Happy Thanksgiving and an Update

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and family, and a huge, HUGE, thank you for all the love and support I've received from each of you these past two years.  Thank you for your messages, your smiles, for standing next to me on this arduous journey.  Even if I haven't heard from you, I have felt your presence like invisible arms supporting me.

Thank you to those who have given donations, and for all the ways we've maintained connection.  Connection, to me, is an energy created when people feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. That I have experienced from you...more than I can ever say.

An update on how things are going for those who are interested:  My last spinal tap came back clear, with no detectable cancer cells.  Hallelujah!   However, during the tap the needle punctured something because I developed leakage of my spinal fluid into the surrounding tissues a few days later.  Also, for the first time since getting these,  I was in excruciating pain for about 7 hours and could barely move!   The symptoms of leakage of the spinal fluid are very much like spinal menigitis, without the high fever:  severe headack (the strongest pain meds, even prescription meds, couldn't alleviate it) and shoulder pain and nausea -- so severe, in fact, that I had to go to the Emergency Room and stay in the hospital for half a day or so.  It was pretty traumatic.  The doctor didn't want to give me the "remedy" for this (an injection  of one's own blood into the spinal fluid known as a "blood patch") because my situation, she said, was "complicated."  So I needed to weather the pain for about 7 days, getting relief mainly from lying down.  Thankfully, the leak healed on its own last Friday and, aside from some pretty strong nausea and fatigue this week, I've been doing relatively well.

The Big Picture is that the Leukemia seems to be in a quiescent state.  I'll be starting the TM protocol from Mederi this next week.  Here's an article from someone at the Linus Pauling Institute in Oregon that explains how powerful this is in the treatment of cancer:  http://lpi.oregonstate.edu/fw08/copper.html    Pretty amazing stuff.  It will take about 4 to 6 months of being on "copper chelation" to get my ceruloplasm levels where they need to be to create anti-angiogenesis and, for this to all take place, the Leukemia cells need to stay quiet.  The TM protocol can, in fact, kill cancer cells...but if there are too many (as in the form of a tumor, which I thankfully don't have), it is not effective in curing all the cancer.  So it is imperative that I maintain this quiescent state.  Toward that end, Mederi wants me to stay on Methotrexate into my spinal column for the next 3 months or so, since the Leukemia is so responsive to it (in a good way).  That prospect is a difficult one for me as my quality of life has been so impacted by the chemo in the last two months.  I've pretty much had it, as they say, and just want to focus on rebuilding my body.  After all, I've been on chemo consistently for two years now.  The prospect of more lumbar punctures is, well, a VERY challenging one, especially after the last one and the spinal fluid leakage!  But this is the path that seems to be laid out before me by life, if I am to have the best chance at curing the Leukemia for good, or at least prolonging my life beyond what chemo can do alone.

That's all on the biological, physical level.  The most important focus for me now is the spiritual level which can also change biology or physical chemistry in various ways through energy, vibration and frequency.  Everything in the Universe is energy -- even cancer!  -- vibrating at different rates.  But we'll leave writing more about this for another update!

I'm reflecting today on all the people who are experiencing Thanksgiving alone, or who have lost their homes or loved ones in the Sandy Hurricane or other disasters. Some of us, I'm sure, have had to spend a holiday alone or have experienced extreme loss. I wish I was physically strong enough during this season to help those less fortunate.  When you go through a life-threatening situation, it sure opens your heart to the plight of others.   Life gives all of us just about as much difficulty as we can withstand.  Honestly, it does feel that at times that it is more  than we can withstand!  But today is a day of GRATITUDE for what is, and what we DO have...    So how do we create and/or seize those moments of joy, happiness, inner peace, in spite of our external journey?   Here's a Rilke poem that brought me deep inspiration this morning.  I hope you will find it inspiring as well on this beautiful Thanksgiving day:

Blessed ones, whole ones,
you where the heart begins
You are the bow that shoots the arrows
and you are the target.

