Hello All--

 

Heidi returns to have a neurosurgical procedure tomorrow Tuesday October 30 about 1:30 pm San Diego time. This is to have the Ommaya reservoir (the device that caused the seizures) removed so as to prevent infections and other problems down the road. We hope she will be able to come home the same day, but this is not yet for certain.

 

We deeply appreciate your prayers and thoughts focussed on keepin her safe and on having an easy, successful surgery on Tuesday.

 

Thanks and many blessings to all--

Peter

ANOTHER TWIST!

Dear Friends and Family,

Another twist in a long, windy road... My spinal tap yesterday was the most difficult one ever... Dr. P couldn't get the needle in the right place for about 20 mins. during which time he had to try 3 different needles numerous times.  There is more to the story, but won't go into all the unpleasant details.  Suffice it to say that the whole thing, including our conversation before the tap, left me very unsettled most of the day.

He again called in the late afternoon to tell me that my spinal fluid and blood work from yesterday came back showing that there were still only 2 white blood cells in my fluid....a very good sign.  I believe he also said, and I'm confirming it this morning, that there is still no sign of cancer there.  However, he was surprised to see that my hemoglobin -- which carries oxygen to the muscle and, when low, causes anemia -- was in the "severe anemia" category and he wanted to order a blood transfusion.  So I'm writing this from the hospital where I spent the night. I came on an intuitive hunch that I should act on this quickly, rather than wait til the morning as Dr. P suggested. When I got here I felt like I had just stepped out of the shower.... my hair and sweatshirt were sopping wet.  My hemoglobin has never been so low, even during the 5 plus months of hospitalization back in 2010 and 2011.  But this was not a surprise to me with the incredible weakness I've been experiencing; it actually gave me some perspective. 

So I got the transfusion this morning at 5 a.m. and am already feeling much better.  As it was going in, I playfully thought about Halloween and vampires and above all, how there is truth to all the tales about human blood being so life giving!  Of course, I'm not drinking it....but my body, tissues and cells are having a big party right now, splashing around in the greater, thicker blood flow and reveling in the kindness of whoever donated this special gift.  As my blood volume increases so does my strength.

The other interesting thing...for whatever it is worth (it could just be due to the fact that I was so "blood starved" and was finally given a "meal" of fresh blood) sometime during the night I felt a heaviness lift.  I wasn't really thinking about anything in particular.  All of a sudden, my awareness was called to a kind of spaciousness around me and I began to notice that my "etheric field" felt lighter.  It's hard to put these things in words.  It has been so incredibly heavy since the brain surgery debacle.  By the way, I'm scheduled to have the reservoir removed via surgery next Tuesday, Oct. 30, at 1:45 p.m. for those who would like to send some positive thoughts my way.  In all honesty, I'm a little nervous as the neurologist said the other day that that area of my brain is now more sensitized to having seizures...  But one has to simply make a decision, stand with it and trust.  We can't know how things will turn out in life much of the time.   

This morning an Indian oncologist came into my room and I had a delightful conversation with her about alternative treatments, oncology, and how I want the alternative-conventional approach (not the either/or approach), I want Kaiser to be an ally if I am to go off of conventional treatment for awhile or forever.  For the first time since I've been on this journey with Leukemia I felt I had found someone who I could (finally) talk to on the staff here about my situation.  I am seriously considering changing oncologists after what happened with Dr. P yesterday. He is simply not wired to step even an inch outside the conventional Kaiser perspective and I need someone who can support me if I do.

These twists and turn seem to happen at least once a week.  Last night was a hidden blessing.  Again, without going into all the details, I would not have gotten a badly needed transfusion if I hadn't come in come into the hospital, but had waited til this morning as Dr. P suggested.

