Hi Everyone...
Had quite a difficult week at home this week and ended up going to the ER in the afternoon yesterday (Friday). Turns out I have an infection and, due to my intense nausea, was dehydrated (unable to drink or eat). There were other problems too. Glad to report that after being evaluated and given antiobiotics, saline IV and new anti-nausea medication, I left the hospital feeling sooooo much better. Amazing what a little relief from pain and discomfort will do!
Staying over at Peter's this weekend. We decided to go on a "Pleasure Hunt" today -- doing whatever feels good, nurturing and beautiful. We may take a drive to the Tijuana Estuary which may be in full bloom -- it's a mind-blowing sight if any of you haven't seen it. Just gorgeous. My appetite is (FINALLY) better and I'm looking forward to seeking out some delectible treats today.
May be going back into hospital Monday for my 5th round of chemo. Now I am really on the home stretch. That said, each chemo seems to take more out of me and it's harder to feel my strength and lifeforce come back, only to get it knocked down again. This week I couldn't walk for more than 5-10 steps without collapsing. All I could do was sleep. Will see the doctor Monday a.m. and if he deems I am "chemo ready" (strong enough), I will get admitted that day for another 3 weeks of treatment. After that is done, we face a decision about doing the last chemo treatment which was so very hard on me. I know I won't be able to do it at the same dose or the same length. But then THE HOSPITAL PART OF THE TREATMENT IS OVER!!!!!!!
That should be some time in May/June and I'm planning a big outdoor picnic/potluck to celebrate having made it through the most difficult 1/2 year of my life. Maybe we'll get a firepit on the beach in North County. Stay tuned because ALL of you are invited.
Peter reminded me this morning of the simplest, yet most profound, way to continue this healing journey I'm on: "Give yourself over to Source." May the essence of these words give us strength and comfort, whatever journey we are on...
All my Love,
Heidi
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Hi Everyone,
I made it through the last chemo round fairly well and am now home for a couple of weeks. This time I went back to the hospital fortified with better food (from friends), lots of positive CD's and books and an attitude of yielding (opening) to the experience, rather than bracing up against it. I'm on the home stretch now with just two more rounds to go. It is absolutely the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.... times 10....but I'm sure the difficulty does some transformational work on the inner plane -- some I can see and feel and some I can't at this moment.
After about 2 weeks in the hospital, the mind feels like checking out and going into whatever will pass the time most quickly. I found myself not listening to the CD's quite as much, not reading as much. It REALLY helps to keep the positive input flowing. Peter is a tremendous supporter of that and reminds me regularly not to slump into the oblivion of chemo-induced blahs...
Yesterday they decided to give me my last dose of chemo in their outpatient department and send me home after that. This is the first time I'll be dealing with the side effects without the 24 hour support of the hospital staff. It's just for this one time. I think they realized that these long stays in the hospital can be pretty dreary, so they are trying an experiment and hope it goes well! (So do I!)
The outpatient clinic at Kaiser was full of love and joy. It suprised Peter and me. They were celebrating a patient who had completed his chemo -- all the doctors and nurses came out, they had refreshments and a little ritual of ringing a gong. The caring among the staff and patients was palpable. It was heartening to witness.
On the food front, I'm still LOVING my pickle and avocado sandwiches. It's strange, but deserts by and large don't tempt me at all. I can eat 3 sandwiches a day and I'm still losing weight. Haven't weighed this little since I was in my early 30's.
I pray for the strength and patience to get through the next two months of inpatient chemo and on to better and better days!
My love to everyone,
Heidi
I made it through the last chemo round fairly well and am now home for a couple of weeks. This time I went back to the hospital fortified with better food (from friends), lots of positive CD's and books and an attitude of yielding (opening) to the experience, rather than bracing up against it. I'm on the home stretch now with just two more rounds to go. It is absolutely the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.... times 10....but I'm sure the difficulty does some transformational work on the inner plane -- some I can see and feel and some I can't at this moment.
After about 2 weeks in the hospital, the mind feels like checking out and going into whatever will pass the time most quickly. I found myself not listening to the CD's quite as much, not reading as much. It REALLY helps to keep the positive input flowing. Peter is a tremendous supporter of that and reminds me regularly not to slump into the oblivion of chemo-induced blahs...
Yesterday they decided to give me my last dose of chemo in their outpatient department and send me home after that. This is the first time I'll be dealing with the side effects without the 24 hour support of the hospital staff. It's just for this one time. I think they realized that these long stays in the hospital can be pretty dreary, so they are trying an experiment and hope it goes well! (So do I!)
The outpatient clinic at Kaiser was full of love and joy. It suprised Peter and me. They were celebrating a patient who had completed his chemo -- all the doctors and nurses came out, they had refreshments and a little ritual of ringing a gong. The caring among the staff and patients was palpable. It was heartening to witness.