Fear not the pain. Let its weight fall back
into the earth;
for heavy are the mountains, heavy the seas.

The trees you planted in childhood have grown
too heavy. You cannot bring them along.
Give yourselves to the air, to what you cannot hold.

 

 

A blessed Thanksgiving to each of you,

 

 

Heidi

Journey Update -- Accepting What Is

Hi Everyone,

It's been another full week.  So much is happening now, it's hard for me to keep up with it all!  There are, always and ever present, the physical levels of health and all that goes with healing.  There is the mental/emotional and all crooks and crannies needing brightness, faith, new perspectives and empowerment. Then there is the spiritual level -- a deep well with mysteries and beauty always there waiting to be explored and brought to the forefront of consciousness.... A deeply sustaining and enriching field of Grace...

I am quite thoughtful these days.....It is nearing the 6 month mark of my relapse (from my hospitalization in mid-July)  -- going from completely "healed", at least in my own perception of the Leukemia, to "hanging in the dangle."  My last spinal tap on October 25 revealed the presence of some "abnormal cells" for the first time in 6 weeks.  Dr. Polikoff said they are NOT full Blast cells (Leukemia cells) -- thank goodness -- but they did show an inexplicable irregularity of some kind. There really isn't any way to know what this means right now until I get the next results.  They will either become Blast cells or they will not.  I should know in a day or two.

This put me again in that all too familiar place of uncertainty, reminding me that we all have a bigger life beyond this physical plane and that THAT reality is powerful, complete and never-ending. When I can open into my Larger Self -- beyond the confines of the personality-driven small self, with its attachments and sense of gain/loss (duality) -- I can glimpse an expansive empowerment that is truly magnificent.  In all humility, I cannot always sustain that awareness, but even glimpses are transforming.  When going through these past weeks of pain and uncertainty, these moments can be fleeting, but then just a few minutes of true meditation can bring me back there. 

If life is a school, and I believe it is, my particular teacher has perfected the art of tough-love and doesn't allow for any inattention in the classroom these days! I picture him or her as kindly, but someone who will accept no excuses.  Only graduating into true freedom and love are acceptable. There are no cliff notes and attendance each day is mandatory!  A slight lapse of attention to detail or to excellence in this classroom is noticed and there is the Professor, at my side, reminding me that the doors to the outside of this classroom are locked and the test is on, the minutes are ticking away and there is no time to lose...  Seeing this teacher as benevolent has been a practice of late.  The teacher is the cancer -- not something to be feared, but something to learn from.

On a practical note, I had my last spinal tap yesterday, Thursday, and a much better experience with Dr. P. I won't get into the details for why he was nicer and more "humane," but suffice it to say that he received some very clear and honest feedback recently (not from me, but from someone who cares and loves me -- Peter) and I was glad to see him respond so openly.  The results of this spinal tap will be very interesting.   I have a few butterflies swarming around in my stomach. If cancer shows up, I will need to tap deeply into my intuition about the treatment I do -- stop the chemotherapy and begin the cold energy?  Will I be able to afford treatments again, given that the Mederi supplements are over 1k a month and I need ongoing labwork now outside of Kaiser?  So much to consider of late....

The spinal tap yesterday was remarkably easy in itself.  Well, relatively so for a needle going into the spine.  But Dr. P hit a nerve directly for the first time I've been getting these and I was in excruciating pain afterwards for hours.  Couldn't move, even slightly, without pain shooting through my body until about 8 p.m. -- from about 2:30 p.m.  For those of you have been trying to reach me lately by phone, I apologize for not getting back in a timely manner.  With the surgery last week, the tiredness or the pain, it has been one thing after another!  Also, my wonderful brother, Greg, is staying with me for a few days and offering some much needed support on all levels, so I've been spending my energy and waking hours with him, having wonderful talks and getting my house in order, literally. 
.
The anniversary of my diagnosis is coming up next week.  It's been two years (November 13) since I heard those word:  "Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia."   So many days, weeks and months of living in a body that is limp with fatigue. Yet I marvel at all I've been able to do and be, despite all the challenges. My Mederi supplements arrived two days ago and Greg and I spent the better part of the morning yesterday organizing them -- a huge job and an even bigger one taking all of them at regular intervals throughout the day.  There are so many, and they are powerful!   They should help with some much-needed energy and it feels SO GOOD to be back on a really healing protocol.   It's been a couple of months of JUST doing chemo and, while it may have been keeping me in a remission-type state, it has also been tearing my body down. 

