Greetings everyone,
It's amazing how different I can feel from one day to the next. Had a wonderful time with Peter over the weekend. Got two 6-7 hour passes from the hospital. We tried a couple of new restaurants, went to a movie, hung out at his house, and watched the Game on Sunday. I was feeling so good during the Game, for a few hours I completely forgot I have leukemia. I was able to drive myself back to the hospital that evening for the first time to begin my chemo preparation. I think the contrast from the weekend "out" and then coming back to a difficult round of chemo got to me Sunday night....I slumped and had to really work on my perspective the next morning. Felt completely whiped out, emotionally too, so I prayed deeply for some encouragement, some comfort and support as I waited for my lumbar pucture to begin at 1 p.m. I literally "stormed the gates of heaven".....
Comfort came quickly in the form of a visit from Peter and a couple of doses of Western's best: 1 mg of dilaudid pain killer and 0.5 mg of adavan, a relaxant. The two worked like a charm. I hardly remember anything about the puncture, except that I was light-headed AND light-hearted. No fear or anxiety whatsoever! Peter was here holding me and I think I even dozed off during the procedure! After it was done they laid me down and I slept all the way to 5 p.m. It was magical to see how well the procedure went and that I had such a sense of well being in my body when sleeping throughout the day. The memory of how well yesterday went is with me still today, as a beautiful response of Grace. To go from intense anxiety and depression in the morning, to smiles and even cheeriness by evening, is truly remarkable!
This morning I woke up without a headache for the first time in weeks. My WBC went from 4.7 yesterday to 11.3 today. Actually, the 11.3 is "high normal" and rarely makes a jump like that in a day. The doctor says it may point to an infection (perhaps in my lungs), but regardless it is a good sign that my body can produce that level of WBC, he said. My plateletts went from 150 to 187 -- a really good jump too. Some Leukemia patients can't get their counts that high ever, I've heard.
I have two more times today that I have to take the potassium pills (they are truly yucky) to keep me in a good heart rhythm -- and two more times of pill form methotrexate, the chemo I'm on during this round. By tonight they will have me on the antidote for the metatrexate and by Thursday I should be off all IV and thinking about coming home for a week before starting all the treatments over again during my second half. Peter and I are going to celebrate the half way mark in some way this weekend.
When I was first admitted in November last year, 6 months of the hospital seemed mentally and emotionally out of reach. I just couldn't grasp the enormity of it. It is HUGE to have been through all the treatment now, know what's coming and that it should be easier the second time around because, as the doctor said, my "cancer load" is much less (or completely non-existent) right now. Imagine how wonderful and upbeat I will feel after the next treatment is done and by March I should have just 2 more left.....or six (plus) more weeks in the hospital -- compared to six months!
I'm getting there, my dear friends. It has been so heartwarming to travel this road with all of you cheering me on. There have been brief moments when walking out has gone through my mind...never seriously entertained, I might add. The deeper part of me is committed to going through with everything to give myself the best shot at getting every Leukemia cell. It will be a new day when I can begin focusing more intensely on building my body up. A Naturopathic doctor sent me this website about some research on Vit. D and D3 for cancer, for anyone who's interested: http://www.vitamindcouncil.org/researchCancer.shtml There are so many good nutritional things I want to begin to incorporate when I'm in the outpatient phase of the treatment.
I've been painting again. Feels good.
Sending my love to each one of you.....
Heidi
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
A Rough Week
Hi Friends,
This was my second week of the chemotherapy called methotrexate, and a difficult one. I haven't felt up to too much communication, so I apologize if some of you didn't hear back from me if you called. The Methotrexate has built up in my system now and so the side effects are more pronounced than the first week. I have one more week of this particular chemo to go before I reach the half way point (of the hospitalization portion) of my treatment.
Yesterday (Thursday) my white blood count went down a bit and my chronic cough got worse. I'm learning that the path to regaining my health is not going to be linear. It's more like 3 steps forward, 2 backward. However, Dr. Liao gave me a wonderful perspective during his visit in the morning. His words were a life raft in this seemingly shoreless ocean of chemo, nausea and pain.... He said "Heidi, you are doing above average with the treatment. Actually, how you are responding is superior to others I've seen." And I could hear the sincerity and enthusiasm in his voice.