Oh, on Dr. P's 5th or 6th attempt to get the needle between the vertebrae in  my spine he said, "You sure are being tested."   I guess that speaks to the only thing we have control over -- our thoughts and attitude.  I have to admit that I've been at an all time low off and on in recents week, much of which has been caused by my flagging energy and all the weighty decisions on my shoulders.  But on the other hand, have started a meditation during which I allow all the happy, peaceful and contented memories of my life to free-float up into feelable meditation moments, almost like they are happening again in real time.  I've noticed how readily and easily the body/mind can realign with these and how they have an almost instantaneous effect on consciousness AND on the immune system.  The body WANTS to heal.  We are hard wired for health, joy, love. It all seems so clear during these meditation moments, and so far away when mired down in the "reality" of pain, lack of sleep, and life/death decisions...

So I'll say adieu for now...... I'm sure you'll be hearing from me again soon!  And thank you to all who continue to follow my human drama and be such amazing cheerleaders rootin' me along the way!  Thank you too for those of you who give my sweet Pete your dear friendship, presence and support.

Heidi

Hi Everyone....
 
To say that this is a time of unexpected twists and turns is an understatment!  When we woke up at 4:30 last Tuesday morning for our trip to Ashland, we learned that our flight had been cancelled!  My Mederi appointment that day was the only time they could see me.  Peter had rescheduled all this clients last week so he could take the week off.  We simply couldn't "reschedule" to another week.  We moaned and groaned over our lost adventure as we finally realized, after two hours of researching other flights out of this area, that we were simply unable to go.
 
We ended up having a SKYPE appointment  -- almost 3 hours -- with a wonderful doctor (and human being) there. His humility, authenticity and thoughtful intelligence about cancer were deeply moving.  I was very encouraged and relieved not to have been hearing all the doom and gloom scenerios I've been hearing from convential medical practioners.  Dr. Bricca's personalized protocol arrived yesterday and I'm still digesting it today.  It is clear that wholistic oncology has evolved in a big way.  It's not "shooting in the dark" and hoping for the best.  They have studies, have seen results, etc.   These are powerful anti-cancer botanicals and clinical grade supplements. My particular form of cancer is rare, he said, so there really aren't statics for my type of cancer, but they (Mederi) have seen positive results that can prolong life with the blood cancers, if not create the inner "environment" for a cure (at least, this is my hope)! This is VERY good news.
 
Meanwhile, I'm waiting to have my appointment with Dr. Gwen Stritter, the doctor who advocates for and researches the best treatments available on the planet for people in my situation.  That will happen next week.  So things are coming together.  When I should stop the chemo is still a question, as is how Kaiser will respond at that time to helping me with various diagnostic tests I will need even though I'm not receiving treatment from them.   It would be very expensive to have weekly blood tests that are paid for "out of pocket" in addition to some of the other treatments they are recommending, plus a whole host of supplements each month...
 
I'm still getting the weekly intrathecal injections of chemo into my spinal fluid and have one today, Thursday. Have had about 5 and with all the other medications I'm taking -- anti-seizure for the botched brain surgery, an antibiotic, still weaning off of the steroid Decadron, etc. -- am extremely weak.  It's difficult, for example, to wash dishes or do anything that requires muscles.
 
I don't have the full functioning of my face back and have to use eyedrops constantly (so my corneas don't get damaged), am still drooling out of one side of my mouth, I've been told I have to be on the anti-seizure medication the rest of my life (though I'm not accepting this) and one of the side effects of this medication is atrial fibrillation, which has become more frequent -- once or twice a week as opposed to once a month.    Plus all the decisions that still need to be made, the daily weakness (it's hard to just walk to the kitchen)....  It's imperative to snatch those little moments of joy when they show up.
 
One of those moments was when Peter and I, very much in need of a "get away," drove all the way up to Carmel (through Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo, Big Sur) this past week, as an alternative to Ashland.  There was one foggy morning along the 1 highway which hugs the cliffs of Big Sur. Suddenly the sun came out and lit up the side of the mountain where there were lots of shrubs that spiders had woven magical, dew-drenched webs in.  We stood there in awe at nature's "light show." The dew sparkled like lanterns in a distant city....too numerous to fathom and too brilliant to ever forget.  I will carry that memory always. 

Dew

Transparently dimensional

A Universe

In a tiny Drop of Glow

Its wondrous luminosity

A glimpse of Worlds Unseen

 

More soon.  

