Woke up this morning feeling such a deep and abiding sense of well-being in my body. As I lay in bed, I let my thoughts and feelings travel to the Source of this powerful, yet gentle energy. It was as if my body was joining in the celebration of spring and new growth. I could feel it "humming", like a fine-tuned instrument. I have not yet had an experience like this since starting out my journey with Leukemia....especially in the days following a chemo treatment. Though my blood counts are going down, which is expected, I could feel another "force" beyond chemicals and the finite material of the body. It was that force I could sense this morning and I allowed myself a full hour or more to tune into it, affirm it and celebrate it...
It was so powerful and comforting....a message, perhaps, that all is well. A message of new life and new cycles.
The A-Fib was a blessing in disguise as it brought me to another floor and a room with a stunning view of sky and clouds. What a difference it makes to look into the vastness of nature, especially when She is all decked out in her finest spring wardrobe. Today I'll go back to the oncology wing reinforced and renewed in a way I hadn't expected.
Today is day #7 after my initial chemo this past Monday. It's typically the day when nausea and other side effects begin to kick in. What an amazing surprise to be greeted by this beautiful life force energy this morning....
I will be getting a hemaglobin transfusion today which will give me a boost of energy. And I just asked the doctor if I could have a "day pass" out of the hospital tomorrow (Sunday) if all looks well in the morning....yes, this would be fine, he said. Peter and I will take a drive up some mountain top and throw snowballs at each other. I'll try to take some pictures to post here....
Love to all,
Heidi
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
A-Fib and a Trip to the 3rd Floor
Hi dear ones,
Well, A-Fib was bound to catch up with me sooner or later here at the hospital, and it did last night. I'm not sure I reported prior to this, but my last time out of the hospital I had numerous episodes and was in the ER a couple of times. The more often it comes, it sets up a pattern of coming more often: "A-Fib begets A-Fib" the doctors have told me. Having this ON TOP of Leukemia has been a real challenge since the A-Fib is extremely depleting (as is the Leukemia).
But I seemed to take it all pretty much in stride. Peter stayed til nearly 12:30 a.m. to make sure I got transferred to the heart floor OK, which happened around 1 a.m. I must say, this floor is very nice. My room overlooks a beautiful pine tree and the very green, rain-soaked hills facing west toward the ocean. I'm told by the nurses that the sunsets are spectacular from this Wing. I actually hope I can stay up here for awhile.
They gave me a calcium blocker last night and within 30 mins. I had converted back to sinus (normal heart beat). I was in A-Fib for just about 5-6 hours, unlike the other recent times when it stretched out to 17 and 24 hours! I am so looking forward to the surgery called Ablation that they use to fix this problem when I am stronger...perhaps by this summer. The very week I decided to go ahead with the surgery is the week I found out about the Leukemia, so it all had to get put on the back burner.
It is a rush against time, however.... the more often it occurs, the more likely it will become chronic (in A-Fib all the time) and the less effective the surgery. I do my best to surrender all of this from the depths of me. There is simply nothing else I can do, and it brings me some peace.
I've made it through just about a week...with two more to go.
Sending love to all of you!
Heidi
Well, A-Fib was bound to catch up with me sooner or later here at the hospital, and it did last night. I'm not sure I reported prior to this, but my last time out of the hospital I had numerous episodes and was in the ER a couple of times. The more often it comes, it sets up a pattern of coming more often: "A-Fib begets A-Fib" the doctors have told me. Having this ON TOP of Leukemia has been a real challenge since the A-Fib is extremely depleting (as is the Leukemia).
But I seemed to take it all pretty much in stride. Peter stayed til nearly 12:30 a.m. to make sure I got transferred to the heart floor OK, which happened around 1 a.m. I must say, this floor is very nice. My room overlooks a beautiful pine tree and the very green, rain-soaked hills facing west toward the ocean. I'm told by the nurses that the sunsets are spectacular from this Wing. I actually hope I can stay up here for awhile.
They gave me a calcium blocker last night and within 30 mins. I had converted back to sinus (normal heart beat). I was in A-Fib for just about 5-6 hours, unlike the other recent times when it stretched out to 17 and 24 hours! I am so looking forward to the surgery called Ablation that they use to fix this problem when I am stronger...perhaps by this summer. The very week I decided to go ahead with the surgery is the week I found out about the Leukemia, so it all had to get put on the back burner.
