ANOTHER TWIST!

Dear Friends and Family,

Another twist in a long, windy road... My spinal tap yesterday was the most difficult one ever... Dr. P couldn't get the needle in the right place for about 20 mins. during which time he had to try 3 different needles numerous times.  There is more to the story, but won't go into all the unpleasant details.  Suffice it to say that the whole thing, including our conversation before the tap, left me very unsettled most of the day.

He again called in the late afternoon to tell me that my spinal fluid and blood work from yesterday came back showing that there were still only 2 white blood cells in my fluid....a very good sign.  I believe he also said, and I'm confirming it this morning, that there is still no sign of cancer there.  However, he was surprised to see that my hemoglobin -- which carries oxygen to the muscle and, when low, causes anemia -- was in the "severe anemia" category and he wanted to order a blood transfusion.  So I'm writing this from the hospital where I spent the night. I came on an intuitive hunch that I should act on this quickly, rather than wait til the morning as Dr. P suggested. When I got here I felt like I had just stepped out of the shower.... my hair and sweatshirt were sopping wet.  My hemoglobin has never been so low, even during the 5 plus months of hospitalization back in 2010 and 2011.  But this was not a surprise to me with the incredible weakness I've been experiencing; it actually gave me some perspective. 

So I got the transfusion this morning at 5 a.m. and am already feeling much better.  As it was going in, I playfully thought about Halloween and vampires and above all, how there is truth to all the tales about human blood being so life giving!  Of course, I'm not drinking it....but my body, tissues and cells are having a big party right now, splashing around in the greater, thicker blood flow and reveling in the kindness of whoever donated this special gift.  As my blood volume increases so does my strength.

The other interesting thing...for whatever it is worth (it could just be due to the fact that I was so "blood starved" and was finally given a "meal" of fresh blood) sometime during the night I felt a heaviness lift.  I wasn't really thinking about anything in particular.  All of a sudden, my awareness was called to a kind of spaciousness around me and I began to notice that my "etheric field" felt lighter.  It's hard to put these things in words.  It has been so incredibly heavy since the brain surgery debacle.  By the way, I'm scheduled to have the reservoir removed via surgery next Tuesday, Oct. 30, at 1:45 p.m. for those who would like to send some positive thoughts my way.  In all honesty, I'm a little nervous as the neurologist said the other day that that area of my brain is now more sensitized to having seizures...  But one has to simply make a decision, stand with it and trust.  We can't know how things will turn out in life much of the time.   

This morning an Indian oncologist came into my room and I had a delightful conversation with her about alternative treatments, oncology, and how I want the alternative-conventional approach (not the either/or approach), I want Kaiser to be an ally if I am to go off of conventional treatment for awhile or forever.  For the first time since I've been on this journey with Leukemia I felt I had found someone who I could (finally) talk to on the staff here about my situation.  I am seriously considering changing oncologists after what happened with Dr. P yesterday. He is simply not wired to step even an inch outside the conventional Kaiser perspective and I need someone who can support me if I do.

These twists and turn seem to happen at least once a week.  Last night was a hidden blessing.  Again, without going into all the details, I would not have gotten a badly needed transfusion if I hadn't come in come into the hospital, but had waited til this morning as Dr. P suggested.

Oh, on Dr. P's 5th or 6th attempt to get the needle between the vertebrae in  my spine he said, "You sure are being tested."   I guess that speaks to the only thing we have control over -- our thoughts and attitude.  I have to admit that I've been at an all time low off and on in recents week, much of which has been caused by my flagging energy and all the weighty decisions on my shoulders.  But on the other hand, have started a meditation during which I allow all the happy, peaceful and contented memories of my life to free-float up into feelable meditation moments, almost like they are happening again in real time.  I've noticed how readily and easily the body/mind can realign with these and how they have an almost instantaneous effect on consciousness AND on the immune system.  The body WANTS to heal.  We are hard wired for health, joy, love. It all seems so clear during these meditation moments, and so far away when mired down in the "reality" of pain, lack of sleep, and life/death decisions...

So I'll say adieu for now...... I'm sure you'll be hearing from me again soon!  And thank you to all who continue to follow my human drama and be such amazing cheerleaders rootin' me along the way!  Thank you too for those of you who give my sweet Pete your dear friendship, presence and support.

Heidi