my latest mantra is: God bless pain killers!
Am still waiting to see if the spinal chemo treatment will happen today. All depends on my blood counts. As the day progresses, however, it seems less likely that this will occur.....
I'm not sure which angels or devas or mystical Christmas elves may be sprinkling blessings of good feelings into my body and spirit, but for the first time in 6 weeks I feel a deep sense of well being despite my present circumstances.
Thank you again for your continued interest in my welfare, for your love, prayers and friendship....
Heidi
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, Christmas Week
Dearest friends and family,
Just a quick, but oh so deeply felt, thank you for all your support via phone calls, emails, thoughts, prayers.... Sometimes I'm not quite up to responding. If you don't hear back from me, know that I have cherished your every word of love and good cheer, and send you -- on etheric wings -- my appreciation for all you are to me!
Just a quick, but oh so deeply felt, thank you for all your support via phone calls, emails, thoughts, prayers.... Sometimes I'm not quite up to responding. If you don't hear back from me, know that I have cherished your every word of love and good cheer, and send you -- on etheric wings -- my appreciation for all you are to me!
I dare say an experience like this has a way of shaking up any complacency and "taking it for granted" attitudes. I was just thinking last night how nice it would be to hop in my car, drive over to Trader Joe's, pick up something yummy, then come home to an enjoyable evening of candles and pre-Christmas coziness. Little things -- as small as breathing in the fresh air or getting my boots wet in the rain -- I miss so very much right now. I can look out the little sliver of a window I have in my room and see the rain falling (and falling and falling!). I'm keeping in touch with the sky from my hospital bed.... that big overarching sky that remains, in essence, changeless, regardless of clouds or rainbows.
"Develop a mind that is vast like space, where experiences both pleasant and unpleasant can appear and disappear without conflict, struggle or harm. Rest in a mind like vast sky." Majjhima Nikaya
Oh how I wish it were that easy! The mind can create a whole story around suffering, as mine has at times, by weaving together thoughts of the past with the pain of the present. Issues of life, death, connection with Spirit and the Universe, my relationships with friends and above all, with self, are clearly and unmistakably before me as never before.
I need reminders right now to WELCOME my current experience and feelings, regardless of what they are....even my inability to muster up a positive attitude at times. Welcome, Open, Allow (rather than stuff feelings), Vsualize, Afirm health and goodness. I've had a few days that have allowed me to explore deeper levels of my fear and worry -- not in a way that fixates on the negative, but that opens me to a deeper gratitude, acceptance and allowance. There are times when this flow is there and they generate even more strength and inner peace.
The doctors are shifting around my medications and I feel we have finally found the right combination for the nausea and pain. One of my doctors just came by to see me and started talking about the chakra system (Kaiser has come a long way!) He told me how medical science is discovering that biology (such as a chemo-devastated digestive system) can actually affect moods (as well as vice versa).
Hopefully, if my blood counts recover a bit by tomorrow (Wed.) I can begin with the second phase of the chemo -- into my spine. Wow! Notice how I wrote "Hopefully"! Am I really eager for the chemo to begin? Actually, I'd just like to get it behind me!
Til soon..... May each day of this week be blessed with easy navigating through rain puddles, bright smiles and a warm hearth and hearts surrounding you.
Heidi
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Saturday, December 18
Hi Everyone,
This past week has brought some clarity about my healing journey. It's no small matter to shut down the blood-making factory in the body (the bone marrow) which is what happened when I was in the hospital recently. It is stripped down to the foundation and the doctors wait to see how/when/if the body begins to create more cancer-free blood. In my case, I was fortunate that that process began to happen fairly soon and I was released a week or so early from the hospital.
I hadn't fully acknowledged how drastic this "factory shutdown", albeit temporary, is and how to factor it in to the whole Leukemia healing process. I had expected to bounce back quicker after the hospital but found most days all I could do was sleep and get a little food down. So my oncologist's wonderful nurse, Irna, and I had a very helpful talk yesterday. Irna is undoubtedly one of the kindest nurses I've ever met, with the most loving bedside manner who also has a broad knowledge about Leukemia. She's been working with leukemia patients for many years. She told me that it often takes at least a month to start feeling your oats again after treatment, sometimes longer.
This may seem like a small matter, but Irna explained how it is very common to have difficulty during the treatment stage I'm in. Reaching remission is incredible! With Leukemia, however, the treatment goes on for months after remission is reached. There's a natural tendency to expect to be at the "finish line" sooner, once remission is achieved. Alot of patience is required now.
Perspective, humor, inspiration, friends, -- these are so vital. I go into this week's treatment with renewed commitment to immerse myself in the Light, to stay connected to my deeper dimensions and to give and receive LOVE to the best of my ability.
Love, Love, Love to all of you! AND HAPPY LAST MIN. XMAS SHOPPING....
Heidi
This past week has brought some clarity about my healing journey. It's no small matter to shut down the blood-making factory in the body (the bone marrow) which is what happened when I was in the hospital recently. It is stripped down to the foundation and the doctors wait to see how/when/if the body begins to create more cancer-free blood. In my case, I was fortunate that that process began to happen fairly soon and I was released a week or so early from the hospital.
I hadn't fully acknowledged how drastic this "factory shutdown", albeit temporary, is and how to factor it in to the whole Leukemia healing process. I had expected to bounce back quicker after the hospital but found most days all I could do was sleep and get a little food down. So my oncologist's wonderful nurse, Irna, and I had a very helpful talk yesterday. Irna is undoubtedly one of the kindest nurses I've ever met, with the most loving bedside manner who also has a broad knowledge about Leukemia. She's been working with leukemia patients for many years. She told me that it often takes at least a month to start feeling your oats again after treatment, sometimes longer.
This may seem like a small matter, but Irna explained how it is very common to have difficulty during the treatment stage I'm in. Reaching remission is incredible! With Leukemia, however, the treatment goes on for months after remission is reached. There's a natural tendency to expect to be at the "finish line" sooner, once remission is achieved. Alot of patience is required now.
Perspective, humor, inspiration, friends, -- these are so vital. I go into this week's treatment with renewed commitment to immerse myself in the Light, to stay connected to my deeper dimensions and to give and receive LOVE to the best of my ability.
Love, Love, Love to all of you! AND HAPPY LAST MIN. XMAS SHOPPING....
Heidi
Thursday, December 16, 2010
IN REMISSION!
