A New Clinical Trial

Dear Family and friends,

“Everything in the universe is within you.

Ask all from yourself.”

~ Rumi

Yesterday's blues gave way to today's hues.

A slightly different palette of colors 

from which to choose

I stand before a powerful force and face

with head bowed toward this Mighty Grace

a key once lost has now been shown

it was placed just ahead on the earth's vast brown

A key of possibility, and of renewed hope found.

I became eligible for a new clinical trial today and, if my spinal fluid is still clear , I begin treatment this next Monday.  It's only a Phase 1 trial so little is known about the new drug. It is one of those anti-body monoclonal drugs that seek out and destroy the CD 19 positive proteins on the outside lining of some cancer cells.  Real science fiction this microscopic warfare!  So far, all my test results point to a "go ahead".  

More than at any other time these last several years I've had to face the real possibility that this may be getting closer to my time to exit.  As my Dad used to tell me, "No one gets out of here alive."  It is poignant, this "exit", no matter what the time of departure for each of us or the circumstances surrounding it.   As the old familiar, much-used, saying goes, "Live each day as is if were your last!"  Words like this, so easy to write, so difficult to live sometimes, nevertheless are potent reminders of our focus each day.  For me they bring up thoughts and feelings around how much more I would, God willing, still like to accomplish, to BE, as a spark of Love in this world.  But then I've always been too hard on myself.  As Peter has often reminded me "The glass is both half full AND half empty."  We are all a mixture of achievements and perhaps some broken dreams along the way.  The beauty for me has been in the learning -- those precious moments when I've been able to "transcend and include" the small self into a greater, Truer Self in each thought, word and deed. 

Well, if truth be told, there are plenty of times I feel some sadness in leaving this grand earthly stage.  And times, too, when I look forward to taking off this heavy bodysuit and blazing new creative trails in the etheric realms.  Meanwhile, it takes much courage to keep going, to endure new pains  and promises with equinimity!  And to always, always remember that in the end, only Love remains...

Feeling that love for all of you....   Heidi