A Beautiful Good Friday and Easter to All

Dearest friends and family,

I have big news.  On this sacred Easter week I was discharged from the hospital for the 5th time -- 5 months exactly to the day (Nov. 19-April 19).  My body is healing well from the massive amounts of chemicals that have been put into it.  As I lay in my hospital bed looking out the window before being discharged, I reflected on all that has happened since finding out I had Leukemia in mid November.  Intuitively I feel this will be the last time I'll be back in the Kaiswer oncology wing.  All the nurses and doctors I've met, some very dear and wonderful people, will always remain in my heart and I'm sure I'll go back there and visit them from time to time.   So many memories of the last flood through me as I write this. 

Now begins the next, new chapter, a resurrection, of sorts from the "tomb" of extremely aggressive, toxic (yet healing) chemotherapy....  I feel I owe my life to the doctors and nurses at Kaiser who brought me through one of the MOST difficult kinds of cancer.  I still need to meet with my oncologist next week and discuss the methotrexate they want to give me for another 3 weeks in May.  (For those interested, you can read about how difficult this particular form of chemo is here:  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/meds/a682019.html )

My oncologist knows that I have questioned whether I could do another round of this chemo and is open to talking about alternatives as we go forward.  I will also request another bone marrow biopsy to see where I stand....but I know deep inside that my body is free of leukemia.  The doctors have been extremely encouraging all along.  Kudos to my brave body for withstanding such an onslaught!

I still have some months ahead of getting my strength and muscle tone back, and I believe the outpatient treatment can be difficult at times too.  But I will face what's ahead with all the courage and positivity I can muster.

In closing, I wanted to express gratitude for so many things...

I am grateful for all that has transpired
The darkness that was cleansed into Light
The moments of despair that led to hope
The opportunity of letting go of ALL control...
...Every nuance and impulse to hold on, to push or resist...
Every cry to have this cup removed from me.

I have greeted and welcomed a deeper side of me.
I have faced death and chosen life.

Thank you to all the friends who gathered around
my bedside -- whether or not in person
The hands that held mine during the dark night
and moments of joy
The unspeakable love I have felt
which birthed a new knowing
That I am loved very dearly
And that nothing will ever change that

I am grateful for my deepening faith
That it was shaken, stirred, examined
And that what came forth is a greater knowing
of that sacred relationship with the Good
in all things...

For my deepening bond with my sweetie, Peter,
Who was the best champion a woman in distress
could ever have by her side

For the harp concert on the day I was released from the hosp.
The stirring Music of Handel, Rachmoninoff, Debussy....
played by the harpist of the San Diego philharmonic
in a private appearance, just for me (at Peter's house)

For all the glimmers of true compassion and caring, of
giving, of empathy, of walking with strength and good
cheer by my side, for endless notes of comfort.

For my two brothers, Greg and Kevin, and my dear Aunt
Jean, and cousins, Jory, Alan and Ricky.  I love you so much.

Happy, blessed Easter to all,  Heidi