To Smile Again....

My dear ones,

Today I met with the neuro-surgeon who will perform surgery to implant a port in my brain that will administer the chemotherapy directly to that region.  The reason I've decided to go this route -- at least for now -- is because my oncologist said the chemo will be more effective with less side effects as opposed to being administered to my spine. However, there are risks associated with the surgery, obviously, but very low --2 % or so.  Accidentally cutting a blood vein, developing brain swelling, etc.  I also have very small ventricular area, where they implant the port.  The other way of looking at this is I have a very FULL brain!  Anyway, he thought this wouldn't be a problem.

Probably the most discouraging news I got from him today, and which I'm trying with everything in me to stay positive about -- is that this nerve is extremely fragile (like tissue paper) and often doesn't regenerate.  It controls my ability to smile, eat, talk -- my basic ability to express my Heidi-ness through my face.  I can't imagine going through the rest of my life like this.  But I also know that there is a whole dimension of finer forces at work, and there is grace, and prayer, and Light and miracles.  The surgeon, a very nice man, said today that many of the people who pass through his office would like to be where I am at -- their symptoms are so much worse.  For this I am grateful.  I am grateful for the extraordinary healing resources I have available to me as well.  I believe we are living in a huge, dynamic field of grace where anything is possible.  I visualize  the nerve regenerating all the time and know that my thoughts, feelings and intentions are having an effect.  Peter told me today that my face has just a little bit more of a smile than yesterday.  Please, my dear friends and family, see me in your mind's eye, smiling brightly.  Your own positive thoughts and intentions will cross through the morphologic field we live in to do wonders on my behalf.  Of that I am sure.

While my external expression is not what it was before -- at least for now -- I have more inner clarity about love, compassion, healing, purpose and potential than at any other time in my life.  It's one of those ironies. This experience is taking me very deep into my inner cave of reflection and connection with Spirit, perhaps as nothing else could.

I love you all and I so deeply appreciate your powerful and tender care on my behalf. 

Heidi