It is so important to hear words of encouragement and perspective from those who have experience with Leukemia. My nurse last night also told me how well I'm doing....."I've seen many, many Leukemia patients in my career and let me tell you, Heidi, you are doing really, really good."
I take these words with me into the daily battle -- doing my best to remain positive and to go the full 9 yards with this difficult treatment. For example, this morning I can't even imagine another lumbar puncture this next Monday and going through yet another week of Methotrexate. So I don't look ahead...except to this weekend when I hope to get out of the hospital and play a bit, energy permitting.
The most challenging aspect of this right now is the sheer length of time of not feeling good with only a little respite now and then from the pain medication. It is a journey of utmost GRIT!! There is no going half way.... Dr. Liao said if only one leukemia cell is there, I would have a relapse in the future. So I'm taking every pill they give me, every IV, every injection.... I'm fighting this with all I have. I am absolutely determined to be in that 40% that gets to the 5 year point (and beyond) with no relapse!!
There are moments, like this morning, when all I want is some tenderness....something to offset the rough, sharp edges of this experience. Something soft and easy. There are moments of tears when I just can't get down another yucky potion that is there to help me, but makes me even more nauseous in doing so. But get it down I do, and I wake up to another day....closer to my goal, closer to the end, closer to a new, brighter chapter of my life.
Today, if up to it, I'm going to take a longer walk outside. I'm no longer hooked up to my IV as of this morning...so am freer to get around. I'm also going to do some art. I haven't felt inspired to do anything creative in such a long time, and even today it seems like a bit of an effort. But I feel it will help me....
That's it for now.... will post again soon. Meanwhile, my love and hugs to each of you!
Heidi
This was my second week of the chemotherapy called methotrexate, and a difficult one. I haven't felt up to too much communication, so I apologize if some of you didn't hear back from me if you called. The Methotrexate has built up in my system now and so the side effects are more pronounced than the first week. I have one more week of this particular chemo to go before I reach the half way point (of the hospitalization portion) of my treatment.
Yesterday (Thursday) my white blood count went down a bit and my chronic cough got worse. I'm learning that the path to regaining my health is not going to be linear. It's more like 3 steps forward, 2 backward. However, Dr. Liao gave me a wonderful perspective during his visit in the morning. His words were a life raft in this seemingly shoreless ocean of chemo, nausea and pain.... He said "Heidi, you are doing above average with the treatment. Actually, how you are responding is superior to others I've seen." And I could hear the sincerity and enthusiasm in his voice.
It is so important to hear words of encouragement and perspective from those who have experience with Leukemia. My nurse last night also told me how well I'm doing....."I've seen many, many Leukemia patients in my career and let me tell you, Heidi, you are doing really, really good."
I take these words with me into the daily battle -- doing my best to remain positive and to go the full 9 yards with this difficult treatment. For example, this morning I can't even imagine another lumbar puncture this next Monday and going through yet another week of Methotrexate. So I don't look ahead...except to this weekend when I hope to get out of the hospital and play a bit, energy permitting.
The most challenging aspect of this right now is the sheer length of time of not feeling good with only a little respite now and then from the pain medication. It is a journey of utmost GRIT!! There is no going half way.... Dr. Liao said if only one leukemia cell is there, I would have a relapse in the future. So I'm taking every pill they give me, every IV, every injection.... I'm fighting this with all I have. I am absolutely determined to be in that 40% that gets to the 5 year point (and beyond) with no relapse!!
There are moments, like this morning, when all I want is some tenderness....something to offset the rough, sharp edges of this experience. Something soft and easy. There are moments of tears when I just can't get down another yucky potion that is there to help me, but makes me even more nauseous in doing so. But get it down I do, and I wake up to another day....closer to my goal, closer to the end, closer to a new, brighter chapter of my life.
Today, if up to it, I'm going to take a longer walk outside. I'm no longer hooked up to my IV as of this morning...so am freer to get around. I'm also going to do some art. I haven't felt inspired to do anything creative in such a long time, and even today it seems like a bit of an effort. But I feel it will help me....
That's it for now.... will post again soon. Meanwhile, my love and hugs to each of you!
Heidi
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