It is a rush against time, however.... the more often it occurs, the more likely it will become chronic (in A-Fib all the time) and the less effective the surgery. I do my best to surrender all of this from the depths of me. There is simply nothing else I can do, and it brings me some peace.
I've made it through just about a week...with two more to go.
Sending love to all of you!
Heidi
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Getting Through the Week....
Hi Everyone,
This week has had its ups and downs...but I'm getting through. The lumbar pucture was one of those things out of a movie -- took the doc so very long to get the needle in once again. It felt like about 30 mins of poking. But I was in a chipper mood that morning, and Peter was here cajoling me and reminding me to relax. The doctor said later he couldn't have done it if I had been anxious or reactive. So the methatrexate got into my spine and brain once again and I was glad to have that BEHIND me!
With this one treatment on Tuesday, I had another strange reaction where I became mentally confused. Dr. Liao told me today that this is one of the major side effects of this chemo. It's hard to explain how it feels when you cannot piece things together logically that took place just a few hours previously. I took a nap after lunch and woke up at 4 p.m. utterly convinced I had slept through the night and it was now way into the next day. I couldn't remember anything that had taken place that morning. I called my nurse and she helped me recall a few memories of the morning and said that she recalled the last time I was on methatrexate and this was a familiar response to it for me. I finally remembered Peter that morning and was able to put perspective around what happened, but it took nearly 3 hours to come back to my center.
The next and last treatment is ONLY methatrexate so I must think long and deeply about it and have a thorough discussion with the oncologist. Mirabai visited today and was here when Dr. Liao came into the room. She asked, "Do people die from Methatrexate and without skipping a beat he said "YES." But there is so much to consider. With the treatment, if you get through it, that is, studies have shown people have the best chance of a complete cure. But getting through it is a doozie, believe me. It seems to take over the neuron pathways, mix them up and gradually over time they begin to sort out. While you're going through it, there is much darkness.
So I have a few weeks more til I have to make that decision.
It was nice seeing Mirabai after almost six months. I had not seen her since before my illness. We had a lot of catching up to do and lots of love was shared.
I've been administered the last chemo for this time -- 3 straight days of it. I can feel it in my body, saturating the tissues and cells it needs to get. This particular chemo takes a month to work out of your system.
The doctor asked if I'd like to go home this weekend and recuperate there. But I opted on staying in the hospital for a while longer so I can see how I feel once chemo really starts to take effect, which is about 7-12 days into the treatment. They have better medications here to handle the side effects...
Well, that's enough of that! The San Diego skies are getting ready to rumble again, the wind is picking up and the air cooling down. It's brisk and beautiful outside, with such lovely colors of flowers lining the freeways and hills. So much is going on in our home we call Earth right now....As I sit here I try to send light out to all who are in far greater need than I. As the doctor was leaving today, he said: "Remember, you are cancer free." (Referring to my complete remission). I'm here this time because it is the protocol to repeat the treatment in order to get every last cell that might be left.
Love and Hugs to all of you who are sharing my journey.
Heidi
This week has had its ups and downs...but I'm getting through. The lumbar pucture was one of those things out of a movie -- took the doc so very long to get the needle in once again. It felt like about 30 mins of poking. But I was in a chipper mood that morning, and Peter was here cajoling me and reminding me to relax. The doctor said later he couldn't have done it if I had been anxious or reactive. So the methatrexate got into my spine and brain once again and I was glad to have that BEHIND me!
With this one treatment on Tuesday, I had another strange reaction where I became mentally confused. Dr. Liao told me today that this is one of the major side effects of this chemo. It's hard to explain how it feels when you cannot piece things together logically that took place just a few hours previously. I took a nap after lunch and woke up at 4 p.m. utterly convinced I had slept through the night and it was now way into the next day. I couldn't remember anything that had taken place that morning. I called my nurse and she helped me recall a few memories of the morning and said that she recalled the last time I was on methatrexate and this was a familiar response to it for me. I finally remembered Peter that morning and was able to put perspective around what happened, but it took nearly 3 hours to come back to my center.