I was thrilled to learn yesterday that I am in full remission; they couldn't find any cancer cells in my bone marrow. My wonderful oncologist, Dr. Pollokoff, expected this from how he'd seen me respond to the chemo. What I also learned yesterday was what the next stage of treatment involves, besides chemo into the spinal fluid: a possible one month stay (again) in the hospital while they monitor all my blood levels -- platelets, hemoglobin, white blood cells -- which go way down through this phase of the treatment as well. This means I've got to be as tough inwardly as I can to get through another month of nausea, etc. etc. They may let me out before a month, depending on how I do. My treatment will stretch on like this for several months before I get to the maintainence phase. During this time I'll be in and out of the hospital. Initially I hadn't realized what a long haul this was going to be, so am doing my best to adjust my attitude as best I can.
Being home the last few days has been nice. Away from Chemo, my taste buds are coming back and my wonderful neighbor, Julia, is making yummy meals for me. Definitely food, when I'm not nauseous, is one of the few pleasures right now.....
The world is spinning round its orbit, Christmas toys are flying off the shelves, people are planning lovely holiday activities. I hope all of you are feeling the spirit of the season. This morning was thinking of remote forest scene. A wide open field surrounded by tall alpine mountains and a beautiful lone pine tree reflecting in a lake. Thick snow on its branches. So silent except for the occasional gust of wind. Nothing and no one around for miles and miles. It is completely untouched in its natural beauty...... That image gives me inspiration...
Love to all of you.
Being home the last few days has been nice. Away from Chemo, my taste buds are coming back and my wonderful neighbor, Julia, is making yummy meals for me. Definitely food, when I'm not nauseous, is one of the few pleasures right now.....
The world is spinning round its orbit, Christmas toys are flying off the shelves, people are planning lovely holiday activities. I hope all of you are feeling the spirit of the season. This morning was thinking of remote forest scene. A wide open field surrounded by tall alpine mountains and a beautiful lone pine tree reflecting in a lake. Thick snow on its branches. So silent except for the occasional gust of wind. Nothing and no one around for miles and miles. It is completely untouched in its natural beauty...... That image gives me inspiration...
Love to all of you.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Catching up from yesterday..... Home now, but seemed to have triple the nausea than before, and ended up sleeping most of the day. One of my next door neighbors has made me her volunteer "Christmas project" so comes by several times a day, fixes my means, shops, and pretty much anything else I might need. I feel so fortunate for this type of flow right now. What I need is showing up without a whole lot of effort on my part. Makes me feel a sort of mystical support, an "unseen" hand working on my behalf behind the obvious brick and mortar of this third dimension.
Today I have a very significant appt. with my main oncologist, Dr. Pollikoff. He's a wonderful doctor and the senior oncologist at Kaiser (voted best overal doc at Kaiser for 2010). Peter is going with me for make sure we get all our questions answered, and for moral support. We will find out of the treatment thus far has put me into remission. If it has, most likely next week I'll start the next phase of the treatment having to do with my spinal fluid and brain which will bring me back into the hospital for another several weeks.
Coming home had a soothing quality, for sure....but I felt a strange kind of aloneness, after having been surrounded by so many people (nurses, doctors, friends) at the hosp. It was a good aloneness because it was uncomfortable, so I knew I had some inner work to do to be at peace. Meditation, reading a little, and having my neighbor/friend in and out got me through the day. More than being alone, I think it was just feeling so on my own so soon....no ability to know what my blood counts are, or how I'm doing otherwise..... It's been a month now since I got Leukemia and the relentless tiredness (am very restricted in what I can do) is a challenge for my Aires nature! Today I will find out when my energy is due back.
Stay tuned on this blog as I will post the results of the doctor's visit a bit later in the day! I'm counting on, claiming, and knowing it will be GOOD news!
Love to you all, Heidi
Today I have a very significant appt. with my main oncologist, Dr. Pollikoff. He's a wonderful doctor and the senior oncologist at Kaiser (voted best overal doc at Kaiser for 2010). Peter is going with me for make sure we get all our questions answered, and for moral support. We will find out of the treatment thus far has put me into remission. If it has, most likely next week I'll start the next phase of the treatment having to do with my spinal fluid and brain which will bring me back into the hospital for another several weeks.
Coming home had a soothing quality, for sure....but I felt a strange kind of aloneness, after having been surrounded by so many people (nurses, doctors, friends) at the hosp. It was a good aloneness because it was uncomfortable, so I knew I had some inner work to do to be at peace. Meditation, reading a little, and having my neighbor/friend in and out got me through the day. More than being alone, I think it was just feeling so on my own so soon....no ability to know what my blood counts are, or how I'm doing otherwise..... It's been a month now since I got Leukemia and the relentless tiredness (am very restricted in what I can do) is a challenge for my Aires nature! Today I will find out when my energy is due back.
Stay tuned on this blog as I will post the results of the doctor's visit a bit later in the day! I'm counting on, claiming, and knowing it will be GOOD news!
Love to you all, Heidi
Monday, December 13, 2010
December 13, 2010
Hi Everyone! I was discharged yesterday (as I currently understand it, only for a week). Then go back in for the next phase of Chemo. Stayed the night with Peter and will be going back to Oceanside this afternoon. Feels a little strange being out of the hospital with pretty much the same symptoms as when in the hosp., but without the security blanket of the nurses. My goals for this week: somehow get the nausea to subside! Start walking a little each day (spent almost 3 1/2 weeks mostly sleeping, and the muscles seemed to turn into jello).
I see my oncologist this Wednesday at 9:40 a.m. and will be hearing "HEIDI, YOU ARE IN REMISSION!" (This is my visualization and affirmation. I know I'll here those magical words.)
Woke up this morning reflecting again on Leukemia and me and how the two of us got pushed together in the same cable car of life. I think I needed to be more on the feeling level than the thinking level, so I became still, and tears began to flow. I realized that for the most part during the time I had first heard about Leukemia a month ago, til now, I haven't really touched way down into my feelings... Today I felt a little grief over everything, but it was short-lived -- like a bubble that comes up, shows you your reflection and then pops into thin air.
Thank you all for your love and prayers.
I see my oncologist this Wednesday at 9:40 a.m. and will be hearing "HEIDI, YOU ARE IN REMISSION!" (This is my visualization and affirmation. I know I'll here those magical words.)