 

Love to you all!

 

Heidi

 

 

A Beneficent Immensity....

A Beneficent Immensity

of No Thing,

An Unsurpassed Quiessence,

Surpassing.

-- Peter (written the day of my surgery)

 

 



Peter wrote this poem about 3 weeks ago, on the day of my surgery.  We had been reading from The Field of Compassion together and discussing the mysteries and majesties of this Universe we live, breathe and have our being in.... It so simply conveys the unconveyable (in words) magic we see unfolding everyday, from the first glint of sun on morning dew, to the blackness of the sky at night and how starlight is reaching us from such a long, long time ago when weren't even here on the planet, or at least not here in this form...to the beautiful picture above of a sunrise over Mt. Shasta.

We're Off to Mederi Tomorrow:

We are excited about our trip tomorrow to Mederi Foundation and to Ashland, OR.  Equally important is a much needed  "get away" into the healing arms of Nature and Beauty.  We have been through so very much since July 11.  Now it's time to turn the page into a new chapter of healing.  I can hardly wait to begin hearing something positive, hopeful, encouraging about this form of cancer instead of the "dead end" scenarios they convey at Kaiser, with all their best intentions.

Authenticity:

"Let him who seeks continue seeking until he
finds. When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes
troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the All."  -- The Gospel of St. Thomas

Just some recent but powerful reflections on my own healing journey....

We "spiritual" folk often run from our shadow side -- those darker corners of our consciousness that are not pretty or inspiring. They may, in fact, be deeply "troubling".  To me the above quote refers to self-honesty and authenticity -- the impulse, backed by action, to face who we are completely.  I'd like to think I have had a lifetime of doing just that... but this Leukemia has shown me so many different sides of myself -- some not all that pretty.  Some, on the other hand, that I have been inspired by.  It has been a true blessing in disguise in that regard.

We've heard and read, many times perhaps, that "God watches the heart" and that out of the heart springs our actions and deeds. Peter reminded me of another quote today that it is our actions that change our thoughts....  Acting on our good intentions creates new pathways in the brain.  We "see" ourselves following through and not perhaps just passively affirming something, wishing it or merely "thinking" about it.  We also see how we actually can re-grow brain cells and can change the structure and function of our brains by the way we think.  Yet, how many times have I thought about change for years -- whether it be a not so healthy habit, or a more desirable one I want to incorporate -- and not done it?  I know I'm in that category, even now, as I desire to re-energize my spiritual practices....  "Freedom is our capacity to seek meaning and stake our lives on what we have discovered.  It is the existential that enables us to make choices that evolve us to live responsibly and co-creatively."  (From "The Field of Compassion")

Choices that evolve us....  These choices may, in fact, mean looking deeper at our fears and "unconscious" beliefs we may not even know we have!

Dr. Ernie Rossi, a pioneer in the body/mind movement and a student of Eriksonian therapy, called the  unconscious a "blind giant"when I spent a wonderful weekend with him this time last year.  The unconscious never lies to us and has VERY significant things for us to look at more deeply.  Those of us with strong spiritual inclinations and practices might be tempted to turn away, denigrate or deny our shadow side  (an act also known as spiritual "bypass")....little knowing or acknowledging what a mighty influence the unconscious has in healing and guiding our lives, even though we know this on an intellectual level.  Have we ever noticed that, when our shadow is unacknowledged (anger, projections, etc.), it has a way of "leaking out sideways" either in health issues, relationship problems, self judgments, etc.?  Or we try to "affirm" them away.  By the way, I am a HUGE proponent of the use of affirmations. It is a beautiful form of soul-art.  Yogananda refers to affirmations as "vibratory prayer-seeds."  They do have the power to change matter, as visualization does.  Sometimes we may need more than that.... At least I feel I do right now...