The next and last treatment is ONLY methatrexate so I must think long and deeply about it and have a thorough discussion with the oncologist. Mirabai visited today and was here when Dr. Liao came into the room. She asked, "Do people die from Methatrexate and without skipping a beat he said "YES." But there is so much to consider. With the treatment, if you get through it, that is, studies have shown people have the best chance of a complete cure. But getting through it is a doozie, believe me. It seems to take over the neuron pathways, mix them up and gradually over time they begin to sort out. While you're going through it, there is much darkness.
So I have a few weeks more til I have to make that decision.
It was nice seeing Mirabai after almost six months. I had not seen her since before my illness. We had a lot of catching up to do and lots of love was shared.
I've been administered the last chemo for this time -- 3 straight days of it. I can feel it in my body, saturating the tissues and cells it needs to get. This particular chemo takes a month to work out of your system.
The doctor asked if I'd like to go home this weekend and recuperate there. But I opted on staying in the hospital for a while longer so I can see how I feel once chemo really starts to take effect, which is about 7-12 days into the treatment. They have better medications here to handle the side effects...
Well, that's enough of that! The San Diego skies are getting ready to rumble again, the wind is picking up and the air cooling down. It's brisk and beautiful outside, with such lovely colors of flowers lining the freeways and hills. So much is going on in our home we call Earth right now....As I sit here I try to send light out to all who are in far greater need than I. As the doctor was leaving today, he said: "Remember, you are cancer free." (Referring to my complete remission). I'm here this time because it is the protocol to repeat the treatment in order to get every last cell that might be left.
Love and Hugs to all of you who are sharing my journey.
Heidi
Monday, April 4, 2011
Back Again.....
Dear friends and family,
It's April 4th, a day after a wonderful birthday weekend, full of laughter, loving, delicious food (had my appetite back in full force!), and gorgeous spring-like weather. Today I was re-admitted to my "home away from home" these past 5 months -- the hospital -- for my 5th 3+ week chemo treatment.
It was a difficult drive here this morning as I tried to muster up my warrior spirit yet again, and to open to and not resist the experiences that await me. Memories of my previous visits came rushing into mental view, with the associated feelings and reflections. For some curious reason, I felt more anxious coming this time. As I sit here in these very familiar surroundings, I am affirming that the hospital, nurses, doctors and chemo are my allies, intended to heal and support me. I have a deep conviction that this is where I need to be. It's one of those inexplicable mysteries that I find myself here....and I reflect often on how destiny and choice intertwine to set us on our life's path, even though we cannot fathom it all on a conscious level.
I'm now on the homestretch.... This will probably be my last full treatment. The next and final treatment will be modified to a degree, and I hope it will be a shorter time in the hospital. My body/mind/spirit had such a hard time with that particular chemo treatment, I don't feel I could tolerate it again in the same dose as before. Today I get another lumbar puncture and Peter will be here to support me through it. I'm receiving chemo 4 days in a row this time (different types) and will remain here til I recuperate -- probably about 3 weeks total.
It's amazing to think ahead just a bit to mid-May and FREEDOM from these 4 walls I've come to know so well. It will feel so liberating to have my life back, and to feel my energy come back. I've spent a good 90% of the last 5 months in bed, and my muscles will need some major workouts to regain their strength. My sense is that this will take a few months, but what a great time I'll have waxing in energy and vigor instead of waning!
Thank you so very much for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I feel your love
and support very deeply.....
With gratitude for your friendship,
Heidi
It's April 4th, a day after a wonderful birthday weekend, full of laughter, loving, delicious food (had my appetite back in full force!), and gorgeous spring-like weather. Today I was re-admitted to my "home away from home" these past 5 months -- the hospital -- for my 5th 3+ week chemo treatment.
It was a difficult drive here this morning as I tried to muster up my warrior spirit yet again, and to open to and not resist the experiences that await me. Memories of my previous visits came rushing into mental view, with the associated feelings and reflections. For some curious reason, I felt more anxious coming this time. As I sit here in these very familiar surroundings, I am affirming that the hospital, nurses, doctors and chemo are my allies, intended to heal and support me. I have a deep conviction that this is where I need to be. It's one of those inexplicable mysteries that I find myself here....and I reflect often on how destiny and choice intertwine to set us on our life's path, even though we cannot fathom it all on a conscious level.