Woke up this morning reflecting again on Leukemia and me and how the two of us got pushed together in the same cable car of life. I think I needed to be more on the feeling level than the thinking level, so I became still, and tears began to flow. I realized that for the most part during the time I had first heard about Leukemia a month ago, til now, I haven't really touched way down into my feelings... Today I felt a little grief over everything, but it was short-lived -- like a bubble that comes up, shows you your reflection and then pops into thin air.
Thank you all for your love and prayers.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Hi Everyone,
Got my last dose of chemo yesterday (until the next phase of treatment picks up in about a week)....slept, or was in a half way sleep state, a good portion of the day admist some wonderful friends visiting, giving healing love, and the sweetest nuturing. After 3 weeks of being unable to touch another person (without gloves), it felt good to feel the good 'ol physical energy of caring, skin to skin.
I'm supposed to be released today and take the next week getting my strength for round two which is another stay of 3 weeks in the hospital! It was a shock to learn that. The doctor admitted that the treatment for leukemia is the most rugged of them all!.. I don't think this is because of any setback for me, but just the protocol they follow since they'll be doing chemo in my spinal column. Just wonder why I'm finding out about it now rather than a few weeks ago when the treatment plan was explained to me (I thought) in detail. I will ask questions this morning!
Once this latest round of chemo wears off in a couplf of days I'll start feeling better. Yesterday could feel my strength come back, and my appetite....felt good to be moving toward a more positive shift in my condition. It's truly, truly a "take it one day at a time" situation. Spiritually, I've never been able to really "stay" in the present moment like I've been doing in the hospital. Really good practice!
I will get through this! One day not too far from now I will back on how the God, through the hands of western medicine, brought me back from the brink. I'll be taking my trips to the local Trader Joe's, going to movies, walking in nature. And I'll never forget how my friends and family were encircled around me, solid and true and unwavering. I can now speak from experience how love can pull you through the most difficult circumstances.
When you're outside today, take in a big gulp of fresh air for me. Oh how I miss it!
xxxoooo Heidi
Got my last dose of chemo yesterday (until the next phase of treatment picks up in about a week)....slept, or was in a half way sleep state, a good portion of the day admist some wonderful friends visiting, giving healing love, and the sweetest nuturing. After 3 weeks of being unable to touch another person (without gloves), it felt good to feel the good 'ol physical energy of caring, skin to skin.
I'm supposed to be released today and take the next week getting my strength for round two which is another stay of 3 weeks in the hospital! It was a shock to learn that. The doctor admitted that the treatment for leukemia is the most rugged of them all!.. I don't think this is because of any setback for me, but just the protocol they follow since they'll be doing chemo in my spinal column. Just wonder why I'm finding out about it now rather than a few weeks ago when the treatment plan was explained to me (I thought) in detail. I will ask questions this morning!
Once this latest round of chemo wears off in a couplf of days I'll start feeling better. Yesterday could feel my strength come back, and my appetite....felt good to be moving toward a more positive shift in my condition. It's truly, truly a "take it one day at a time" situation. Spiritually, I've never been able to really "stay" in the present moment like I've been doing in the hospital. Really good practice!
I will get through this! One day not too far from now I will back on how the God, through the hands of western medicine, brought me back from the brink. I'll be taking my trips to the local Trader Joe's, going to movies, walking in nature. And I'll never forget how my friends and family were encircled around me, solid and true and unwavering. I can now speak from experience how love can pull you through the most difficult circumstances.
When you're outside today, take in a big gulp of fresh air for me. Oh how I miss it!
xxxoooo Heidi
Friday, December 10, 2010
Dearest ones,
Yesterday was spent in absolute oblivion, knocked out by one drug or another -- to manage the pain, nauseau, etc. I think I literally slept about 24 hours. They say that healing takes place on the subconscious level, when we are resting in the soul so hopefully I got a good strong dose of it. They took another bone marrow biopsy yesterday. This will be a significant one and will tell if the cancer has gone into remission. I was proud of myself. The first one I had a few weeks ago I was very expression (when the drill went into my bone grinding in like a corkskrew). But yesterday I was prepared for the drilling and sucking of marrow and was quite (for the most part) like a little kitten. Pain is relative. When all you feel (mostly) is pain, you get ennured to it somewhat. How how I long for a foot rub -- to offset so many unpleasant sensations!
Nauseau is another matter! Making friends with nauseau has eluded me so far. I've tried every nauseau medication they have, to no avail. Then I asked the doctor about medical marijuana and it turns out they have a pill call merinal that is a derivitive of the main ingredient in marijuana that helps with nausea. My nausea went away! But a definite whooozy, altered state came over me that I hadn't felt since I was 17. I wasn't sure what would come out of my mouth. I would say something to the nurses (God knows what!) and they would giggle. All in all it was pleasant!
I think they're still thinking of releasing me this sunday. As soon as I'm well enough I'll go wig shopping and either go for some simple "do' or something quite different just for fun.
My biopsy results don't come for another week. My treatment seems to be entering a new phase (next week). I'll find out more and let you know.
Love to each of you,
Heidi
Yesterday was spent in absolute oblivion, knocked out by one drug or another -- to manage the pain, nauseau, etc. I think I literally slept about 24 hours. They say that healing takes place on the subconscious level, when we are resting in the soul so hopefully I got a good strong dose of it. They took another bone marrow biopsy yesterday. This will be a significant one and will tell if the cancer has gone into remission. I was proud of myself. The first one I had a few weeks ago I was very expression (when the drill went into my bone grinding in like a corkskrew). But yesterday I was prepared for the drilling and sucking of marrow and was quite (for the most part) like a little kitten. Pain is relative. When all you feel (mostly) is pain, you get ennured to it somewhat. How how I long for a foot rub -- to offset so many unpleasant sensations!
Nauseau is another matter! Making friends with nauseau has eluded me so far. I've tried every nauseau medication they have, to no avail. Then I asked the doctor about medical marijuana and it turns out they have a pill call merinal that is a derivitive of the main ingredient in marijuana that helps with nausea. My nausea went away! But a definite whooozy, altered state came over me that I hadn't felt since I was 17. I wasn't sure what would come out of my mouth. I would say something to the nurses (God knows what!) and they would giggle. All in all it was pleasant!
I think they're still thinking of releasing me this sunday. As soon as I'm well enough I'll go wig shopping and either go for some simple "do' or something quite different just for fun.
My biopsy results don't come for another week. My treatment seems to be entering a new phase (next week). I'll find out more and let you know.