Peter and I are showing up to this cancer thing as an opportunity for much deeper growth on all levels of being.  This morning we had a wonderful sharing about the vital importance of bringing all parts of our beings into healing, which includes the spiritual dimension... which IS, at least in my belief, the most important, although not at the expense of the others.  My facial paralysis, for example, happened after two weeks of the most intense and heartfelt daily affirmation practice that I've had in my whole life.  There were and are deeper areas of faith and letting go that I have had to reach....that, and giving the Divine Forces a chance to work uninterruptedly.  The timing of the paralysis, and surgery that I survived due to your prayers, the various unexpected or spiritually "not logical" twists and turns have given me plenty of opportunities to stretch to those deeper areas of letting go and faith...

Using affirmation is certainly what I have "known" throughout life.  But recently I have seen that there is a powerful energy competing with this spiritual "knowing" that is finding its way into my unconscious/subconscious during my dreams -- fear.  I'm not one to consciously dwell on fear, but I am beginning to normalize fear as part of my journey and I'm finally willing to be honest with myself here.  My dreams last night make it impossible to ignore....

There were 3 "recurring" dreams where this energy came, well,  in the form of a nightmare.  Yes, it is humbling to admit that even with all my positive thoughts, courage, and beliefs, I can still have them.  Three dreams, all 3 of which Peter had to wake me up because I was in obvious discomfort!  In all three I was being pursued by an "invader" who wanted to take my life.  Of course, I know that I wouldn't be human and facing a situation like this without some fear.... fear of death, fear of pain....fear of loss..    I am now almost off of one of the drugs that has been keeping me in remission -- Decadron -- and face some treatment altering decisions soon.  The Chemo has been a sort of "security" blanket for me.  As I get off of it, the pain at the base of my skull and behind my ears has come back to a degree.

I'm a strong believer in looking at our shadow side as well as affirming and visualizing our Light.  If fear is there, denying or repressing it won't make it go away.  It will show itself, as it did to me last night.  I need to be with it, integrate, make "friends" with it.  This too is a way of reconciling opposites.  It doesn't mean I have to identify with it, dwell on it, or let it continue to have power in the unconscious domain by ignoring it.  In my dreams last night there was some person, or entity, trying to take my life.  This morning I realized that whatever that was in all 3 dreams is a part of me needing acceptance; it is not something outside of myself.  Push it away?  Deny it?  That would be to deny a part of myself.

Sometimes we may feel in the "grip" of these unconscious forces. We may not fully know what they are or how to overcome them.  Just a simple letting go, turning over, placing them "at the feet of God,"  or whatever practice we may have when we bring in the higher energies of healing and light, is a choice toward evolving through them, I feel. At least this is so in my case.  I do not mean to preach here what is best for everyone.  We all will find our own way.

On another note, Dr. Polikoff called me on Friday to say that, for the 4th week in a row, they cannot find any cancer cells in my spinal fluid.  During my appointment last week, he was so heartfelt in his communication; more than at any other time.  He said, "Did being a nun for so many years help you with your fear of death?  We all have this fear, on some level, regardless of our religion."  Well, maybe some of us don't.  I hadn't really considered if I do until that question and the discussion with Peter this morning.   

When a nun I would read, and still do, about the beautiful heavenly realms and how we can live, after our perhaps difficult sojourn on earth, closer to our true nature.  We will experience deeper freedom and joy, surrounded by loved ones we have known for eons, and will have access to higher knowledge.  Wow!  Yogananda's description of the astral world is stunning.  Why wouldn't we want to get out of this world of pain and turmoil?  But he (and many others) have also said that human birth is the greatest gift and that we make the most progress here (in distinction to "there") because we have to grapple with and overcome our fears, our unforgivenesses, judgments, etc.  Leukemia, particularly a cancer that has so few convential treatment options, is bringing me to a new level of self-honesty.  If not now, when?  This too takes courage and, in the Big Picture, I am so grateful for this inner journey.