I'm now on the homestretch.... This will probably be my last full treatment. The next and final treatment will be modified to a degree, and I hope it will be a shorter time in the hospital. My body/mind/spirit had such a hard time with that particular chemo treatment, I don't feel I could tolerate it again in the same dose as before. Today I get another lumbar puncture and Peter will be here to support me through it. I'm receiving chemo 4 days in a row this time (different types) and will remain here til I recuperate -- probably about 3 weeks total.
It's amazing to think ahead just a bit to mid-May and FREEDOM from these 4 walls I've come to know so well. It will feel so liberating to have my life back, and to feel my energy come back. I've spent a good 90% of the last 5 months in bed, and my muscles will need some major workouts to regain their strength. My sense is that this will take a few months, but what a great time I'll have waxing in energy and vigor instead of waning!
Thank you so very much for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I feel your love
and support very deeply.....
With gratitude for your friendship,
Heidi
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Hi Everyone...
Had quite a difficult week at home this week and ended up going to the ER in the afternoon yesterday (Friday). Turns out I have an infection and, due to my intense nausea, was dehydrated (unable to drink or eat). There were other problems too. Glad to report that after being evaluated and given antiobiotics, saline IV and new anti-nausea medication, I left the hospital feeling sooooo much better. Amazing what a little relief from pain and discomfort will do!
Staying over at Peter's this weekend. We decided to go on a "Pleasure Hunt" today -- doing whatever feels good, nurturing and beautiful. We may take a drive to the Tijuana Estuary which may be in full bloom -- it's a mind-blowing sight if any of you haven't seen it. Just gorgeous. My appetite is (FINALLY) better and I'm looking forward to seeking out some delectible treats today.
May be going back into hospital Monday for my 5th round of chemo. Now I am really on the home stretch. That said, each chemo seems to take more out of me and it's harder to feel my strength and lifeforce come back, only to get it knocked down again. This week I couldn't walk for more than 5-10 steps without collapsing. All I could do was sleep. Will see the doctor Monday a.m. and if he deems I am "chemo ready" (strong enough), I will get admitted that day for another 3 weeks of treatment. After that is done, we face a decision about doing the last chemo treatment which was so very hard on me. I know I won't be able to do it at the same dose or the same length. But then THE HOSPITAL PART OF THE TREATMENT IS OVER!!!!!!!
That should be some time in May/June and I'm planning a big outdoor picnic/potluck to celebrate having made it through the most difficult 1/2 year of my life. Maybe we'll get a firepit on the beach in North County. Stay tuned because ALL of you are invited.
Peter reminded me this morning of the simplest, yet most profound, way to continue this healing journey I'm on: "Give yourself over to Source." May the essence of these words give us strength and comfort, whatever journey we are on...
All my Love,
Heidi
Had quite a difficult week at home this week and ended up going to the ER in the afternoon yesterday (Friday). Turns out I have an infection and, due to my intense nausea, was dehydrated (unable to drink or eat). There were other problems too. Glad to report that after being evaluated and given antiobiotics, saline IV and new anti-nausea medication, I left the hospital feeling sooooo much better. Amazing what a little relief from pain and discomfort will do!
Staying over at Peter's this weekend. We decided to go on a "Pleasure Hunt" today -- doing whatever feels good, nurturing and beautiful. We may take a drive to the Tijuana Estuary which may be in full bloom -- it's a mind-blowing sight if any of you haven't seen it. Just gorgeous. My appetite is (FINALLY) better and I'm looking forward to seeking out some delectible treats today.
May be going back into hospital Monday for my 5th round of chemo. Now I am really on the home stretch. That said, each chemo seems to take more out of me and it's harder to feel my strength and lifeforce come back, only to get it knocked down again. This week I couldn't walk for more than 5-10 steps without collapsing. All I could do was sleep. Will see the doctor Monday a.m. and if he deems I am "chemo ready" (strong enough), I will get admitted that day for another 3 weeks of treatment. After that is done, we face a decision about doing the last chemo treatment which was so very hard on me. I know I won't be able to do it at the same dose or the same length. But then THE HOSPITAL PART OF THE TREATMENT IS OVER!!!!!!!