Love to each of you,
Heidi
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
"Perhaps life is calling you right now to find a place in yourself that reflects this divine audacity and flexible strength in the face of all odds. Sometimes the worst of life can bring out the best in us. It's then that we come closer to what is truly divine within." Sufi book
I'm grateful today that my healing has not been linear, and gradually progressive without any bumps in the road. I've seen in my life and the life of others that a quick healing often puts us right back where were in life -- the same lifestyles, habits, attitudes. This Leukemia came into my life like a tidal wave, utterly impossible to ignore, brush off, turn away from. It got the core of me -- my blood -- and there was only one thing to do, and that is make friends with it. Partner with it, all the while the chemo medicines were being pumped in me with nauseating regularity. I saw it as a symphony of many parts all working together and not apart.
Maybe these efforts, along with the many prayers on my behalf prompted the doctor to tell me last night that I'm doing so well he's thinking of an early release -- next week. Then would begin my outpatient treatment. My bloodwork is looking better and better each day!
One little wrinkle is they've found an infection in my blook they are trying to knock out now. They may need to remove the PICC line inserted in my arm as they think that's the culprit, and then put a new one in on Sat. for my final chemo.
My room on the third floor has a tiny little sliver of a window to look out. I see the plumes of smoke from the Kaiser generators -- glistening in the sun, forming magnificient shapes, quite beautiful.
My 80++ year old aunt made it safely from LA yesterday and will spend part of today going through old family photos.
Am feeling extremely nauseous today! Thank you for your prayers.
I'm grateful today that my healing has not been linear, and gradually progressive without any bumps in the road. I've seen in my life and the life of others that a quick healing often puts us right back where were in life -- the same lifestyles, habits, attitudes. This Leukemia came into my life like a tidal wave, utterly impossible to ignore, brush off, turn away from. It got the core of me -- my blood -- and there was only one thing to do, and that is make friends with it. Partner with it, all the while the chemo medicines were being pumped in me with nauseating regularity. I saw it as a symphony of many parts all working together and not apart.
Maybe these efforts, along with the many prayers on my behalf prompted the doctor to tell me last night that I'm doing so well he's thinking of an early release -- next week. Then would begin my outpatient treatment. My bloodwork is looking better and better each day!
One little wrinkle is they've found an infection in my blook they are trying to knock out now. They may need to remove the PICC line inserted in my arm as they think that's the culprit, and then put a new one in on Sat. for my final chemo.
My room on the third floor has a tiny little sliver of a window to look out. I see the plumes of smoke from the Kaiser generators -- glistening in the sun, forming magnificient shapes, quite beautiful.
My 80++ year old aunt made it safely from LA yesterday and will spend part of today going through old family photos.
Am feeling extremely nauseous today! Thank you for your prayers.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Dear Friends and Family,
Sorry for the lack of communication yesterday, I should have remembered how the effects of chemo are usually felt on the second day after treatment. Yesterday, Monday, was a day of constant nauseau and extreme fatigue, brightened by a fun new male Vietnamese nurse named Vu who would banter with me, a visit with Peter's Sister who brought a beautiful scarf to cover my now 99% bald head. The fun part of this is that I have no limits around how I can create myself. My natural bohemian-bent is coming to the fore at the moment. But who knows? I may buy myself a platinum blonde wig. The skies the limit!
Than Peter made his nightly visit to tuck me in.
Yesterday brought me into some deeper places of volunerability. It took all my effort to turn the tide from discouragement and an existential type of loneliness. I know in the healing progress that these types of moments will come up, sooner or later, and that they too need to be welcomed, not resisted. It helped to let them be for awhile so I could discover and feel their presence and just what they were communicating. More than anything I want to learn from this experience. I found myself accepting my human side, let some tears flow and spent much of the day turning these feelings over to the Divine. This eventually brought a feeling of release.
This is my 3rd week in this little hospital room (was moved twice because of my heart), but all the rooms are pretty similar. The "Doer" side of me which has been ferociously strong all my life, now must turn all its passion, imagination, prana, will into simply Healing and being. As more time goes by, I'm finding little threads of myself that had gotten lost in the shuffle of life.
I will hear about my blood counts soon. Feel like I'm on the home stretch now. Just have to get through this week and by Sat. the chemo is done and I'll be going into other forms of treatment (which will include other forms of chemo, some oral).
I love you all.
Heidi
Sorry for the lack of communication yesterday, I should have remembered how the effects of chemo are usually felt on the second day after treatment. Yesterday, Monday, was a day of constant nauseau and extreme fatigue, brightened by a fun new male Vietnamese nurse named Vu who would banter with me, a visit with Peter's Sister who brought a beautiful scarf to cover my now 99% bald head. The fun part of this is that I have no limits around how I can create myself. My natural bohemian-bent is coming to the fore at the moment. But who knows? I may buy myself a platinum blonde wig. The skies the limit!
Than Peter made his nightly visit to tuck me in.
Yesterday brought me into some deeper places of volunerability. It took all my effort to turn the tide from discouragement and an existential type of loneliness. I know in the healing progress that these types of moments will come up, sooner or later, and that they too need to be welcomed, not resisted. It helped to let them be for awhile so I could discover and feel their presence and just what they were communicating. More than anything I want to learn from this experience. I found myself accepting my human side, let some tears flow and spent much of the day turning these feelings over to the Divine. This eventually brought a feeling of release.
This is my 3rd week in this little hospital room (was moved twice because of my heart), but all the rooms are pretty similar. The "Doer" side of me which has been ferociously strong all my life, now must turn all its passion, imagination, prana, will into simply Healing and being. As more time goes by, I'm finding little threads of myself that had gotten lost in the shuffle of life.
I will hear about my blood counts soon. Feel like I'm on the home stretch now. Just have to get through this week and by Sat. the chemo is done and I'll be going into other forms of treatment (which will include other forms of chemo, some oral).
I love you all.
Heidi
Sunday, December 5, 2010
"For everything that has been,Thanks.
For everything that will be, Yes."
The first time I heard this quote, I instantly fell in love with it. It came to mind this morning when thinking about my leukemia. Yes to Leukemia? Well, maybe yes to the experience, to the mystery, to our mortality, to the lessons, pains and pleasures along this very unexpected journey in my life.
The chemo yesterday went surprisingly well. I visualized Vincristine (a particularly toxic form of chemo) coming into my veins as the most beautifully colored glitter (the fine type) that you could ever imagine. It glittered its way through my blood, full of light, very task-minded. It knew just what it had to do. And I instructed my cells to comply. I was amazed later how peaceful my body felt. There was no resistence, no side effects to speak of. I fell asleep with such an overwhelming feeling of contentment in my body. Soothing, as if held in the arms of a beloved mother.
