Tuesday, Christmas Week

Dearest friends and family,

Just a quick, but oh so deeply felt, thank you for all your support via phone calls, emails, thoughts, prayers....  Sometimes I'm not quite up to responding.  If you don't hear back from me, know that I have cherished your every word of love and good cheer, and send you -- on etheric wings -- my appreciation for all you are to me! 

I dare say an experience like this has a way of shaking up any complacency and "taking it for granted" attitudes.  I was just thinking last night how nice it would be to hop in my car, drive over to Trader Joe's, pick up something yummy, then come home to an enjoyable evening of candles and pre-Christmas coziness.  Little things -- as small as breathing in the fresh air or getting my boots wet in the rain -- I miss so very much right now.  I can look out the little sliver of a window I have in my room and see the rain falling (and falling and falling!).   I'm keeping in touch with the sky from my hospital bed.... that big overarching sky that remains, in essence, changeless, regardless of clouds or rainbows.  

 "Develop a mind that is vast like space, where experiences both pleasant and unpleasant can appear and disappear without conflict, struggle or harm. Rest in a mind like vast sky."  Majjhima Nikaya

Oh how I wish it were that easy!  The mind can create a whole story around suffering, as mine has at times, by weaving together thoughts of the past with the pain of the present.  Issues of life, death, connection with Spirit and the Universe, my relationships with friends and above all, with self, are clearly and unmistakably before me as never before.

I need reminders right now to WELCOME my current experience and feelings, regardless of what they are....even my inability to muster up a positive attitude at times.  Welcome, Open, Allow (rather than stuff feelings), Vsualize, Afirm health and goodness.  I've had a few days that have allowed me to explore deeper levels of my fear and worry -- not in a way that fixates on the negative, but that opens me to a deeper gratitude, acceptance and allowance.   There are times when this flow is there and they generate even more strength and inner peace.

The doctors are shifting around my medications and I feel we have finally found the right combination for the nausea and pain.  One of my doctors just came by to see me and started talking about the chakra system (Kaiser has come a long way!)  He told me how medical science is discovering that biology (such as a chemo-devastated digestive system) can actually affect moods (as well as vice versa). 

Hopefully, if my blood counts recover a bit by tomorrow (Wed.) I can begin with the second phase of the chemo -- into my spine.  Wow!  Notice how I wrote "Hopefully"!  Am I really eager for the chemo to begin?  Actually, I'd just like to get it behind me! 

Til soon.....   May each day of this week be blessed with easy navigating through rain puddles, bright smiles and a warm hearth and hearts surrounding you.

Heidi