Most religions or spiritual paths seem to have a glorious description of the afterlife where we find comfort, peace and can make some sense out of our lives in this world.  I'm fortunate to have had some experiences in childhood, actual experiences, as I'm sure many of you did, confirming the existence of an astral or heavenly realm.  People who have had NDE's pretty much all say "there is nothing to fear" -- all is Light and Love.  It is attachment to the finite, according to many, that creates the pain and fear of leaving this world.  All I can say is that until I went through this relapse and thought about leaving my loved ones, I didn't really acknowledge my own sense of my potential loss and therefore my attachments.   On the other hand, I also have seen how very much I desire to live, love, dance, serve and express uniquely what is inside and what a true gift it is to be alive in this realm, and to continue to evolve consciously.   I hope to have many more years to do that and if not, to let go gently and with great love.

I remember a story of how Yogananda couldn't be around those he loved (e.g. Sister Gyanamata) when they were passing because of his attachment. The integration of the human and the Divine has always been deeply inspiring to me....I have loved hearing stories like this because I can relate.   Yes, I am attached -- in other words, I can love FULLY.  I can appreciate FULLY.  I can support FULLY.  I am here in this world FULLY, with all my strengths and foibles.  I try not to distance or separate from others, fearing I am becoming too attached or because of some belief system.  Always the context for living love is there underlying it all.....

Well, a rather lengthy blog entry that I have used more like a journal.  Thanks for taking this walk with me (those of you who have made it to the end!)....  More updates after Mederi....

Heartfully,

 

Heidi

The Wind in our Sails......

Hi Everyone....

I feel like we caught a wonderful, cool breeze in the sails of our little boat crossing, what has seemed at times, like a huge ocean without a shore ahead.  I write this as a delicious Fall breeze blows through the window at Peter's house, where I've been since that whole surgery "thing" happened two weeks ago.   We've been up since 5 a.m. talking, sharing, reflecting and getting ready for the Mederi Foundation.  We realized also that we have to deliberately add relaxation, fun, play, nature to the mix, which we'll be doing in Ashland next week (Crater Lake, Mt. Shasta, the Redwoods, good restaurants, etc.)

An answer came back from that Dr. Gwen Stritter (http://strittermed.org/SMC/?page_id=2) and I've decided to hire her.  She seems truly amazing in her research and, with all the choices that I face, would be an indespensible resource for me now.  I wrote her last night about the Mederi Foundation, asking if she had heard of it, and here's her very encouraging response (Donnie Yance is the founder):

 

Yes, I have. Donnie Yance is a "rock star" in the holistic oncology field. If you can get an appointment with him, you'll be in excellent hands!   That's one place I find to be quite intriguing and I hope to visit some day ...

We're honing in on my choices now.  The City of Hope doctor sent an email yesterday, after discussing my case with 10 other oncologists on the staff, saying that there is a high likelihood of the Leukemia returning and a low chance of being cured through the bone marrow transplant, but they nevertheless still recommend it.  Truth be told, I have all but made the final declaration of my decision to the doctors that I do not want to go this route.  I am still in remission and most likely will continue with chemo through October to keep it that way.  We are finding other potential future resources and options.  I have been told by Kaiser that I am VERY responsive to the chemo I'm on now which is good news....but I do long to begin building my body up instead of tearing it down with chemo.  Such a mixed bag, isn't it?  (For example, in the nasty side effects dept. I could hardly walk the last two mornings because of such acute pain in my knees caused by the chemo.)

The MAIN thing lately is that I'm getting my spirit back.  I no longer feel despair or lack of hope -- so important on this journey.  Deep down I still feel I'm meant to be here for some time yet, and I even feel a sense of purpose and service in my personal journey.   These are precious gifts.

Protection, Where I can Find it:

On a humorous (and almost humiliating!) note......   The day after the very sobering meeting with the Bone Marrow Transplant doctor, Peter and I had breakfast in a quaint little "town" nestled in the foothills of Pasadena called Sierra Madre.  We needed something light..... It was wonderful.  I'm having a bit of a last "hooray" with my diet these days as I know I'll be doing a very different diet very soon. I got a hearty stack of banana/pecan pancakes.  I  truly never indulge like this and it was fun.  I loaded up on the syrup and butter.  After feasting, as we nonchalantly strolled through this charming mountainside village, I went into Starbucks to use their restroom.  Several minutes later, I emerged and moved through a flank of bicycle riders who had subtly quizical looks on their faces as I walked by, which I didn't understand at the time....

