HOME FOR AWHILE

Dear friends and family,

This post will have a little more thoughtful tone.  It felt comforting to walk through the door of my house and be greeted by what has been my life for the last 10 years.  My art hangs on the walls...memories of art shows gone by and more art to come.  The silence in the house is palpable after the constant noise of the hospital....

Being alone at the moment, and feeling somewhat "outside of time" has caused me to reflect on many chapters of my life -- most notably my many years in the SRF ashram, and the years that followed.  I believe that life has a way of bringing us to deeper levels of insight.  This illness took me abruptly out of my "doer" mode and into a "being" mode where there is only my inner resources and the vast spiritual dimensions available to me.  My dear friends and family are a part of that dimension, for I feel Spirit expresses through everyone in my midst -- friend and stranger a like.  We are intricately connected.  I have experienced this more than ever in the two months I've been hospitalized.

I know it's been said before, but there is nothing quite like a catastrophic illness to point the heart, intention and deepest reflection toward what really matters in life.  I found myself grieving a bit this morning for the loss of friends in the past, abrupt endings of relationships, etc.  Part of "getting well", I feel, is being able to face (not resist) all aspects of life's experiences, past and present, and gently coming to peace.  As mentioned above, I went from doing to being in just a few days.  For those of you who know me well, you will know that I have always had more than one project going on:  art, work, editing, etc, etc.  Not having the strength (or even the mental focus at times) has put me into a completely different zone for these last 2 months.  I can see that it is by divine design, for it has brought me to the edge of being...and in the end, what else truly matters? 

I've quoted this before, but will do so again now:  "To everything that has happened up til now, thanks.  To everything that will come in the future, yes."  This quote gives me daily courage to continue saying yes to all the aspects (expected and unexpected) of this healing journey.

The spinal chemo had just a few moments of all out pain, but once the needle got into place, all was well.  Peter came and rubbed my shoulders during the procedure.  Soooo comforting.  My next course of treatment will include several more lumbar punctures and spinal chemos. Now that I know what to expect, perhaps I'll relax into it more????....

I will find out on Friday when I go back into the hospital.  Hopefully I will get one more week at home before another gruelling 3 week stay in the hosp.  After that I will be half way through!

All my love to each of you.

Heidi