Hi folks,

What a time it's been -- with colossal world events rumbling around us. So much continuing uncertainty.    In my own much smaller rumbling world,  I find myself a little more still within (practice makes perfect????)  These days the uncertainty shows up in the form of a clinical trial that has not yet been tested on humans; only monkeys and mice.Will I wake up in a jungle swaying from the trees, eating a banana?  Or howling to my monkey mate or looking for little "critters" in his fur? (I startled my nurse yesterday by making monkey noises, quite realistically I might say. She actually jumped, chuckling of course!

About the clinical trial I'm on, I found out that this one is "the slow boat to China."  In other words, I shouldn't expect quick changes that happen with straight chemo therapy -- the "gunslinger" approach to cancer. So I was pretty calm when I learned that the results aren't quantified in the same way I'm used to.  My blood is more clear of leukemia but my bone marrow hasn't changed that much.  In other words, I'm not in remission yet, but moving in that direction.  Once the blood is clear, it can work more in the bone marrow...something like that. To be honest, It was a little difficult for me to understand.

Anyway, this continues to be a full-on roller coaster ride with all the twists and turns and "tummy in your mouth" bumps and bounces. But I've been through plenty of these before and come through the other side...and I know I'll come through this one. But goodness!!!!  I say ENOUGH ALREADY, wouldn't you agree?  I admire all your stamina reading through these updates for such a long time!

In the long, big picture view I wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned and continue to learn.  They are hard won but they make the battle worth it. Most of my lessons have to do something with trust and letting go....biggies for us all.  As the saying goes, "simple but not easy." In the short run, I'd sure like a little patch in the sun to lay my noggin on for a while.

I have no expectations for anything familiar these days unless you call pain and uncertainty familiar; and I'm beginning to soften into the truth that this has always been a "wishful thought", allowing life to unfold itself, with me as an interested, caring and engaged witness. Of course, I hold the big wish in moments that I could return to the way things were before November 13. 2010, but I recognize this as just my wish for safety, comfort and certainty, not wrong or bad in itself but it keeps me from the full acceptance of "what is" in the now. 

 

Love to you all,

Heidi