Today is day 8 in the hospital and a day of double dose chemo, so I'm prepared to bring my mightiest spirit to the day. Laying in my bed this early morning before dawn my mind drifted back to certain themes throughout my life. I saw how much I liked being in the driver's seat, generally -- in charge, in "control", having a sense of my bearings, goals and progressions. I'm sure we all have these tendencies to some degree. They are not necessarily bad. But then there comes an experience that literally strips you down to the roots. In this fertile, vulnerable soil there is only surrender, faith and the ability to chose your attitude. I dare say one doesn't get to really, really know oneself until you are here. What shows up here, when no one is around, when it is 2 a.m. and you can't sleep...well, this is a very raw, honest place.
I've known many people throughout my life who have had catastrophic illness. I would feel compassion, deeply care and at the same time felt relief that I didn't need to wear those moccasins. There's something about this type of illness that strikes a deep chord within and we numb out rather than think about our mortality. This healing journey has me facing all of it. I cling to the powerful thread of regeneration. The body WANTS to heal, given the slightest chance. Our immune system follows our thoughts. There is a blueprint of perfection here. The body is miraculous in its power to heal. The light that shines in each intelligent cell is supreme and utterly above illness.
Yesterday I needed 4 small transfusions of something called cryoprecipitate to help my blood clot my platelet count was dangerously low. Had to have a CAT scan to make sure I wasn't hemorrhaging. The nurse just came in to say that my clotting factor has increased in the night in a very good way!
By the way, the food here is incredible! Their sweet potatoe fries are the most yummy I've ever had! Very good dietician, wonderful nurses, kindness abounds. I am blessed.
Heidi, just signed into the blog account, is it?, and found today's personal account from you. This is a wonderful way to check in on you every day. Of course, it isn't in lieu of visits!!! I love you, precious! ~Beckster
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Heidi, you are held in my thoughts, my prayers and my meditation. I will continue to hold you in the light, and the love throughout your journey.
ReplyDeleteI am sending you love always, Allee
good morning my sweetie...you are an amazing woman and I have no words (I know--this is quite unlike my usual verbose self) to fully convey my respect, my appreciation, and my love for your sweet, tough, miraculously wonderful self...I love reading your penetrating and clarifying thoughts as you proceed on this healing pathway. much much love, Peter
ReplyDeleteI want to try those sweet potato fries!
ReplyDeleteYou distill the experience inside and outside your body, mind, and spirit into such scintillating language. Yes, it must be the ultimate meditative moment to genuinely confront mortality. So amazing to read the gems you unearth. Thanks again for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWell, this is such a strange experience. I joined the blog thinking that I wanted to be one of the friends who are there for you, supporting you along this difficult journey. But then I open the page, and find blessings of wisdom, insight, and faith that you weave into your messages from the hospital bed. We are supposed to be sending blessings your way. But you are sending them out to us.
ReplyDeleteYou are so beautiful, Heidi.
A Big Sunday Morning Hug to You.
David