A Beneficent Immensity....

A Beneficent Immensity

of No Thing,

An Unsurpassed Quiessence,

Surpassing.

-- Peter (written the day of my surgery)

 

 



Peter wrote this poem about 3 weeks ago, on the day of my surgery.  We had been reading from The Field of Compassion together and discussing the mysteries and majesties of this Universe we live, breathe and have our being in.... It so simply conveys the unconveyable (in words) magic we see unfolding everyday, from the first glint of sun on morning dew, to the blackness of the sky at night and how starlight is reaching us from such a long, long time ago when weren't even here on the planet, or at least not here in this form...to the beautiful picture above of a sunrise over Mt. Shasta.

We're Off to Mederi Tomorrow:

We are excited about our trip tomorrow to Mederi Foundation and to Ashland, OR.  Equally important is a much needed  "get away" into the healing arms of Nature and Beauty.  We have been through so very much since July 11.  Now it's time to turn the page into a new chapter of healing.  I can hardly wait to begin hearing something positive, hopeful, encouraging about this form of cancer instead of the "dead end" scenarios they convey at Kaiser, with all their best intentions.

Authenticity:

"Let him who seeks continue seeking until he
finds. When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes
troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the All."  -- The Gospel of St. Thomas

Just some recent but powerful reflections on my own healing journey....

We "spiritual" folk often run from our shadow side -- those darker corners of our consciousness that are not pretty or inspiring. They may, in fact, be deeply "troubling".  To me the above quote refers to self-honesty and authenticity -- the impulse, backed by action, to face who we are completely.  I'd like to think I have had a lifetime of doing just that... but this Leukemia has shown me so many different sides of myself -- some not all that pretty.  Some, on the other hand, that I have been inspired by.  It has been a true blessing in disguise in that regard.

We've heard and read, many times perhaps, that "God watches the heart" and that out of the heart springs our actions and deeds. Peter reminded me of another quote today that it is our actions that change our thoughts....  Acting on our good intentions creates new pathways in the brain.  We "see" ourselves following through and not perhaps just passively affirming something, wishing it or merely "thinking" about it.  We also see how we actually can re-grow brain cells and can change the structure and function of our brains by the way we think.  Yet, how many times have I thought about change for years -- whether it be a not so healthy habit, or a more desirable one I want to incorporate -- and not done it?  I know I'm in that category, even now, as I desire to re-energize my spiritual practices....  "Freedom is our capacity to seek meaning and stake our lives on what we have discovered.  It is the existential that enables us to make choices that evolve us to live responsibly and co-creatively."  (From "The Field of Compassion")

Choices that evolve us....  These choices may, in fact, mean looking deeper at our fears and "unconscious" beliefs we may not even know we have!

Dr. Ernie Rossi, a pioneer in the body/mind movement and a student of Eriksonian therapy, called the  unconscious a "blind giant"when I spent a wonderful weekend with him this time last year.  The unconscious never lies to us and has VERY significant things for us to look at more deeply.  Those of us with strong spiritual inclinations and practices might be tempted to turn away, denigrate or deny our shadow side  (an act also known as spiritual "bypass")....little knowing or acknowledging what a mighty influence the unconscious has in healing and guiding our lives, even though we know this on an intellectual level.  Have we ever noticed that, when our shadow is unacknowledged (anger, projections, etc.), it has a way of "leaking out sideways" either in health issues, relationship problems, self judgments, etc.?  Or we try to "affirm" them away.  By the way, I am a HUGE proponent of the use of affirmations. It is a beautiful form of soul-art.  Yogananda refers to affirmations as "vibratory prayer-seeds."  They do have the power to change matter, as visualization does.  Sometimes we may need more than that.... At least I feel I do right now...

Peter and I are showing up to this cancer thing as an opportunity for much deeper growth on all levels of being.  This morning we had a wonderful sharing about the vital importance of bringing all parts of our beings into healing, which includes the spiritual dimension... which IS, at least in my belief, the most important, although not at the expense of the others.  My facial paralysis, for example, happened after two weeks of the most intense and heartfelt daily affirmation practice that I've had in my whole life.  There were and are deeper areas of faith and letting go that I have had to reach....that, and giving the Divine Forces a chance to work uninterruptedly.  The timing of the paralysis, and surgery that I survived due to your prayers, the various unexpected or spiritually "not logical" twists and turns have given me plenty of opportunities to stretch to those deeper areas of letting go and faith...