Just minutes later, crossing the street, a gentleman with his date (sitting at a sidewalk cafe), darted up and towards us in a flash, self consciously, but helpfully, muttering:  "The paper, Sir.  The paper, Sir."  Peter didn't know what the heck he was referring to until the man grabbed something from my rear area and handed it to Peter.  It was several inches of an ivory white "Protecto" toiletseat cover which had been, well, oddly tucked into my pants and floating, like the train of a wedding dress, down Sierra Madre Ave.   Once we got over our initial shock and embarrassment, Peter kept pulling out more of the seat cover (which I thought would never end!).  We staggered, laughing, back to the car. We had gotten our lighthearted reprieve from the day before AND a belly-full of sugar.

I decided to postpone surgery on removing the reservoir, but have definitely decided to remove it.  I am falling into the arms of the Universe and all the magic healing it contains.  When I was just a child I used to have recurring dreams of changing my vibrational frequency and l would levitate, knowing that I was being healed.  It was just a matter of fact. I can still remember how that higher frequency felt and I recall it now, during meditation.   It's like the dream happened just last night.  We have such inner resources available to us.  I'm returning home to some truths I knew very, very early in life. 

Today I get another intrathecal dose of chemo into the spinal fluid AND a bone marrow biopsy, both very painful as you know.  Thanks in advance for your positive thoughts....

We'll be visiting Mt. Shasta next week.  Here's what John Muir said about this beautiful area of the country:  “When I first caught sight of Mount Shasta over the braided folds of the Sacramento Valley, my blood turned to wine, and I have not been weary since.”   — John Muir, 1874

Wow.....

Love to you all.....

Heidi

Some Good News and Heidi's Current Needs

Update on Heidi’s Condition and Current Needs

First for some VERY welcome good news: Her spinal fluid is tested each week for the presence of cancer cells. We just received the results from October 4 and they are still unable to find any! This is 3 weeks running and means she is still in a technical remission which is hard to sustain according to Kaiser. Somehow, Heidi continues to respond extremely well to the chemotherapy they are giving her and not everyone does. A good sign and a remarkable feat with a cancer relapse that Western medicine says has a zero survival rate. 

Thank you to all who contributed to her care during this time and who have kept her in your supportive thoughts.  Your donations were primarily used for the cold energy treatments which saved her life, the many supplements she was on -- some very expensive -- as well as having home health care when she most needed it.  She couldn’t have made it without your support.  It provides options, which are so important right now.

Her Current Needs:

 For those of you able and inclined to contribute to her ongoing care, here’s where we are now:

We will be flying up to the Mederi Foundation Clinic in Ashland, OR, this next week and, hopefully, depending on what we learn from them, will begin a treatment plan for at least the next year.  Estimates are that this will cost anywhere between $500-$1,000 extra a month.  Heidi will also begin the cold energy treatments again which she hopes to resume at a discount rate, given all she spent over summer.  There is also the possibility of hiring an MD who “scours” the planet for the latest and best treatments – some that may be available, for example, in Germany or require long distance travel.  We do not know what her fees might be but have contacted her to see if it’s a good fit.

We are taking it one day/one week at a time now.  She is still continuing with the Kaiser treatments of chemotherapy to keep the cancer at bay and providing more time to explore other options.

There will probably be ongoing acupuncture treatments in the next few months for her facial paralysis, which, by the way, is slowly improving.  Her facial muscles, however, have atrophied to a degree so there is a need here for sure.  A Chinese acupuncture technique called “cupping” can help with this.

Heidi’s spirit continues to shine so brightly through this extremely difficult journey.  We are all inspired by her resiliency.

 

With love, gratitude and grace,

 Peter

Being Real: A Tough Time

My dearest friends and well wishers,

I've come to a place in my journey where it is calling on the deepest surrender and peace I can muster. My father said once, laughing: "No one gets out of here alive." The impermanence and uncertainty of life is shining its spotlight directly into my soul right now. We will all be here one day, and it doesn't necessarily mean this is my time. But it is real, raw, and has me realizing, perhaps for the first time since the diagnosis, that our lives are utterly, utterly, in the Hands of God. I keep thinking I've gone to the deepest place inside, and then another experience comes to show me even a greater letting go.

