Hi Everyone,
It's been quite a time in recent weeks. The last two treatments I had (before this last week) were so close together -- just 3 days apart -- it was too much for my body. I was incredibly nauseous, could hardly eat or drink for about 1 1/2 weeks and had to be in the hospital again for serious dehydration for a couple of days. Peter and I have had SO many trips to Kaiser ER in the last two plus years! We have seriously lost count! 20? 30? But thank goodness for the blessings of Kaiser insurance!
So....have been a bit "out of commission" in recent weeks and apologize if I haven't answered your emails or voicemails. Am finally beginning to feel better after about 5 or more weeks....
As we head into spring, I'm reminded of last year, around April, and how that massive relapse began to sneak up on me. It's been 8 months to the day, pretty much, since I was admitted to the hospital last July, not knowing if I'd ever walk again, or, more importantly, survive. Here I am eight months later and today I found out that the spinal fluid they extracted yesterday came back with ZERO white blood cells. I've never had it at zero before, which would indicate there is really no cancer...at least that is what I feel. But to be safe I will continue with the Kaiser and other treatments. It's such a fine line -- are there still Leukemia cells? If not, the treatment going into my spinal fluid kills the good and bad cells and could have long-term side effects that could be potentially serious. Why continue with it if the cancer is all gone? However, there's no objective way to determine that...so continue I must until I have some greater clarity. Dr. P wants me to stay on the treatment for the rest of my life. Hmmmm......
I met with the Tibetan doctor today, Dr. Lobsang. It was a wonderful visit.... his view on the above question is that cancer of the blood and spinal fluid is a "complicated" disease and he will need some time to work with me, see how I do from his herbs, etc. while I continue with the Kaiser treatment, cold energy, Mederi.... maybe six months or so. I believe that is Dr. Bricca's feeling too. If I continue in remission -- fingers crossed -- we can decide at that time about discontinuing with the Kaiser treatment. I felt really positive about his entire outlook. So kind and knowledgable. He has seen people with Stage 4 cancer turn things around and be healed, he said, because they cultivate a deep connection with Spirit, with their hearts, with a sense of joy and purpose, despite their circumstances. What's amazing, is that he could feel an inherent "vitality" in me, and could feel, in my pulse, a deep recuperative energy despite the 2 plus years of chemicals and cancer.
The Kaiser treatment yesterday brought the usual side effects -- about an hour of intense nausea, cold sweats, dizziness and the inability to focus my eyes for about 2 hours. My good friend, Rick, sat with me and held my hand through it all....
Peter and I have been reading about (and practicing) something called "coherent breathing". It's basically inhaling to the count of 5 and exhaling to the same count. It sounds incredibly simple, but there's some very good science on it and its health benefits -- both emotional/mental and physical. As the side effects from the treatment yesteerday began their intense gripping of my body/mind, I began to feel an overwhelming wave of emotion well up within, like a tidal wave of resistance to all the pain and difficulty I've gone through for such a prolonged period now. My mind said "NO! Not again!" Then I began to breathe.... consciously counting to five and exhaling to 5..., letting thoughts dissolve into the breath. Quite quickly, the emotion and the nausea began to ebb noticeably, and am doing well today, relative to other treatments.
I still have days when I wake up and need to work with myself to find that place inside that is bouyant and, if not exactly "happy", is at peace with "what is". Am going to a Mindfulness meditation tomorrow for the first time. It meets weekly, and am looking forward to connecting with some new people and, above all, using my time/energy for deepening my spiritual connection.
Am incredibly grateful for the ZERO white blood cells -- indicative, I hope, of a very solid and prolonged REMISSION!!!!!
Thank you all for your continued love, support, prayers and good wishes!!!
Heidi
