Dear Family and Friends,

I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn. Today began like so many others. A dark sky, pale at first, becoming brighter. The silence filling with sounds of a bustling city awakening. It was still dark in the room.  I couldn't go back to sleep.  My mind was swirling like leaves in a dry, hot wind.  There was nothing to do, no control, no pleading with God, nowhere to place the ache in my body and heart except in the hands of a Benevolent Universe.  As I breathed deeply, I began to let go, one by one, of the things that gripped my mind with pain, worry, fear. 

Peter and I came up to The City of Hope this past Monday buoyed by the hope that this would be the final leg of a long arduous journey, or rather, battle.  My warrior spirit to the forefront, I began my first chemo appointment at around 4 p.m.  Almost finished with the infusion, a call came from Dr. Sahebi, my bone marrow transplant doctor.  She started off:  "I have bad news."  I braced myself.  "The blood work we did earlier on you this afternoon showed the leukemia has come back into the bone marrow."  At first I was numb, hearing her voice as if from a distance of a thousand miles.  The doctor in San Diego had just done a bone marrow biopsy two or three weeks before and took 27 vials of blood from my arm for testing.  No cancer.  The leukemia decided to make its presence known the very day I was admitted to City of Hope to begin my bone marrow transplant procedure.

Dr. Sahebi continued, "We can no longer proceed with the transplant and you will have to go home tomorrow."  I could barely speak.  Peter was out of the room. There was a drab almost grey light in the room. The curtains around my chair couldn't stifle my quiet sobs as I tried to make sense of what had just happened.  As I sat there stunned, there was nowhere to turn, there were no answers...only another layer of complexity after so many layers these last three plus years.  

As I lay in my bed at the Village bungalow at City of Hope this morning, preparing to go back to San Diego, I finally found two wonderful words, "Let Go."  I lay there in the quiet dawn repeating these words over and over and over.  Let go of disappointment, let go of cancer, let go of concern over the pain that has crept into my body the last few weeks, let go of whether I'll again qualify for the bone marrow transplant or the clinical trial that could, if several things work out, put me again into remission, and I reminded myself, "it is darkest before the dawn."

In two weeks, God willing, I'll be back here to be admitted into a clinical trial called "BiTe" and thus on the road again, eventually, for the bone marrow transplant.  I'll let Peter's words of yesterday, the day after the "news" (which some of you have already seen) explain more:

"Hello all--a brief update after a very difficult night, a long day and a hopeful one ultimately...We were connected with an oncologist-researcher at City of Hope who is investigating a new drug for acute lymphoblastic leukemia here. (There have been 3 yrs of encouraging results from Europe on this drug).

So, the plan is to return here in 2 weeks for some tests and if the results are within certain parameters she will start the trial that week.  Then after approx. 8-10 weeks of intensive treatments and if she is in remission again in the bone marrow and spinal fluid, she will be eligible for the transplant.

The journey continues.  Thanks for all your kindnesses, loving support, and just your plain old selves!!!!

We love you all.

Peter"

 

Every now and then I'll get a gust of wind, and those leaves take off in all directions...like now.  Will the donor still be available in several months?   Will I be able to get into remission again?  I have not relapsed in my bone marrow before throughout these 3 plus years.  Can my body withstand yet again another round of very intense chemo followed by months of the transplant and recovery?    All I know is that there is no giving up; at least, not at this point.

 

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.”

In the end
these things matter most:
How well did you love?
How fully did you live?
How deeply did you let go?”
― Gautama Buddha

 

Stayed tuned as I find my way through the shadows to the brilliant dawn of unshakable faith in the knowledge that everything is exactly as it should be. And thank you all for your continued prayers!

 

Heidi