That should be some time in May/June and I'm planning a big outdoor picnic/potluck to celebrate having made it through the most difficult 1/2 year of my life. Maybe we'll get a firepit on the beach in North County. Stay tuned because ALL of you are invited.
Peter reminded me this morning of the simplest, yet most profound, way to continue this healing journey I'm on: "Give yourself over to Source." May the essence of these words give us strength and comfort, whatever journey we are on...
All my Love,
Heidi
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Hi Everyone,
I made it through the last chemo round fairly well and am now home for a couple of weeks. This time I went back to the hospital fortified with better food (from friends), lots of positive CD's and books and an attitude of yielding (opening) to the experience, rather than bracing up against it. I'm on the home stretch now with just two more rounds to go. It is absolutely the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.... times 10....but I'm sure the difficulty does some transformational work on the inner plane -- some I can see and feel and some I can't at this moment.
After about 2 weeks in the hospital, the mind feels like checking out and going into whatever will pass the time most quickly. I found myself not listening to the CD's quite as much, not reading as much. It REALLY helps to keep the positive input flowing. Peter is a tremendous supporter of that and reminds me regularly not to slump into the oblivion of chemo-induced blahs...
Yesterday they decided to give me my last dose of chemo in their outpatient department and send me home after that. This is the first time I'll be dealing with the side effects without the 24 hour support of the hospital staff. It's just for this one time. I think they realized that these long stays in the hospital can be pretty dreary, so they are trying an experiment and hope it goes well! (So do I!)
The outpatient clinic at Kaiser was full of love and joy. It suprised Peter and me. They were celebrating a patient who had completed his chemo -- all the doctors and nurses came out, they had refreshments and a little ritual of ringing a gong. The caring among the staff and patients was palpable. It was heartening to witness.
On the food front, I'm still LOVING my pickle and avocado sandwiches. It's strange, but deserts by and large don't tempt me at all. I can eat 3 sandwiches a day and I'm still losing weight. Haven't weighed this little since I was in my early 30's.
I pray for the strength and patience to get through the next two months of inpatient chemo and on to better and better days!
My love to everyone,
Heidi
I made it through the last chemo round fairly well and am now home for a couple of weeks. This time I went back to the hospital fortified with better food (from friends), lots of positive CD's and books and an attitude of yielding (opening) to the experience, rather than bracing up against it. I'm on the home stretch now with just two more rounds to go. It is absolutely the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.... times 10....but I'm sure the difficulty does some transformational work on the inner plane -- some I can see and feel and some I can't at this moment.
After about 2 weeks in the hospital, the mind feels like checking out and going into whatever will pass the time most quickly. I found myself not listening to the CD's quite as much, not reading as much. It REALLY helps to keep the positive input flowing. Peter is a tremendous supporter of that and reminds me regularly not to slump into the oblivion of chemo-induced blahs...
Yesterday they decided to give me my last dose of chemo in their outpatient department and send me home after that. This is the first time I'll be dealing with the side effects without the 24 hour support of the hospital staff. It's just for this one time. I think they realized that these long stays in the hospital can be pretty dreary, so they are trying an experiment and hope it goes well! (So do I!)
The outpatient clinic at Kaiser was full of love and joy. It suprised Peter and me. They were celebrating a patient who had completed his chemo -- all the doctors and nurses came out, they had refreshments and a little ritual of ringing a gong. The caring among the staff and patients was palpable. It was heartening to witness.
On the food front, I'm still LOVING my pickle and avocado sandwiches. It's strange, but deserts by and large don't tempt me at all. I can eat 3 sandwiches a day and I'm still losing weight. Haven't weighed this little since I was in my early 30's.
I pray for the strength and patience to get through the next two months of inpatient chemo and on to better and better days!
My love to everyone,
Heidi
Monday, March 14, 2011
Hello dear ones,
This update has been a long time coming. The last time I was in the hospital -- in January and February -- I went through what can only be described as the dark night. It hit me on all levels....way down deep to my soul core. Physically I barely made it through -- I was delirious for several days, didn't know what was up or down, night or day. The chemo got into my brain (intentionally) which was like a dark, sticky oil seeping into all my neuron pathways and wrecking havoc. It got to the point where I couldn't recognize myself and it sent shivers through my consciousness.