On the food front, I'm still LOVING my pickle and avocado sandwiches. It's strange, but deserts by and large don't tempt me at all. I can eat 3 sandwiches a day and I'm still losing weight. Haven't weighed this little since I was in my early 30's.
I pray for the strength and patience to get through the next two months of inpatient chemo and on to better and better days!
My love to everyone,
Heidi
Monday, March 14, 2011
Hello dear ones,
This update has been a long time coming. The last time I was in the hospital -- in January and February -- I went through what can only be described as the dark night. It hit me on all levels....way down deep to my soul core. Physically I barely made it through -- I was delirious for several days, didn't know what was up or down, night or day. The chemo got into my brain (intentionally) which was like a dark, sticky oil seeping into all my neuron pathways and wrecking havoc. It got to the point where I couldn't recognize myself and it sent shivers through my consciousness.
After that ordeal, I decided that I couldn't continue the rest of the treatment. It just seemed like the path of death. I wrote to my oncologist and told him my decision. (It's not like me to quite something like this.) That week was an agony as I searched every corner of my soul and prayed my heart out for direction.
Early on the doctors told me that there is "no way" anyone can survive leukemia with just one round of the treatment. I had finished one round. Even though I was in an altered state that week, I still opened myself to the beauty around me and began to feel myself choosing life and life choosing me. That part was wonderful.
The second week I had a meeting with the oncologist and I knew he was going to try to convince to complete the treatment. But the night before I had a remarkable and sacred experience that clearly indicated that I needed to come back into the hospital. It came in the form of a dream..... When I woke up the next morning I felt such deep peace. All the angst left me -- not that the decision to come back to the incredibly brutal chemo treatment hasn't filled me with angst! But I knew it was the right thing to do to give myself the best chance of a complete CURE!
So I'm back in the hospital, going into my 3 week of this round. I have one more week (next) and then will be able to go home for a week or two for a break before doing the next round of 3 weeks. After that I will talk to my oncologist about my options for the 3rd and last round. I am not inclined to do that around....at least, not in the same way. Perhaps he'd be open to modifying it. This much I'm sure about. I will not undergo that chemo in the way it was given to me before.
I'll be out of the hospital soon and discharged for good in May. It's been a long, long journey since Mid-November. It will take me quite some time to integrate it all, even if that's possible. I know my life has changed dramatically: releasing old grievances, forgiving betrayals, digging into the deep recesses of grief and letting it all go....these must become a way life -- the way of the peaceful warrior. My diet will change and I will find so many supportive, healthy, loving, creative way of being with life again, more fully than ever.
Much love to each of you,
Heidi
This update has been a long time coming. The last time I was in the hospital -- in January and February -- I went through what can only be described as the dark night. It hit me on all levels....way down deep to my soul core. Physically I barely made it through -- I was delirious for several days, didn't know what was up or down, night or day. The chemo got into my brain (intentionally) which was like a dark, sticky oil seeping into all my neuron pathways and wrecking havoc. It got to the point where I couldn't recognize myself and it sent shivers through my consciousness.
After that ordeal, I decided that I couldn't continue the rest of the treatment. It just seemed like the path of death. I wrote to my oncologist and told him my decision. (It's not like me to quite something like this.) That week was an agony as I searched every corner of my soul and prayed my heart out for direction.
Early on the doctors told me that there is "no way" anyone can survive leukemia with just one round of the treatment. I had finished one round. Even though I was in an altered state that week, I still opened myself to the beauty around me and began to feel myself choosing life and life choosing me. That part was wonderful.
The second week I had a meeting with the oncologist and I knew he was going to try to convince to complete the treatment. But the night before I had a remarkable and sacred experience that clearly indicated that I needed to come back into the hospital. It came in the form of a dream..... When I woke up the next morning I felt such deep peace. All the angst left me -- not that the decision to come back to the incredibly brutal chemo treatment hasn't filled me with angst! But I knew it was the right thing to do to give myself the best chance of a complete CURE!
So I'm back in the hospital, going into my 3 week of this round. I have one more week (next) and then will be able to go home for a week or two for a break before doing the next round of 3 weeks. After that I will talk to my oncologist about my options for the 3rd and last round. I am not inclined to do that around....at least, not in the same way. Perhaps he'd be open to modifying it. This much I'm sure about. I will not undergo that chemo in the way it was given to me before.
I'll be out of the hospital soon and discharged for good in May. It's been a long, long journey since Mid-November. It will take me quite some time to integrate it all, even if that's possible. I know my life has changed dramatically: releasing old grievances, forgiving betrayals, digging into the deep recesses of grief and letting it all go....these must become a way life -- the way of the peaceful warrior. My diet will change and I will find so many supportive, healthy, loving, creative way of being with life again, more fully than ever.
Much love to each of you,
Heidi
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