Slept very well and was awakened by the nurse coming into my room saying that my blood counts had shot WAY up in the night (a good thing). Color has returned to my face. I have some sense of having turned a corner last night...though my journey will bring me through many more valleys and mountains yet.
Today met with two dear friends. Next week my 80 + aunt will be traveling from LA by train and stay two days in San Diego to be with me. The following weekend a friend is flying from Oregon. So much love has me humbled and brought me into the rememrance of how Love begets Love. It is a never ending circle. To feel it and really take it in during this time has been a huge part of my healing.
See you tomorrow, sweet ones... Heidi
For everything that will be, Yes."
The first time I heard this quote, I instantly fell in love with it. It came to mind this morning when thinking about my leukemia. Yes to Leukemia? Well, maybe yes to the experience, to the mystery, to our mortality, to the lessons, pains and pleasures along this very unexpected journey in my life.
The chemo yesterday went surprisingly well. I visualized Vincristine (a particularly toxic form of chemo) coming into my veins as the most beautifully colored glitter (the fine type) that you could ever imagine. It glittered its way through my blood, full of light, very task-minded. It knew just what it had to do. And I instructed my cells to comply. I was amazed later how peaceful my body felt. There was no resistence, no side effects to speak of. I fell asleep with such an overwhelming feeling of contentment in my body. Soothing, as if held in the arms of a beloved mother.
Slept very well and was awakened by the nurse coming into my room saying that my blood counts had shot WAY up in the night (a good thing). Color has returned to my face. I have some sense of having turned a corner last night...though my journey will bring me through many more valleys and mountains yet.
Today met with two dear friends. Next week my 80 + aunt will be traveling from LA by train and stay two days in San Diego to be with me. The following weekend a friend is flying from Oregon. So much love has me humbled and brought me into the rememrance of how Love begets Love. It is a never ending circle. To feel it and really take it in during this time has been a huge part of my healing.
See you tomorrow, sweet ones... Heidi
Quick Update - Heidi's Having a Good Day!
(this is her little bro :))
She is feeling a bit groggy and can't type into the computer, but wants everyone to know she is REALLY feeling that she is turning the corner, and that her recent blood work was VERY positive, and the AFIB medication seems to be working quite well!!
She will try to post later today when she is less groggy from the medications.
Love to everyone and the universe of support!
Here's a recent picture - thanks Peter!
She is feeling a bit groggy and can't type into the computer, but wants everyone to know she is REALLY feeling that she is turning the corner, and that her recent blood work was VERY positive, and the AFIB medication seems to be working quite well!!
She will try to post later today when she is less groggy from the medications.
Love to everyone and the universe of support!
Here's a recent picture - thanks Peter!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Good morning my dear family and friends, I woke up early today, around 5, and tuned into the silence of the early morning (minus all the little beeps and whirls the machines round me make -- and the clammer of the nurses station outside my door. All of this is quite a lot of noise when you think about it. How nice to find a kernel deep, contemplative silence right in the heart bustling hospital.
This morning has definitely brought my contemplative side to the fore. As I lay in bed at 5 a.m. I gently asked to be given insight about this illness, all aspects of it, most importantly why it has come to visit me in this lifetime. What are its gifts? It's lessons? I want to look at my part with brutal honesty. This process was about allowing and opening, and not thinking. I felt a sensation in my body -- a pulling down, a heaviness. It felt like the weight of stress I've been carrying for so many years -- part of which has been because of my predisposition, personality, and on and on. The clarity of the sensation (which was body/mind) was pure, revelatory, and very instructive.
I went to deeper levels and saw more. Actually, a puzzle appeared behind my closed eyes with a number of pieces already filled in. I took this to mean that there are things I already know. One of the biggest pieces -- it looked like the state of Montana -- had the word FAITH on it. Thas has always been a big one for me. I will continue this inner journey now each day
The outer journey kicks up a notch today with two chemo treatments. I actually got brave and read about the one called Vincristine...a rather sweet name for such a deadly (controlled) killer! One drop on your skin causes severe skin problems. But I will welcome it into my body with open arms (cells) and allow full reign over my blood, knowing that God is in the medicine, even this medicine. Where is God not?
Going into my third week next week will be like finally seeing the finish line. Two more chemos next week and then the rebirthing of my marrow will take place and I will be feeling a whole lot better!
Love to each of you.
This morning has definitely brought my contemplative side to the fore. As I lay in bed at 5 a.m. I gently asked to be given insight about this illness, all aspects of it, most importantly why it has come to visit me in this lifetime. What are its gifts? It's lessons? I want to look at my part with brutal honesty. This process was about allowing and opening, and not thinking. I felt a sensation in my body -- a pulling down, a heaviness. It felt like the weight of stress I've been carrying for so many years -- part of which has been because of my predisposition, personality, and on and on. The clarity of the sensation (which was body/mind) was pure, revelatory, and very instructive.
I went to deeper levels and saw more. Actually, a puzzle appeared behind my closed eyes with a number of pieces already filled in. I took this to mean that there are things I already know. One of the biggest pieces -- it looked like the state of Montana -- had the word FAITH on it. Thas has always been a big one for me. I will continue this inner journey now each day
The outer journey kicks up a notch today with two chemo treatments. I actually got brave and read about the one called Vincristine...a rather sweet name for such a deadly (controlled) killer! One drop on your skin causes severe skin problems. But I will welcome it into my body with open arms (cells) and allow full reign over my blood, knowing that God is in the medicine, even this medicine. Where is God not?
Going into my third week next week will be like finally seeing the finish line. Two more chemos next week and then the rebirthing of my marrow will take place and I will be feeling a whole lot better!
Love to each of you.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Woke up this morning with this deep knowing inside that I'm going to be all right. It's not an intellectual knowing or because of some doctor's comments. It's just a feeling. My body felt a little perculating of happiness today. It's similar to the way we feel when we're cozy in bed. The air is cool, the blankets warm and we have a sense of contentment within. Yes, there's still pain and I have some gruelling days ahead of me. Two chemo treatments tomorrow (a powerful combination that took days to feel better last time) ....but I am on the home stretch now. Two more weeks to go. Next week will be the final week of chemo. The fourth week they will fill me with lots of life giving blood that will create new bone marrow tissue (They have it down to a science). If the treatment of the past 4 weeks has been successful, I will have achieved remission!