At this stage, Leukemia is considered "incurable",  so I am breaking new ground. It is nothing short of a miracle that I am still here. There are really no conventional treatments that can cure it at this point.  I am launching on a "no holds barred" approach and finding some alternative treatments that have some promise, if not for a complete cure, for a good extension of life.   The "doom and gloom" of the traditional understanding of my situation does not account for the way Grace and Divine Intervention work in the Universe, and I've reached a point in my treatment where I am utterly disinterested in the dire perspectives of convential medicine.  Where do they get any of us?  I have played them out pretty fully now.  Just going into Kaiser (I do appreciate all they've done for me!) is more difficult these days.  I need to balance my recent experiences there with the brightness of hope and beauty!

Our three hour talk this week with Dr. Stritter was fantastic and offered some great perspectives. She said that in her experience the people who do best are the ones who combine traditional medicine with alternative and that our spiritual efforts in meditation and raising our frequency are just, if not more important than biological medicine in healing cancer.  My whole focus now is on creating a "hostile environment" for the cancer to survive. The Mederi protocol, and a few other things, are a part of this.  Yes, I can still appreciate the Professor (the cancer) and not be frightened of his sometimes scary demeanor, and at the same time move on to other classes and school itinerary!

I truly believe that the Leukemia came into my life as an incredible teacher with a benevolent desire to bring my authentic divinity into a fuller experience and accessibility . For that to happen, I've had to see patterns connected to my smaller self that need deeper awareness and releasing. But it is not a "pushing away"; it is more of a welcoming of all that is and all that is to be.  When surrendering from my higher self, there is no sense of loss, but a bigger reality and encompassing of the Truth of my being. 

Someone truly wise once said that the False Self is so stubborn, so tenacious that while attending its own funeral, it would still deny its demise!   Life sometimes doesn't give us these "in your face" opportunities to dig as deep as I've had to these last two years and in the "Big Picture" I am grateful for them....at least when my perspective is clear and positive. But the very real human emotions are often there too, reminding me of my need to find and exist more and more in that deep inner well of silence and in the peace "that surpasses all understanding." 

I've been awake this morning since 1 a.m.   Finally dozed off at 4 a.m.  Some meditation, some reading.  I'm absorbing all on can on the subject of welcoming "what is" and was it to come; releasing, surrendering into a larger Reality.  From The Field of Compassion: "What I've noticed is that when I'm focused on letting go, I am usually focused on what I don't want.   If I am focused on not judging, the focus is still on judging.... The image of letting go presupposes attachment...a holding on to something that is keeping me from freely turning to receive that which is emerging.  If, on the other hand, I am guided by "let come,"  I find myself in the witness stance, attentive and open to what is emerging and therefore more able to participate in that which is incomprehensible divine mystery that wants to communicate and awaken me to deeper levels."  This is a practice that requires nurturing on a daily basis!!

Another way of saying this is that we cannot beat the darkness out of a room with a stick. We must bring in the light and then the darkness vanishes "as though it has never been."  Focusing on the positive, not on elminating the negative.....
 
To find peace whatever life brings -- isn't this what we all want deep down?  Peace and acceptance...  At the same time, we must continue to act.  I call upon my warrior self to turn over every stone in terms of treatment.  In this regard, alot is happening on the battlefield.  It's great having all those supplements neatly organized (thanks to Greg) in my kitchen, full of vibrant, life-giving ingredients from Nature's bounty.  There is some objective evidence that they have the ability to kill cancer cells. To do so, they have to be able to cross the blood/brain barrier, which not all supplements (or even chemotherapy) can do.  But most of these supplements are Leukemia-specific and help prevent damage from the prolonged use of chemotherapy.  I am super excited and grateful for this new treatment.....