Perhaps that is the most courageous act we can ever do in life....lettiing go. Letting go of the False Self. Letting go into the Great Surrender of Life and transition. Trusting that all is OK, yes even death and letting go of form, as we know it here. We certainly know this intellectually. Lord knows I taught it, meditated on it and generally kept it as a comfortable "belief system" ideology that seemed far into the future. When it comes (potentially close), like now, it is a whole different ball game......

I never thought I'd be here, yet here I am. I thought some special blessing would surround and infuse my situation with unbounded Grace and Healing....and it still may.... As things are unfolding, however, my choices seem more limited, except one: surrender (which doesn't mean giving up) into the Love that truly is our Nature.

If there's one thing I have experienced through this (besides pain -- ha!) it is that I am loved, especially by my sweet Pete. There have been such tender moments together, and scary moments, and heartening moments.  My life is so blessed -- beyond all words -- to have him by my side through this.  His resilency is mighty.  His heart and his caring glows magnificently.  I learn from his giving every day.  Last night he said, "You know, this situation is so very hard, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, doing anything else." 

I have never felt so loved in all my life. I have also experienced a Grace that has been transforming on a core level that goes way beyond words. It is an energy that uplifts, awakens, fortifies, inspires. It is the heart of Goodness in the universe. I have been fortunate to experience this on a level much deeper than mere intellectual understanding or belief.

Where to go from here?

Peter and I went to the Kaiser in LA that works with the City of Hope this Friday to explore my options about a bone marrow transplant -- which, as I've written before, is the only potential cure from a Western perspective, and very little at that -- 10-30%. The mortality rate from the transplant itself is 15-20% within the first 6 months, and it is a grueling procedure which greatly affects the quality of life. When we asked if anyone my age with relapsed Leukemia in the spinal fluid had been cured through City of Hope we did not hear a resounding "yes," but rather that a woman younger than me had. And they work with thousands of people.

As Grace would have it, we met with the warmest, most humane "Western" medicine doctor we have ever met in our lives. At the end, she hugged me for a full minute (which is long for a hug!) and said I was a walking miracle. When Leukemia comes back into the spinal fluid, as it did for me in July, it can take a life in a matter of weeks, she said. But here I was, walking into her office, out of hospice, and looking pretty darn healthy for being so close to leaving this world just 3 short months ago. My case is definitely intriquing and "miraculous" and there is hope and promise, she said. I have the cold energy and chemo to thank for that, and many, many seen and unseen blessings -- as well as all your prayers.

So....why not just go back to the cold energy now and eradicate all of the cancer cells? The decisions I face now are so difficult for some reason. The cold energy, at least in July-Sept, could not (did not) eradicate all of the Leukemia cells. Thus the facial paralysis. I needed good 'ol chemotherapy to get me back into remission. Both definitely extended my life. I know that now more than ever. I can't do chemo with the cold energy, they tell me (and I believe them). I have to choose. It appears that Life may be asking me to remove the resevoir from my brain and it's a better delivery system for the chemo. I was going to have the surgery tomorrow, but decided to put it off for two weeks, if it doesn't add to the risk factors. Am waiting to hear back from the surgeon.

All these twists and turns (some quite positive) make a clear path of treatment all the harder. Peter and I will be going to the Mederi Foundation in Ashland, OR and they have been encouraging....but we haven't been there to really see and understand what they can do for me. Do I stop chemo now with the spector of the cancer coming back into my brain and creating more stroke-like symptoms?

This is my soul's gripping journey; not an easy one to be sure. Dr. P said last week (not to minimize other cancers), that another form of cancer would have been easier to tackle.