Through the efforts of my boyfriend, Peter, we now have all the appropriate doctors consulting as a team on my case and immediately things began to improve. I got on new heart meditation (which I avoided vehemently before because of the side effects -- but whaddya gonna do?) I was pretty much in a constant Afit over the last week days, which just exsaperbates everything.
I've been amazed, humbled, grateful, suprised and felt deeply, deeply loved by all the visitors who have come or called. Some I haven't spoken to in many, many years and it has been healing to hear their voice and reconnect.
I long to just step outside the hospital and take in a big gulp of fresh San Diego Air! That day will come and something tells me that this experience will have changed my life for the better in many ways.
Much love to you all..... Heidi
Through the efforts of my boyfriend, Peter, we now have all the appropriate doctors consulting as a team on my case and immediately things began to improve. I got on new heart meditation (which I avoided vehemently before because of the side effects -- but whaddya gonna do?) I was pretty much in a constant Afit over the last week days, which just exsaperbates everything.
I've been amazed, humbled, grateful, suprised and felt deeply, deeply loved by all the visitors who have come or called. Some I haven't spoken to in many, many years and it has been healing to hear their voice and reconnect.
I long to just step outside the hospital and take in a big gulp of fresh San Diego Air! That day will come and something tells me that this experience will have changed my life for the better in many ways.
Much love to you all..... Heidi
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Two Pretty Gruelling days
This is the first strength I've had to write in a day or two. My other conditions "reared their ugly heads" in a bigger way than I expected. After Monday night in the telemtry Department for a fairly brief AFib episode-- 6 hours --I came back my familiar floor-- but not for long! Went into another Maha (huge) Afib that lasted 17 hours. They took me to the third floor where there is 24 hour care for "complex" cases. The nurses here are wonderful. As a result of the AFib happening so intensely, I dediced to go on an Antirhymic meditation. They help "some" people, but the toxic side efforts often outweigh the benefits which is why I've kept away from them for so long. But these AFibs really affect the chemo treatment and I had to put that first.
There are two more culprits that have sprung up that the nurses are working on diligently: I can't eat solid food due to my hiatal herna. Food is most needed in order to build my body back up. I'm ending up drinking about two protein drinks a day and try to get down some soft eggs or couscous. Through Peter's intercession, he got the doctors much more coordinated on my case. I'm not consulting regurlarly with a gastreoentertrologt (forgive the spellin) and a cardiologist and hospital social work too.
The last complication is my blood pressure. It's ranging between 85/65 to 92/67 This is causing EXTREME, CAN'T-KEEP-YOUR-EYES-OPEN FATIGUE. I will be gettng a tranfusion of platetes today.
Oh, and one more thing! I noticed that my hair seemed "matted" after a night's sleep. That has never happened. Once I took a brush to it, well, what can I say. The day of the GREAT SHEDDING has begun. I'm already wearning one of my beanie camps.
What to feel about all of this? I bask in the love of my friends and family. Right now philosophy doesn't reach me. Just loving and being as loving in return to all the staff. I am being stripped down, piece by piece so that a new life can begin
There are two more culprits that have sprung up that the nurses are working on diligently: I can't eat solid food due to my hiatal herna. Food is most needed in order to build my body back up. I'm ending up drinking about two protein drinks a day and try to get down some soft eggs or couscous. Through Peter's intercession, he got the doctors much more coordinated on my case. I'm not consulting regurlarly with a gastreoentertrologt (forgive the spellin) and a cardiologist and hospital social work too.
The last complication is my blood pressure. It's ranging between 85/65 to 92/67 This is causing EXTREME, CAN'T-KEEP-YOUR-EYES-OPEN FATIGUE. I will be gettng a tranfusion of platetes today.
Oh, and one more thing! I noticed that my hair seemed "matted" after a night's sleep. That has never happened. Once I took a brush to it, well, what can I say. The day of the GREAT SHEDDING has begun. I'm already wearning one of my beanie camps.
What to feel about all of this? I bask in the love of my friends and family. Right now philosophy doesn't reach me. Just loving and being as loving in return to all the staff. I am being stripped down, piece by piece so that a new life can begin
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Hi sweet ones, Today is day #11, and another chemo day. Also, my two brothers leave today to go back to their own families. It is bitter sweet for me for we have been scattered across the country for so long and unable to spend quality time together like this is in so many years. They are eager, conscientious, funny, caring and completely there for me. We will go back to keeping in touch by phone and skype.
These last few days have been different. The pain is more intense (One of the oncologist told me "Heidi, the greater the pain, the more the chemo is working, which is a very good thing.") We had a bit of a scare last night when my temperature was over 100. Right now I have absolutely zilche ability to fight off infection and it can grow very rapidly in my body with nothing to keep it in check except the antibiotics, etc.. It's extremely serious. I have yet to meet with the doctor this morning, but after a good sleep, the nurse came in this morning and I was 98.6. Still feel achy like the flu, but (fingers crossed) I was able to somehow miraculously throw off a brewing infection in the night -- due to lots of light being sent my way. I'll know more about this when the doctor comes to visit soon.
These last few days things have definitely shifted for me. The longer I'm here and not feeling well, the harder I have to work at keeping positive. We have no idea if the treatment is working (at this stage it's too early to tell), and won't until the 4th week and the next (drum roll.......) bone marrow biopsy. That SHOULD show I'm in remission and a very deep cause for celebration!
I spoke with a good healer/friend yesterday and he told me his take on Leukemia: "It is a disease of sadness, as is AIDS." Regardless of how I feel about that at the moment, I do know enough about the body/mind to know that any disease in the pervasive, life-giving blood must have some deep significance. Lots to reflect on.
Today I'm excited about doing some sketching, listening to some wonderful inspirational material my sweet boyfriend, Peter brought, and keeping the sacred domain of my consciousness lit up like a newborn sun in the early morning. One of the most beautiful images for me has been how the early morning sun reflects on tiny dew drops...if you get really close you can see an opalescent universe, resplendent with mystery and profound beauty....
