In the Hospital again -- Time for another Update!

Dear friends and well-wishers,

I thought all the twists and turns of my journey with Leukemia were over, or at least quiet for a time.  My path has gradually become more clear.  What a relief to have finally made some hard decisions and to be settling into a new rhythm and actually starting to get back into my art.  But just when my energy was beginning to increase after about 4 months of intense fatigue, I was "struck" by an enormous, mysterious (still undiagnosed) pain in my left flank area.  This new pain has now taken top honors for being the worst I have experienced in my life!

I have been in and out of the ER 4 times in six days.  Last night they admitted me into the hospital.  CT scans, and other tests have ruled out kidney stones, abcesses, infections.  The MRI I just had will hopefully reveal a more subtle level of detail, especially regarding the nerves in that area.  There is a numbness around my lower back, side and front, and the type of pain -- a relentless and, at times, excruciating pain that never goes away -- makes me think it is nerve pain.

At home I couldn't sleep, and even in the hospital now it has been difficult to manage the pain well with all the latest science and technology.   I've always been able to rely on the pain meds for instant relief, but now they're not working as well;  I believe I may have built up a tolerance to  them.

In the ER last night, Peter led me into the most beautiful meditation of opening to this experience -- ALL of it -- especially the ways I'm scared, weary, confused.  It was just for a few minutes as we were waiting for a bed in the ER, but in those few mins. I found myself shifting to a truly wonderful place, even in the midst of intolerable discomfort.  Sometimes it is hard to do this "shifting" on my own with all there is to cope with,-- so his presence was like a raft I could feel undernearth me, his words were the paddles, and my spirit was the wind in my sails that carried me to another, wider space.

By the way, if any of you know of any good comedies that you love and that are instant downloads from Netflix, please send me the titles.  It really helps if I can take my mind off the situation!

Will keep you updated on the MRI results, thank you for your ongoing support, love and friendship,

Heidi

P.S.  MRI results back:  Still no cause can be found.  However, the doctors here feel the pain is NOT caused by any relapse of Leukemia and said that if it was, they would have definitely seen evidence.  That's good news!