It has been such an incredibly long time since I've updated you. Life has a way of moving on, and thank goodness for that! This morning I wondered if a little update might be appreciated. So here goes...
I've been finding my way in the "new normal" of this maintenance phase of my treatment -- daily, weekly and monthly chemo treatments. In the midst of low energy caused by sub-normal blood counts (due to chemo), I'm settling into life as it is.....for the most part. I say "for the most part" because there are still days, like today, when I feel the urge to be in connection with a larger purpose. Something inclusive of humanity, serviceful....only to realize how intensely purposeful my inner life is at the moment. And how that is, above all else, ultimately the most important purpose. The ways of the past are gone, at least for now. That bursting energy I used to feel, like an unbridled colt or a strong gust of wind, is simply no where to be found.... So I give in, allow, let the river of life flow as it will.
Sometimes life has us incubating...."on the shelf". There is simply nothing we can do about it. We can resist or surrender. The choice is ours. "In surrendering the mainstays of your former worldview and separating yourself from everyday community life, your old anchors and familiar reference points disappear. You will have to rely on yourself more deeply and fully than ever before." (Soulcraft, by Bill Plotkin). I'm reading this wonderful book now and it stirs my soul with strength and vision. "Sometimes, without any effort on our part and when we least expect it, the soul shows up, pulls the rug of ordinary life from beneath us, and showers us with its confounding radiance. We hear our true name spoken for the first time, or an angel appears and invites us to wrestle, or we awake in the wilderness at midnight....."
Leukemia has showered me with its confounding radiance and given me plenty of angels (and demons) to wrestle with. In the midst of it all, it has shown me that there is a hero inside, perhaps a reluctant hero...but a hero nonetheless. All I've had to do is continue to show up. I don't need to win any battles or be profoundly positive or philosophical every moment... The soul of the hero is simply in not giving up. Well, at least, for today, I can do that. I can lay in my bed, exhausted, and think about beauty. I can write this blog. I can smile at the cashier at Trader Joe's...
My art has come powerfully into my life again. Out of the blue new opportunities have come, and I've been relishing them.
Peter and I went to a wonderful concert recently at the home of Lauren and Ken Golden -- piano and violin. I was swept off my feet, literally, listening to the beautiful music of Rachmoninoff, and other great composers of old (and new). They had a super comfortable recliner they let me use, so I listened "in style" and let the music swirl through my being, carrying me to places both mystical and magical. Here's a photo from that night -- Peter and I with a good friend, Therese....
Well, folks, that's it for now. I continue to appreciate your well wishes. Am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel -- only 10 more months of chemo and I'll be done...FINALLY.
Sending each of you love and a big warm, fuzzy HUG!
Heidi
