Hi sweet ones, Today is day #11, and another chemo day. Also, my two brothers leave today to go back to their own families. It is bitter sweet for me for we have been scattered across the country for so long and unable to spend quality time together like this is in so many years. They are eager, conscientious, funny, caring and completely there for me. We will go back to keeping in touch by phone and skype.
These last few days have been different. The pain is more intense (One of the oncologist told me "Heidi, the greater the pain, the more the chemo is working, which is a very good thing.") We had a bit of a scare last night when my temperature was over 100. Right now I have absolutely zilche ability to fight off infection and it can grow very rapidly in my body with nothing to keep it in check except the antibiotics, etc.. It's extremely serious. I have yet to meet with the doctor this morning, but after a good sleep, the nurse came in this morning and I was 98.6. Still feel achy like the flu, but (fingers crossed) I was able to somehow miraculously throw off a brewing infection in the night -- due to lots of light being sent my way. I'll know more about this when the doctor comes to visit soon.
These last few days things have definitely shifted for me. The longer I'm here and not feeling well, the harder I have to work at keeping positive. We have no idea if the treatment is working (at this stage it's too early to tell), and won't until the 4th week and the next (drum roll.......) bone marrow biopsy. That SHOULD show I'm in remission and a very deep cause for celebration!
I spoke with a good healer/friend yesterday and he told me his take on Leukemia: "It is a disease of sadness, as is AIDS." Regardless of how I feel about that at the moment, I do know enough about the body/mind to know that any disease in the pervasive, life-giving blood must have some deep significance. Lots to reflect on.
Today I'm excited about doing some sketching, listening to some wonderful inspirational material my sweet boyfriend, Peter brought, and keeping the sacred domain of my consciousness lit up like a newborn sun in the early morning. One of the most beautiful images for me has been how the early morning sun reflects on tiny dew drops...if you get really close you can see an opalescent universe, resplendent with mystery and profound beauty....
Love to you, Heidi
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Hi sweet friends and well-wishers,
Had a little set back last night. Some of you know that I have another condition called Atrial Fibrillation. I knew it might come up while in this month long hospital stay and it did, last night. They needed to move me to another floor where they could monitor my heart more closely. It took 6 hours from the time it started to the time the doctor finally came to check me out. They were short handed last night with the holiday weekend. By the time this angelic doctor came by, put her hands on my neck very tenderly while giving me reassurance, I felt myself relax. They moved me up to the telemtry floor where the nurses were much more attentive. Have had my two brothers here all day (first time we've been all been together in 10 years!). So heartwarming. I will be sad when they live.
In a hospital one really needs to be one's own advocate. They were so focused on the leukemia yesterday, they let my electrolytes drop, which affect the heart and can activate Atrial Fibrillation. These two problem complicate each other in a way. I feel my conversations with the doctors today were very productive and we are back on track.
Tomorrow is another, lighter chemo day. More and more I feel like I'm in a little healing cocoon. Sleep as much as possible, try to manage the increasing pain, and am amazed at all the support at the hospital and with family and friends. Met with the social worker today about maybe getting a discount for my hospital stay. Would be wonderful!
Will be taking a walk soon with my two bros and Peter..... Beautiful sunset, now almost gone. Tomorrow I will reflect more deeply on what I feel is the inner cause of leukemia, genenerally, based on a deep conversation with a friend today. I love you all!
Heidi
Had a little set back last night. Some of you know that I have another condition called Atrial Fibrillation. I knew it might come up while in this month long hospital stay and it did, last night. They needed to move me to another floor where they could monitor my heart more closely. It took 6 hours from the time it started to the time the doctor finally came to check me out. They were short handed last night with the holiday weekend. By the time this angelic doctor came by, put her hands on my neck very tenderly while giving me reassurance, I felt myself relax. They moved me up to the telemtry floor where the nurses were much more attentive. Have had my two brothers here all day (first time we've been all been together in 10 years!). So heartwarming. I will be sad when they live.
In a hospital one really needs to be one's own advocate. They were so focused on the leukemia yesterday, they let my electrolytes drop, which affect the heart and can activate Atrial Fibrillation. These two problem complicate each other in a way. I feel my conversations with the doctors today were very productive and we are back on track.
Tomorrow is another, lighter chemo day. More and more I feel like I'm in a little healing cocoon. Sleep as much as possible, try to manage the increasing pain, and am amazed at all the support at the hospital and with family and friends. Met with the social worker today about maybe getting a discount for my hospital stay. Would be wonderful!
