Sunday -- Day After Christmas

My dear friends and family,

I woke up this morning feeling such overwhelming gratitude for all my friends.   Whatever else this journey has in store for me, one thing is for sure:  it is deepening my connection, love and care for each one of you.  And when it is all said and done, what is more important in life than the love we share?  There's a beautiful song I first heard in the ashram called "Nature Boy" by Nat King Cole.  This one phrase has always remained with me, and is particularly meaningful to me this morning:  "the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."

So simple...perhaps not always easy...  Learning to love (accept, welcome) even the difficult experiences and people who have different styles and natures.  Above all, learning more about self love.  The first few weeks of this illness I found myself wondering what I did "wrong" that has drawn this experience into my life.  Through the loving reminders of friends and family I am gradually turning my perspective around to feelings of gratitude for being so strong and courageous.   There are many blessings incubating deep inside through this healing journey.

I dare say I had the most amazing Christmas in my life yesterday.  16 or more (lost count) showed up in my hospital room.  My dear cousin, Jory, came down from LA, from his home in Seattle, with guitar in hand and we all sang Beatles' songs and Christmas songs.  The whole second floor of the hospital was rocking out!  Ana made me the most DELICIOUS Christmas dinner and after everyone left, dear Steve came by and we watched the movie Wall Street together. An OK movie...nothing terribly special, but oh so nice watching it with a good friend.  Peter came to my room towards the end just to wish me a good night.  It was such a satisfying day....a true gift.

All of this on top of hearing that my blood counts had improved dramatically!!!!!   I had woken up at 2 a.m. Christmas day, wide awake and feeling the urge to meditate, visualize and affirm.  For 4 hours I lay in bed listening to some truly powerful CD's around healing.  At 6 a.m. they took my blood and in a couple of hours the doctor came in to say that my White Blood Count had gone from 1.7 to a whopping 3.2 (almost in the normal range) in one day!  It rarely happens that the WBC takes this type of leap and it is a very good sign that my life force is working its magic!  All my other counts were similar -- what we wanted to see go up, went up and what we wanted to see go down (lymphocytes, which show the presence of cancer in the blood) went down by 15%! 

What a tangible experience of how our thoughts and intentions affect our health!  As a result, I decided to set aside a special time each day for this wonderful elixir of mind/body self-generated healing.   Along with this is the commitment to be gentle with myself if my counts fluctuate in spite of my efforts.  I am finding that managing my expectations is particularly tricky for me.  I so want my healing to be a linear, straight upward path.  But there will be twists and turns that I must also welcome.  Like this morning when my blood pressure is up to around 180,  and has been going higher and higher since yesterday.  They are trying to figure out why.

I will be going into my 6th or 7th week of being in the hospital this coming week.  (I've deliberately lost count.)  The sameness of my surroundings is made bright, warm and loving by all the visits/phone calls and emails I receive from you.   I'm going to start drawing today, and reading...and perhaps begin to formulate ideas around writing a book about my healing journey.  WHEN Leukemia is just a distant memory and am back to my strong self, I want to be an ally in some form for others who are going through this illness. 

As soon as I get photos from Christmas Day I will post them on this blog.  So stay tuned and be sure to check them out in the next few days!

Much, much love and good wishes for a bright New Year when at least a few (if not all) of your cherished dreams come true!

Heidi