The small self wants certainty and form. I read a beautiful quote this morning from an amazing book called The Field of Compassion. I highly recommend the book by the way. The quote has to do with living in a non-dualistic state. It's not a quote one can "pin down" but rather one that requires practice and embodiment as a state of awareness that doesn't separate life's experiences into categories of good and bad (i.e. moving toward reconciling seeming opposites). We are all going to face our own endings in this finite world, saying goodbye to loved ones, to so many things and shifting our forms from material to ethereal....... "What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset".   ~ Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator

Anyway, here's the quote I read, and I will end my latest update here.....

"The Unitive sees happiness and unhappiness as part of the necessary, temporary (and endless) fluctuations inherent in the human situation. Instead of seeing life in a dualistic way, where some things are appropriate and desirable while others are inappropriate and undesirable, the Unitive experiences the world as a place where all opposites 'arise together' and 'go together....' The Unitive watches as positive turns to negative and back to positive, endlessly -- and necessarily."

I love you all,

Heidi

The Face of Despair

My Fellow Travelers,

I'm alive.  I made it through the most hellish week of my life, somehow....  It wasn't a dream, but I recall myself in a vast desert with a grey sky above.  There were storm clouds and there was lightning.  I kept calling out "Follow me to the Light.  Follow me to the Light."  Who was I calling to?  I have no recollection.  The lightning was my brain mis-firing due to a mega-dose of chemotherapy into an area of my brain it shouldn't have gone to through a misplaced catheter.  All I remember were the nurses and Peter standing above me in the doctor's office after the injection of the chemo into my brain.  "Did you see that?  She is having some reaction.."   "I'm having a reaction?"  I asked myself.  What are they talking about?  That was Thursday morning around 11:30 a.m.  The next thing I knew it was Saturday morning at 8 a.m. at  the Kaiser hospital.  What had happened in the intervening hours I am only now beginning to piece together.  It was devastating.  My sweet Pete wondered if I'd wake up again and be able to recognize him or have any personality at all.  Friends thought I would die. 

What happened were multiple seizures and a stroke.

This is beginning to sound like either a science fiction novel or a horror movie now, but it happens to be my life.....a life I never thought I'd be living.  I fell into the 2% that this happens to.

So, life showed me a deeper face of despair and complication.   Since Saturday I have not been able to talk to very many people.  I have been able to find my center and even a sense of (slight?) joy in all of this.  Things made sense.....until last week.  Then everything crumbled around me.  I couldn't understand why, with all the prayers, I would fall into that 2%.  But maybe those prayers saved my life.

I do think of people who go through far worse than I.  I am mindful of that.

The Methotrexate into my brain has a HUGE effect on my mood, as do the powerful steriods I've been on (and am now tapering off, thankfully).  Dr. P said they could find no more leukemia cells in my spinal fluid.  So I am in remission again.  But it is a fragile remission according to Western medicine.  Leukemia always comes back, he said, even 90% of the time with a bone marrow transplant which I've decided not to do.  What is ahead, I feel, is more cold energy as a maintenance therapy and a clinic in Ashland, OR called the Mederi Foundation.  They have had some good success with Leukemia.  All I want to do right now is move as far away from the events of last week and into strengthening my immune system and regaining a better quality of life for however long I have.  I have not given up!

I've always been oriented around the question "why" An impossible question. Maybe the better question is "what"?  What am I to learn here?    My spiritual background has been oriented that way:  karma, soul lessons, purpose, meaning.  But in this world of duality, this can be a slippery slope, I'm seeing.  Sometimes we are simply not given to know the whys and wherefores.  There is only acceptance and as much surrender as we can muster.  Someone said recently "99% of life is out of our control."   The 1% is how we face what happens.  I saw a side of myself come out the last few days that I had never seen before.  It was humbling.  I can only feel that this new level is showing me what people feel when they are in complete despair.  I must say, I have not known this level before in my life.  People go through horrendous things.  Perhaps I've needed to feel what the pit of humanity feels.  Who knows?

Right now it feels that I have more impossible decisions ahead:  leave the reservoir in or take the risk of removing it?  That's for starters....and I have to decide very soon.

Your continued loving thoughts and prayers are welcome.

Heidi