Will be taking a walk soon with my two bros and Peter..... Beautiful sunset, now almost gone. Tomorrow I will reflect more deeply on what I feel is the inner cause of leukemia, genenerally, based on a deep conversation with a friend today. I love you all!
Heidi
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Hello Everyone,
A night like last night was bound to happen. Two types of chemo, as much as I visualize them as the elixir of the gods, is still chemo! The pain and nausea got away from me and it took most of the night to turn it around. By 4 a.m. I went into a deep, painless sleep (God bless pain killers!) and opened my eyes to the first glint of golden clouds around 7 a.m. The nurses tell me I am fortunate to have this view. Other rooms here look out at the hospital building. Very desultory!
My platelet count was under 10,000 so they needed to begin with a transfusion right away. Bleeding can start around that number. I was at 9K this a.m. Very good exercise of faith to be laying in the bed, with a bad headache, waiting for the platelets to arrive and wondering if bleeding is occuring. It is absolutely amazing to feel so at the mercy of life and to entrust myself into Its loving arms. What else can I do? Perhaps one day I will be able to look back on this experience and count myself as extremely fortunate to have had my inner mettle tested (and hopefully strengthened) through an ordeal like this. The treatment for Leukemia is particularly arduous, according to the oncologist. Their aim is to completely wipe out all bone marrow...and then, in the 4th week, rebuild it. If all goes well, I would be in remission at that point. Then follows a two year chemo program, chemo injections into my spine, etc. etc. Believe it or not, I'm looking forward to being out of the hospital and into that phase!
I am blessed to have such positive energy around me and to know people with true healing gifts. This experience, however, is ultimately a solo one. While I can hold the hands of my loved ones and open to their healing, it is the inner healer, the inner hero in me, that is my greatest ally.
Well, enough about illness!!!!! The golden clouds have given way to a deep blue sky. I long to breathe in the prana....
A night like last night was bound to happen. Two types of chemo, as much as I visualize them as the elixir of the gods, is still chemo! The pain and nausea got away from me and it took most of the night to turn it around. By 4 a.m. I went into a deep, painless sleep (God bless pain killers!) and opened my eyes to the first glint of golden clouds around 7 a.m. The nurses tell me I am fortunate to have this view. Other rooms here look out at the hospital building. Very desultory!
My platelet count was under 10,000 so they needed to begin with a transfusion right away. Bleeding can start around that number. I was at 9K this a.m. Very good exercise of faith to be laying in the bed, with a bad headache, waiting for the platelets to arrive and wondering if bleeding is occuring. It is absolutely amazing to feel so at the mercy of life and to entrust myself into Its loving arms. What else can I do? Perhaps one day I will be able to look back on this experience and count myself as extremely fortunate to have had my inner mettle tested (and hopefully strengthened) through an ordeal like this. The treatment for Leukemia is particularly arduous, according to the oncologist. Their aim is to completely wipe out all bone marrow...and then, in the 4th week, rebuild it. If all goes well, I would be in remission at that point. Then follows a two year chemo program, chemo injections into my spine, etc. etc. Believe it or not, I'm looking forward to being out of the hospital and into that phase!
I am blessed to have such positive energy around me and to know people with true healing gifts. This experience, however, is ultimately a solo one. While I can hold the hands of my loved ones and open to their healing, it is the inner healer, the inner hero in me, that is my greatest ally.
Well, enough about illness!!!!! The golden clouds have given way to a deep blue sky. I long to breathe in the prana....
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Saturday Morning, November 27 -- Chemo Day
Today is day 8 in the hospital and a day of double dose chemo, so I'm prepared to bring my mightiest spirit to the day. Laying in my bed this early morning before dawn my mind drifted back to certain themes throughout my life. I saw how much I liked being in the driver's seat, generally -- in charge, in "control", having a sense of my bearings, goals and progressions. I'm sure we all have these tendencies to some degree. They are not necessarily bad. But then there comes an experience that literally strips you down to the roots. In this fertile, vulnerable soil there is only surrender, faith and the ability to chose your attitude. I dare say one doesn't get to really, really know oneself until you are here. What shows up here, when no one is around, when it is 2 a.m. and you can't sleep...well, this is a very raw, honest place.
I've known many people throughout my life who have had catastrophic illness. I would feel compassion, deeply care and at the same time felt relief that I didn't need to wear those moccasins. There's something about this type of illness that strikes a deep chord within and we numb out rather than think about our mortality. This healing journey has me facing all of it. I cling to the powerful thread of regeneration. The body WANTS to heal, given the slightest chance. Our immune system follows our thoughts. There is a blueprint of perfection here. The body is miraculous in its power to heal. The light that shines in each intelligent cell is supreme and utterly above illness.