Love to you, Heidi
These last few days have been different. The pain is more intense (One of the oncologist told me "Heidi, the greater the pain, the more the chemo is working, which is a very good thing.") We had a bit of a scare last night when my temperature was over 100. Right now I have absolutely zilche ability to fight off infection and it can grow very rapidly in my body with nothing to keep it in check except the antibiotics, etc.. It's extremely serious. I have yet to meet with the doctor this morning, but after a good sleep, the nurse came in this morning and I was 98.6. Still feel achy like the flu, but (fingers crossed) I was able to somehow miraculously throw off a brewing infection in the night -- due to lots of light being sent my way. I'll know more about this when the doctor comes to visit soon.
These last few days things have definitely shifted for me. The longer I'm here and not feeling well, the harder I have to work at keeping positive. We have no idea if the treatment is working (at this stage it's too early to tell), and won't until the 4th week and the next (drum roll.......) bone marrow biopsy. That SHOULD show I'm in remission and a very deep cause for celebration!
I spoke with a good healer/friend yesterday and he told me his take on Leukemia: "It is a disease of sadness, as is AIDS." Regardless of how I feel about that at the moment, I do know enough about the body/mind to know that any disease in the pervasive, life-giving blood must have some deep significance. Lots to reflect on.
Today I'm excited about doing some sketching, listening to some wonderful inspirational material my sweet boyfriend, Peter brought, and keeping the sacred domain of my consciousness lit up like a newborn sun in the early morning. One of the most beautiful images for me has been how the early morning sun reflects on tiny dew drops...if you get really close you can see an opalescent universe, resplendent with mystery and profound beauty....
Love to you, Heidi
Monday, November 29, 2010
Hi sweet friends and well-wishers,
Had a little set back last night. Some of you know that I have another condition called Atrial Fibrillation. I knew it might come up while in this month long hospital stay and it did, last night. They needed to move me to another floor where they could monitor my heart more closely. It took 6 hours from the time it started to the time the doctor finally came to check me out. They were short handed last night with the holiday weekend. By the time this angelic doctor came by, put her hands on my neck very tenderly while giving me reassurance, I felt myself relax. They moved me up to the telemtry floor where the nurses were much more attentive. Have had my two brothers here all day (first time we've been all been together in 10 years!). So heartwarming. I will be sad when they live.
In a hospital one really needs to be one's own advocate. They were so focused on the leukemia yesterday, they let my electrolytes drop, which affect the heart and can activate Atrial Fibrillation. These two problem complicate each other in a way. I feel my conversations with the doctors today were very productive and we are back on track.
Tomorrow is another, lighter chemo day. More and more I feel like I'm in a little healing cocoon. Sleep as much as possible, try to manage the increasing pain, and am amazed at all the support at the hospital and with family and friends. Met with the social worker today about maybe getting a discount for my hospital stay. Would be wonderful!
Will be taking a walk soon with my two bros and Peter..... Beautiful sunset, now almost gone. Tomorrow I will reflect more deeply on what I feel is the inner cause of leukemia, genenerally, based on a deep conversation with a friend today. I love you all!
Heidi
Had a little set back last night. Some of you know that I have another condition called Atrial Fibrillation. I knew it might come up while in this month long hospital stay and it did, last night. They needed to move me to another floor where they could monitor my heart more closely. It took 6 hours from the time it started to the time the doctor finally came to check me out. They were short handed last night with the holiday weekend. By the time this angelic doctor came by, put her hands on my neck very tenderly while giving me reassurance, I felt myself relax. They moved me up to the telemtry floor where the nurses were much more attentive. Have had my two brothers here all day (first time we've been all been together in 10 years!). So heartwarming. I will be sad when they live.
In a hospital one really needs to be one's own advocate. They were so focused on the leukemia yesterday, they let my electrolytes drop, which affect the heart and can activate Atrial Fibrillation. These two problem complicate each other in a way. I feel my conversations with the doctors today were very productive and we are back on track.
Tomorrow is another, lighter chemo day. More and more I feel like I'm in a little healing cocoon. Sleep as much as possible, try to manage the increasing pain, and am amazed at all the support at the hospital and with family and friends. Met with the social worker today about maybe getting a discount for my hospital stay. Would be wonderful!
Will be taking a walk soon with my two bros and Peter..... Beautiful sunset, now almost gone. Tomorrow I will reflect more deeply on what I feel is the inner cause of leukemia, genenerally, based on a deep conversation with a friend today. I love you all!
Heidi
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Hello Everyone,
A night like last night was bound to happen. Two types of chemo, as much as I visualize them as the elixir of the gods, is still chemo! The pain and nausea got away from me and it took most of the night to turn it around. By 4 a.m. I went into a deep, painless sleep (God bless pain killers!) and opened my eyes to the first glint of golden clouds around 7 a.m. The nurses tell me I am fortunate to have this view. Other rooms here look out at the hospital building. Very desultory!
My platelet count was under 10,000 so they needed to begin with a transfusion right away. Bleeding can start around that number. I was at 9K this a.m. Very good exercise of faith to be laying in the bed, with a bad headache, waiting for the platelets to arrive and wondering if bleeding is occuring. It is absolutely amazing to feel so at the mercy of life and to entrust myself into Its loving arms. What else can I do? Perhaps one day I will be able to look back on this experience and count myself as extremely fortunate to have had my inner mettle tested (and hopefully strengthened) through an ordeal like this. The treatment for Leukemia is particularly arduous, according to the oncologist. Their aim is to completely wipe out all bone marrow...and then, in the 4th week, rebuild it. If all goes well, I would be in remission at that point. Then follows a two year chemo program, chemo injections into my spine, etc. etc. Believe it or not, I'm looking forward to being out of the hospital and into that phase!
I am blessed to have such positive energy around me and to know people with true healing gifts. This experience, however, is ultimately a solo one. While I can hold the hands of my loved ones and open to their healing, it is the inner healer, the inner hero in me, that is my greatest ally.
Well, enough about illness!!!!! The golden clouds have given way to a deep blue sky. I long to breathe in the prana....
A night like last night was bound to happen. Two types of chemo, as much as I visualize them as the elixir of the gods, is still chemo! The pain and nausea got away from me and it took most of the night to turn it around. By 4 a.m. I went into a deep, painless sleep (God bless pain killers!) and opened my eyes to the first glint of golden clouds around 7 a.m. The nurses tell me I am fortunate to have this view. Other rooms here look out at the hospital building. Very desultory!
