I'm here to say that the catheter was indeed placed correctly! I'm also here to say that Rituxan had way more side effects than I accounted for. I went in for the appointment in a very positive place, fully open and accepting of, actually EAGER, for this new treatment to begin. About a few minutes into the treatment HUGE waves of nausea shot through me and I begin to drive heave uncontrollably. My entire body became wracked with chills, spasms, broke out in a cold sweat. My eyes could no longer focus and I got a splitting headache. This lasted for five agonizing hours But I did not seizure! Peter and I wondered, later, if I had infact had a small seizure and the doctor confirmed this was possible.
We were in the office til injections of zofran, an anti-nauseous medication, and dilaudid for pain could be administered and take effect. Dr. P couldn't even give me the entire amount of Rituxan he had planned because of my reaction. He had to abort. Plus, he told me when there that he wanted to give everything to me with methotrexate, rather than cytarabine, which he also couldn't do yesterday. I go in this Thursday again for just the methotrexate. We will have to take it much slower now, unfortunately. I'm just super sensitive to these chemicals.
Wow, all of this hit me over the head (literally) like a sledge hammer. So much intensity and suffering for such a prolonged period now! There is no where to go with it except into the arms of the pervasive Goodness which is there, though not easily seen or felt during moments like this. I keep humming my little mantra: "My Life is Yours." "My life is in Your hands" -- We don't, I feel, have a separate life outside of the Divine Graciousness and Benevolence, though it is SO easy to feel that we do and to wonder why such suffering has visited my life and taken up came there!. I have certainly read about the suffering of saints and sages; their mighty tests seem to tower above anything I could possible cope with. I don't mean to compare myself with them by any means. In My own life, however, I pray more often now for release of pain. Not death, but courage to continue the fight. My hope is that I can reverse the cancer soon enough to get back on Mederi and Dhoudup products and begin building my system up again. This has always been my goal. Seems just when I begin to get there, another setback happens.
On a positive front, here's the picture of my completed white Tara. You'd have to see her in person to see all the "twinkle" as a photo doesn't pick it up. She symbolizes health and longevity and it's been healing working on her.
Your ongoing prayers, love, friendship, goodwishes, and support mean a great deal to me now. Thank you!!!
Heidi
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