Hi sweet friends and family,

Almost two weeks down and, hopefully, just one more ahead before going home for a week or so.  This time, as last, my blood counts are lingering in the low range...though it's still too early to tell how things will turn around, or how quickly, in the next week.  The doctor told me today that the bone marrow gets "tired" of the cycles of obliteration and rebirth this far into the treatment....  I've had a special pep talk with those cells today, doing visualizations and affirmations, and exercising more to signal activity and health to my neural networks!  Overall, am doing better this time (in terms of nausea and pain) than any other time I've been in the hospital.  A hugely welcome relief

For the first time in 5 months, since beginning my treatment in mid-November, had some scary "incidents" with the nursing staff -- wrong blood for my transfusion, wrong IV solutions,  steroid eyedrops 4 days longer than prescribed, etc..  (I learned from the doctor today that those 4 extra days wouldn't hurt my eyes, thank goodness!  All the other mistakes were caught in the nick of time.)  When the wrong blood came up and almost wasn't caught, I had had enough and talked to the administrator of the oncology floor.  The next day a friend called and told me about a book called "How to Survive your Hospital Stay."  I found the mention of that particular book more than a coincidence and have been on high alert in terms of self-care and safety the last couple of days.

Other than these incidents, the majority of the staff has been incredibly supportive, caring and competent over my long stay in the hospital.

Am almost done!!!!  And am starting to dream again of the evening's first stars at twilight on the island of Kauai, where Peter and I plan to go in late July.... of taking walks in the mornings around Oceana, of renewed health and strength entering my body's core, like a wellspring of prana -- always available and unstoppable in its healing force.   As I lay here writing this, the mere thought of that force sends vibratory signals throughout my body. 

I have learned, and continue to learn, so very much about myself here in this hospital "classroom".  There is absolutely nothing more compelling than an experience like this in terms of self-examination.

Peter sent me a wonderful article about the Hero's Journey.  Here's a short excerpt:

"Life can be lived in many ways.  You can make it about making money or winning at all costs, or pleasing other people, or perhaps never standing out.  Or you can live your life as a great journey of consciousness, one filled with many challenges and surprises, one that makes a positive contribution to the world....

...All of this suggests that the hero’s journey is no simple task.  It involves developing a deep connection to your center, and an expanding beyond your known self to something greater and grander.  It requires many skills: the “disciplined flow” of intentional but flexible consciousness; the capacity to construct, de-construct, and re-construct brain maps and filters at different levels; the willingness to learn creative nonviolence; the know-how to transform problems and suffering into solutions; and the courage to love your self and the world with all your being.... -- Stephen Gilligan, Ph.D.

This journey has certainly put me at the edge of my faith, my trust and ability to surrender everything.... everything.....  But being at the edge has been awakening as perhaps nothing else could.   I stand on the brink at times looking out into a vast emptiness, knowing that somewhere in the void, in the mystery, are the peals of wisdom, Self-claiming, and true transformation.  It is a relentless journey, but one that has had many blessings along the way.   Dare I say I wouldn't change it for anything?    Hopefully I can achieve that attitude more and more.  What an accomplishment that would be!

Love to all of you. 

Heidi

P.S.  There are some new photos posted under Misc. Photos of me in one of my wigs.  Peter and I took these on our drive into the mountains on Sunday on a pass from the hospital for several hours.