My platelet count was under 10,000 so they needed to begin with a transfusion right away. Bleeding can start around that number. I was at 9K this a.m. Very good exercise of faith to be laying in the bed, with a bad headache, waiting for the platelets to arrive and wondering if bleeding is occuring. It is absolutely amazing to feel so at the mercy of life and to entrust myself into Its loving arms. What else can I do? Perhaps one day I will be able to look back on this experience and count myself as extremely fortunate to have had my inner mettle tested (and hopefully strengthened) through an ordeal like this. The treatment for Leukemia is particularly arduous, according to the oncologist. Their aim is to completely wipe out all bone marrow...and then, in the 4th week, rebuild it. If all goes well, I would be in remission at that point. Then follows a two year chemo program, chemo injections into my spine, etc. etc. Believe it or not, I'm looking forward to being out of the hospital and into that phase!
I am blessed to have such positive energy around me and to know people with true healing gifts. This experience, however, is ultimately a solo one. While I can hold the hands of my loved ones and open to their healing, it is the inner healer, the inner hero in me, that is my greatest ally.
Well, enough about illness!!!!! The golden clouds have given way to a deep blue sky. I long to breathe in the prana....
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Saturday Morning, November 27 -- Chemo Day
Today is day 8 in the hospital and a day of double dose chemo, so I'm prepared to bring my mightiest spirit to the day. Laying in my bed this early morning before dawn my mind drifted back to certain themes throughout my life. I saw how much I liked being in the driver's seat, generally -- in charge, in "control", having a sense of my bearings, goals and progressions. I'm sure we all have these tendencies to some degree. They are not necessarily bad. But then there comes an experience that literally strips you down to the roots. In this fertile, vulnerable soil there is only surrender, faith and the ability to chose your attitude. I dare say one doesn't get to really, really know oneself until you are here. What shows up here, when no one is around, when it is 2 a.m. and you can't sleep...well, this is a very raw, honest place.
I've known many people throughout my life who have had catastrophic illness. I would feel compassion, deeply care and at the same time felt relief that I didn't need to wear those moccasins. There's something about this type of illness that strikes a deep chord within and we numb out rather than think about our mortality. This healing journey has me facing all of it. I cling to the powerful thread of regeneration. The body WANTS to heal, given the slightest chance. Our immune system follows our thoughts. There is a blueprint of perfection here. The body is miraculous in its power to heal. The light that shines in each intelligent cell is supreme and utterly above illness.
Yesterday I needed 4 small transfusions of something called cryoprecipitate to help my blood clot my platelet count was dangerously low. Had to have a CAT scan to make sure I wasn't hemorrhaging. The nurse just came in to say that my clotting factor has increased in the night in a very good way!
By the way, the food here is incredible! Their sweet potatoe fries are the most yummy I've ever had! Very good dietician, wonderful nurses, kindness abounds. I am blessed.
I've known many people throughout my life who have had catastrophic illness. I would feel compassion, deeply care and at the same time felt relief that I didn't need to wear those moccasins. There's something about this type of illness that strikes a deep chord within and we numb out rather than think about our mortality. This healing journey has me facing all of it. I cling to the powerful thread of regeneration. The body WANTS to heal, given the slightest chance. Our immune system follows our thoughts. There is a blueprint of perfection here. The body is miraculous in its power to heal. The light that shines in each intelligent cell is supreme and utterly above illness.
Yesterday I needed 4 small transfusions of something called cryoprecipitate to help my blood clot my platelet count was dangerously low. Had to have a CAT scan to make sure I wasn't hemorrhaging. The nurse just came in to say that my clotting factor has increased in the night in a very good way!
By the way, the food here is incredible! Their sweet potatoe fries are the most yummy I've ever had! Very good dietician, wonderful nurses, kindness abounds. I am blessed.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday, November 26 -- One week in the hospital!
Dear Family and Friends, This is my first post! Couldn't sleep and was eager to begin connecting with all of you. For those of you who don't know, I got some great news the day before yesterday:
1) I do not have the Philadelphia Chromosome, which many people with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia have and which makes the disease more difficult to cure over the long term. I consider it one of many more miracles to come on the road to recovery.
2) My oncologist told me that I responded extremely well to the first chemo treatments earlier in the week which brought my White Blood Count down to zero with RECORD speed -- a day! Often it takes 4 or 5.
I attribute all this to my welcoming attitude. From the beginning I have been welcoming everything about this cancer journey. When the chemo comes, I open to it, see the Divine in it, and instruct my cells (healthy and unhealthy alike) to drink it in fully. I lay in my bed visualizing the beautiful verdent green regenerative life force always at the ready to begin the rebuilding process when it is time. I do have my moments of difficulty....but by and large I try quickly to turn them around when I catch myself worrying or fearful. I am surrounded by my most beautiful, valiant and loving family and friends. They are pulling me through!
First week is now behind me. This next week, I believe, will include saying goodbye to my hair. I cut it off to shoulder length yesterday and was surprised how unattached I was. I'll probably trim it more in a day or two.
Whenever the "Why" question enters my consciousness (Why me?, Why now?) well, I just throw it out. Does me no good. Someday I hope to understand the deeper lessons of this journey. For now, am focused only on healing, love and everything positive -- to the best of my ability! Marshalling all my resources toward that goal!
Love to all of you!
1) I do not have the Philadelphia Chromosome, which many people with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia have and which makes the disease more difficult to cure over the long term. I consider it one of many more miracles to come on the road to recovery.
2) My oncologist told me that I responded extremely well to the first chemo treatments earlier in the week which brought my White Blood Count down to zero with RECORD speed -- a day! Often it takes 4 or 5.
I attribute all this to my welcoming attitude. From the beginning I have been welcoming everything about this cancer journey. When the chemo comes, I open to it, see the Divine in it, and instruct my cells (healthy and unhealthy alike) to drink it in fully. I lay in my bed visualizing the beautiful verdent green regenerative life force always at the ready to begin the rebuilding process when it is time. I do have my moments of difficulty....but by and large I try quickly to turn them around when I catch myself worrying or fearful. I am surrounded by my most beautiful, valiant and loving family and friends. They are pulling me through!
First week is now behind me. This next week, I believe, will include saying goodbye to my hair. I cut it off to shoulder length yesterday and was surprised how unattached I was. I'll probably trim it more in a day or two.
Whenever the "Why" question enters my consciousness (Why me?, Why now?) well, I just throw it out. Does me no good. Someday I hope to understand the deeper lessons of this journey. For now, am focused only on healing, love and everything positive -- to the best of my ability! Marshalling all my resources toward that goal!
Love to all of you!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
This is my first post!!!!
My lil bro created this first post for me. It is not the most interesting one!
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