Que Sera, Sera....What will be will be

Dear Ones,

When I woke up this morning, this song came out of some deep chamber of my mind.  Haven't thought of it in AGES.  It's simple and sweet, and has alot of wisdom:

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

 

The cytology report came back yesterday confirming a Leukemia relapse.  My plan is to have the ommaya reservoir put in tomorrow and then chemo again into my brain this week to knock it all back, hopefully, to zero.  I have a bad cold to make things a wee or a lot more complicated.  Have sent a note to the doctor as to whether we will go ahead tomorrow.  But I don't want to wait since this cancer is so fast moving.

 

I'm also seeing Dr. Lombsang Dhoundup at 11 a.m. today.  More on that in my next blog.

 

Whatever happens from here on, I've been given 6 months since my last mega relapse to be with loved ones, to do some art and most importantly to search my soul, the universe, God, for those spacious, wondrous connections of Love.  It is all Love in the end.  This dream will pass for all of us, and new astounding beautiful doors will open as we go onward in our journey.  What will be will be.  I am not counting on leaving, but I must be in a place of sweet, complete acceptance. 

 

Peter took me to a Tibetan Astrologer last week.  When I sat down with him the first thing he ask me was "What happened to you two years ago?"  I told him I was diagnosed with Leukemia.  He immediately said I had a classic death transit and should have, could have, easily died.  That transit ended this past November and the fact that I had made it through those two years was very auscipicous he said, though I still have be careful.   I was so uplifted to hear that.  And then just a few days later to hear about this relapse.  The lessons, for me at least, is to put my counsel squarely in my heart and soul, with God alone. Where else is there to go?  I've been told so many positive things.  Invariably, if I latch on to any of them, I am sorely disappointed if things go awry. 

 

My Lord God,I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think that I am following your will,
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
Does in fact please you..

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and
Will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton. Circa 1954-56

 

I love you all.  Heidi