“For all that has been, Thank you. For all that is to come, Yes!” ― Dag Hammarskjöld

Heartfelt love to you all,

 

Heidi

Keeping it Real....Again

Hello All,

I call it the "hospital shuffle" -- the sound of the nurses shoes up and down the hall outside my hospital room door.  Add to that the various beeps and buzzes (and there are plenty of them) and you have quite a little cacophony of sounds that have become all too familiar.  Yes, what should have been a routine, no-stay-in-the-hospital surgery has turned into a two day event for me.  But why should I be surprised?  Everything, it seems of late, has had an extra layer of complication.

The good news is that there weren't any complications due to the actual surgery, at least none that I know of.  No seizures. No stroke.  However, my blood wouldn't/couldn't oxygenate in the normal way after surgery so they couldn't release me and I needed to stay overnight. That may sound like a very small thing indeed, but we ended up sitting in the Recovery Room for hours on end on Tuesday (until about 9 p.m. I believe)....frustrated that yet again we were at the mercy of hospital regulations and a body that is showing the signs of two years of chemo-breakdown.  So spend the night I did...yet again!   Then, at 2 a.m., I woke up with a whopping sore throat  and temperature hovering close to 102 (101.9). No infection was present, it turns out, but something caused by my lungs not receiving enough oxygen during surgery.

It's now 6:45 a.m. on Thursday and I just found out I will be discharged today -- YEAH -- and have this whole debacle behind me.  I should never have had the Ommaya Reservoir put in in the first place....but then, we can't always know what consequences our logically based decisions will have.....

I know it must sound like a TINY inconvenience -- being in the hospital -- but Peter and I were again so looking forward to one of the small joys of life -- going out to eat after a day of fasting (for my surgery) and the trauma of the surgery itself. But we had to settle for hospital cuisine instead.  It was magnified because of all the small and large setbacks, twists and turns since July 11.  So now what might be "water off a ducks back" feels enormous and probably is a bit out of perspective in the Big Picture.  After all, I HAVE THE RESERVOIR OUT OF MY HEAD NOW!!!!!

OK, so I had one more night in the hospital.  That isn't that bad.  I can wiggle my toes (meaning the brain surgery didn't paralyze me, and that is a MAJOR good thing.)  But then we found out I had to stay another night in the hospital too because of the fever, and our dreams of seeing a good movie and/or eating out were dashed yet again. So we watched soccer on TV instead and I was even too sleepy for that, due to all the pain medication I've been taking.  I found that the pain from this surgery has been about 5 times stronger than the pain when they put the Reservoir into my brain about 5 weeks ago.  I've had to take ALL of their STRONGEST pain medications every few hours just to get by.  Major Ouch!

Last night Soccer kept getting interrupted by the almost constant influx of nurses and other hospital personnel which we've become oh-so-used to in recent weeks. After two years of these grey walls (yes, they are literally grey!) we have become highly sensitized to what appear to be, in the Big Picture, the small insults and injuries of hospital life.  We are just so "done" with this.....so we have to call upon our deepest inner strength, perseverance, and resilency.  Sometimes that's easier than at other times.  Life, at least for now, has set new parameters for me and consequently for Peter and we bump up against these parameters like bars in a prison.  We eventually realize that this won't get us anywhere; only chaffing and bruises on our hands and bodies.  Acceptance, Acceptance, Acceptance.  There alone will we find peace.  Accepting the reality of the present moment and not longing for "what isn't...."  At the same time, we have to allow for our human moments and let the steam out....as well as find some joy in small things.  I think we do pretty darn well with this most of the time.  But in my humble opinion we are way overdue for a little easier ride instead of the bumpy pot-hole ridden ride we've been on for the last several months.

Well, my update this time isn't all "peaches and cream" but it's important that I keep it real too...

Til soon and with love,

Heidi