Using affirmation is certainly what I have "known" throughout life.  But recently I have seen that there is a powerful energy competing with this spiritual "knowing" that is finding its way into my unconscious/subconscious during my dreams -- fear.  I'm not one to consciously dwell on fear, but I am beginning to normalize fear as part of my journey and I'm finally willing to be honest with myself here.  My dreams last night make it impossible to ignore....

There were 3 "recurring" dreams where this energy came, well,  in the form of a nightmare.  Yes, it is humbling to admit that even with all my positive thoughts, courage, and beliefs, I can still have them.  Three dreams, all 3 of which Peter had to wake me up because I was in obvious discomfort!  In all three I was being pursued by an "invader" who wanted to take my life.  Of course, I know that I wouldn't be human and facing a situation like this without some fear.... fear of death, fear of pain....fear of loss..    I am now almost off of one of the drugs that has been keeping me in remission -- Decadron -- and face some treatment altering decisions soon.  The Chemo has been a sort of "security" blanket for me.  As I get off of it, the pain at the base of my skull and behind my ears has come back to a degree.

I'm a strong believer in looking at our shadow side as well as affirming and visualizing our Light.  If fear is there, denying or repressing it won't make it go away.  It will show itself, as it did to me last night.  I need to be with it, integrate, make "friends" with it.  This too is a way of reconciling opposites.  It doesn't mean I have to identify with it, dwell on it, or let it continue to have power in the unconscious domain by ignoring it.  In my dreams last night there was some person, or entity, trying to take my life.  This morning I realized that whatever that was in all 3 dreams is a part of me needing acceptance; it is not something outside of myself.  Push it away?  Deny it?  That would be to deny a part of myself.

Sometimes we may feel in the "grip" of these unconscious forces. We may not fully know what they are or how to overcome them.  Just a simple letting go, turning over, placing them "at the feet of God,"  or whatever practice we may have when we bring in the higher energies of healing and light, is a choice toward evolving through them, I feel. At least this is so in my case.  I do not mean to preach here what is best for everyone.  We all will find our own way.

On another note, Dr. Polikoff called me on Friday to say that, for the 4th week in a row, they cannot find any cancer cells in my spinal fluid.  During my appointment last week, he was so heartfelt in his communication; more than at any other time.  He said, "Did being a nun for so many years help you with your fear of death?  We all have this fear, on some level, regardless of our religion."  Well, maybe some of us don't.  I hadn't really considered if I do until that question and the discussion with Peter this morning.   

When a nun I would read, and still do, about the beautiful heavenly realms and how we can live, after our perhaps difficult sojourn on earth, closer to our true nature.  We will experience deeper freedom and joy, surrounded by loved ones we have known for eons, and will have access to higher knowledge.  Wow!  Yogananda's description of the astral world is stunning.  Why wouldn't we want to get out of this world of pain and turmoil?  But he (and many others) have also said that human birth is the greatest gift and that we make the most progress here (in distinction to "there") because we have to grapple with and overcome our fears, our unforgivenesses, judgments, etc.  Leukemia, particularly a cancer that has so few convential treatment options, is bringing me to a new level of self-honesty.  If not now, when?  This too takes courage and, in the Big Picture, I am so grateful for this inner journey.

Most religions or spiritual paths seem to have a glorious description of the afterlife where we find comfort, peace and can make some sense out of our lives in this world.  I'm fortunate to have had some experiences in childhood, actual experiences, as I'm sure many of you did, confirming the existence of an astral or heavenly realm.  People who have had NDE's pretty much all say "there is nothing to fear" -- all is Light and Love.  It is attachment to the finite, according to many, that creates the pain and fear of leaving this world.  All I can say is that until I went through this relapse and thought about leaving my loved ones, I didn't really acknowledge my own sense of my potential loss and therefore my attachments.   On the other hand, I also have seen how very much I desire to live, love, dance, serve and express uniquely what is inside and what a true gift it is to be alive in this realm, and to continue to evolve consciously.   I hope to have many more years to do that and if not, to let go gently and with great love.

I remember a story of how Yogananda couldn't be around those he loved (e.g. Sister Gyanamata) when they were passing because of his attachment. The integration of the human and the Divine has always been deeply inspiring to me....I have loved hearing stories like this because I can relate.   Yes, I am attached -- in other words, I can love FULLY.  I can appreciate FULLY.  I can support FULLY.  I am here in this world FULLY, with all my strengths and foibles.  I try not to distance or separate from others, fearing I am becoming too attached or because of some belief system.  Always the context for living love is there underlying it all.....

Well, a rather lengthy blog entry that I have used more like a journal.  Thanks for taking this walk with me (those of you who have made it to the end!)....  More updates after Mederi....

Heartfully,

 

Heidi