After that ordeal, I decided that I couldn't continue the rest of the treatment. It just seemed like the path of death. I wrote to my oncologist and told him my decision. (It's not like me to quite something like this.) That week was an agony as I searched every corner of my soul and prayed my heart out for direction.
Early on the doctors told me that there is "no way" anyone can survive leukemia with just one round of the treatment. I had finished one round. Even though I was in an altered state that week, I still opened myself to the beauty around me and began to feel myself choosing life and life choosing me. That part was wonderful.
The second week I had a meeting with the oncologist and I knew he was going to try to convince to complete the treatment. But the night before I had a remarkable and sacred experience that clearly indicated that I needed to come back into the hospital. It came in the form of a dream..... When I woke up the next morning I felt such deep peace. All the angst left me -- not that the decision to come back to the incredibly brutal chemo treatment hasn't filled me with angst! But I knew it was the right thing to do to give myself the best chance of a complete CURE!
So I'm back in the hospital, going into my 3 week of this round. I have one more week (next) and then will be able to go home for a week or two for a break before doing the next round of 3 weeks. After that I will talk to my oncologist about my options for the 3rd and last round. I am not inclined to do that around....at least, not in the same way. Perhaps he'd be open to modifying it. This much I'm sure about. I will not undergo that chemo in the way it was given to me before.
I'll be out of the hospital soon and discharged for good in May. It's been a long, long journey since Mid-November. It will take me quite some time to integrate it all, even if that's possible. I know my life has changed dramatically: releasing old grievances, forgiving betrayals, digging into the deep recesses of grief and letting it all go....these must become a way life -- the way of the peaceful warrior. My diet will change and I will find so many supportive, healthy, loving, creative way of being with life again, more fully than ever.
Much love to each of you,
Heidi
This update has been a long time coming. The last time I was in the hospital -- in January and February -- I went through what can only be described as the dark night. It hit me on all levels....way down deep to my soul core. Physically I barely made it through -- I was delirious for several days, didn't know what was up or down, night or day. The chemo got into my brain (intentionally) which was like a dark, sticky oil seeping into all my neuron pathways and wrecking havoc. It got to the point where I couldn't recognize myself and it sent shivers through my consciousness.
After that ordeal, I decided that I couldn't continue the rest of the treatment. It just seemed like the path of death. I wrote to my oncologist and told him my decision. (It's not like me to quite something like this.) That week was an agony as I searched every corner of my soul and prayed my heart out for direction.
Early on the doctors told me that there is "no way" anyone can survive leukemia with just one round of the treatment. I had finished one round. Even though I was in an altered state that week, I still opened myself to the beauty around me and began to feel myself choosing life and life choosing me. That part was wonderful.
The second week I had a meeting with the oncologist and I knew he was going to try to convince to complete the treatment. But the night before I had a remarkable and sacred experience that clearly indicated that I needed to come back into the hospital. It came in the form of a dream..... When I woke up the next morning I felt such deep peace. All the angst left me -- not that the decision to come back to the incredibly brutal chemo treatment hasn't filled me with angst! But I knew it was the right thing to do to give myself the best chance of a complete CURE!
So I'm back in the hospital, going into my 3 week of this round. I have one more week (next) and then will be able to go home for a week or two for a break before doing the next round of 3 weeks. After that I will talk to my oncologist about my options for the 3rd and last round. I am not inclined to do that around....at least, not in the same way. Perhaps he'd be open to modifying it. This much I'm sure about. I will not undergo that chemo in the way it was given to me before.
I'll be out of the hospital soon and discharged for good in May. It's been a long, long journey since Mid-November. It will take me quite some time to integrate it all, even if that's possible. I know my life has changed dramatically: releasing old grievances, forgiving betrayals, digging into the deep recesses of grief and letting it all go....these must become a way life -- the way of the peaceful warrior. My diet will change and I will find so many supportive, healthy, loving, creative way of being with life again, more fully than ever.
Much love to each of you,
Heidi
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