Yesterday I needed 4 small transfusions of something called cryoprecipitate to help my blood clot my platelet count was dangerously low. Had to have a CAT scan to make sure I wasn't hemorrhaging. The nurse just came in to say that my clotting factor has increased in the night in a very good way!
By the way, the food here is incredible! Their sweet potatoe fries are the most yummy I've ever had! Very good dietician, wonderful nurses, kindness abounds. I am blessed.
I've known many people throughout my life who have had catastrophic illness. I would feel compassion, deeply care and at the same time felt relief that I didn't need to wear those moccasins. There's something about this type of illness that strikes a deep chord within and we numb out rather than think about our mortality. This healing journey has me facing all of it. I cling to the powerful thread of regeneration. The body WANTS to heal, given the slightest chance. Our immune system follows our thoughts. There is a blueprint of perfection here. The body is miraculous in its power to heal. The light that shines in each intelligent cell is supreme and utterly above illness.
Yesterday I needed 4 small transfusions of something called cryoprecipitate to help my blood clot my platelet count was dangerously low. Had to have a CAT scan to make sure I wasn't hemorrhaging. The nurse just came in to say that my clotting factor has increased in the night in a very good way!
By the way, the food here is incredible! Their sweet potatoe fries are the most yummy I've ever had! Very good dietician, wonderful nurses, kindness abounds. I am blessed.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday, November 26 -- One week in the hospital!
Dear Family and Friends, This is my first post! Couldn't sleep and was eager to begin connecting with all of you. For those of you who don't know, I got some great news the day before yesterday:
1) I do not have the Philadelphia Chromosome, which many people with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia have and which makes the disease more difficult to cure over the long term. I consider it one of many more miracles to come on the road to recovery.
2) My oncologist told me that I responded extremely well to the first chemo treatments earlier in the week which brought my White Blood Count down to zero with RECORD speed -- a day! Often it takes 4 or 5.
I attribute all this to my welcoming attitude. From the beginning I have been welcoming everything about this cancer journey. When the chemo comes, I open to it, see the Divine in it, and instruct my cells (healthy and unhealthy alike) to drink it in fully. I lay in my bed visualizing the beautiful verdent green regenerative life force always at the ready to begin the rebuilding process when it is time. I do have my moments of difficulty....but by and large I try quickly to turn them around when I catch myself worrying or fearful. I am surrounded by my most beautiful, valiant and loving family and friends. They are pulling me through!
First week is now behind me. This next week, I believe, will include saying goodbye to my hair. I cut it off to shoulder length yesterday and was surprised how unattached I was. I'll probably trim it more in a day or two.
Whenever the "Why" question enters my consciousness (Why me?, Why now?) well, I just throw it out. Does me no good. Someday I hope to understand the deeper lessons of this journey. For now, am focused only on healing, love and everything positive -- to the best of my ability! Marshalling all my resources toward that goal!
Love to all of you!
1) I do not have the Philadelphia Chromosome, which many people with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia have and which makes the disease more difficult to cure over the long term. I consider it one of many more miracles to come on the road to recovery.
2) My oncologist told me that I responded extremely well to the first chemo treatments earlier in the week which brought my White Blood Count down to zero with RECORD speed -- a day! Often it takes 4 or 5.
I attribute all this to my welcoming attitude. From the beginning I have been welcoming everything about this cancer journey. When the chemo comes, I open to it, see the Divine in it, and instruct my cells (healthy and unhealthy alike) to drink it in fully. I lay in my bed visualizing the beautiful verdent green regenerative life force always at the ready to begin the rebuilding process when it is time. I do have my moments of difficulty....but by and large I try quickly to turn them around when I catch myself worrying or fearful. I am surrounded by my most beautiful, valiant and loving family and friends. They are pulling me through!
First week is now behind me. This next week, I believe, will include saying goodbye to my hair. I cut it off to shoulder length yesterday and was surprised how unattached I was. I'll probably trim it more in a day or two.
Whenever the "Why" question enters my consciousness (Why me?, Why now?) well, I just throw it out. Does me no good. Someday I hope to understand the deeper lessons of this journey. For now, am focused only on healing, love and everything positive -- to the best of my ability! Marshalling all my resources toward that goal!
Love to all of you!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
This is my first post!!!!
My lil bro created this first post for me. It is not the most interesting one!
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