Hello dear ones,  

This update has been a long time coming.  The last time I was in the hospital -- in January and February -- I went through what can only be described as the dark night.  It hit me on all levels....way down deep to my soul core.  Physically I barely made it through -- I was delirious for several days, didn't know what was up or down, night or day.  The chemo got into my brain (intentionally) which was like a dark, sticky oil seeping into all my neuron pathways and wrecking havoc.  It got to the point where I couldn't recognize myself and it sent shivers through my consciousness.

After that ordeal, I decided that I couldn't continue the rest of the treatment.  It just seemed like the path of death.  I wrote to my oncologist and told him my decision.  (It's not like me to quite something like this.)  That week was an agony as I searched every corner of my soul and prayed my heart out for direction.

Early on the doctors told me that there is "no way" anyone can survive leukemia with just one round of the treatment.  I had finished one round.  Even though I was in an altered state that week, I still opened myself to the beauty around me and began to feel myself choosing life and life choosing me.   That part was wonderful.

The second week I had a meeting with the oncologist and I knew he was going to try to convince to complete the treatment.  But the night before I had a remarkable and sacred experience that clearly indicated that I needed to come back into the hospital.  It came in the form of a dream.....  When I woke up the next morning I felt such deep peace.  All the angst left me -- not that the decision to come back to the incredibly brutal chemo treatment hasn't filled me with angst!  But I knew it was the right thing to do to give myself the best chance of a complete CURE!

So I'm back in the hospital, going into my 3 week of this round.  I have one more week (next) and then will be able to go home for a week or two for a break before doing the next round of 3 weeks.  After that I will talk to my oncologist about my options for the 3rd and last round.  I am not inclined to do that around....at least, not in the same way.  Perhaps he'd be open to modifying it.  This much I'm sure about.  I will not undergo that chemo in the way it was given to me before.

I'll be out of the hospital soon and discharged for good in May.  It's been a long, long journey since Mid-November.  It will take me quite some time to integrate it all, even if that's possible.  I know my life has changed dramatically: releasing old grievances, forgiving betrayals, digging into the deep recesses of grief and letting it all go....these must become a way life -- the way of the peaceful warrior.  My diet will change and I will find so many supportive, healthy, loving, creative way of being with life again, more fully than ever.

Much love to each of you,

Heidi