My dear friends and family,

It has almost been one month to the day that a good friend of mine called 911 for me and I was taken, by ambulance, to Kaiser Hospital.  The summer started with a sense that things were just "not right" with my health and I began my incredibly thorough journey of getting to the bottom of it sometime in May.  It started with increasing tiredness which only got worse as the weeks wore on.  Then bodily functions ceased functioning well or at all.  Headaches began.  Interestingly enough, all my emails to my oncologist, trips to Urgent Care and the ER for 2 months didn't uncover the cause:  a relapse of the Leukemia. It took a very bright doctor at Kaiser to consider giving me a spinal tap.  I'll never forget her kind and compassionate face when she came in with the news:  "Heidi, I'm sorry to tell you that you have alot of abnormal cells in your spinal fluid."  By that time, alot of damage had already been done and they gave me just weeks to live if I didn't have any treatment.

Oddly, such a relapse had never crossed my mind.  I had thought, rather, that almost two years of chemotherapy was finally taking its toll.  In retrospect, I'm amazed at how positive I've been through this whole ordeal.  I never thought the Leukemia came to take my life but to awaken me in some ways.  Now, in the hospital and for weeks afterward, I didn't know if this would be my time to leave this earth.  And it all happened so quickly.  I felt like I was slipping away.  I'm much better now, which is why I'm putting this in past tense.  I don't feel I'm declining anymore, but rather getting stronger with each day, though I have a long way to go in my healing journey.

What I never knew about Leukemia this whole time was that it could return JUST in the spinal fluid.  (My bone marrow is fine.)  Frankly, I didn't know too much about the spinal fluid, what it does, and what happens when it is "messed with" by cancer.  All of a sudden I went from being independent to being bed-bound and unable to walk or even sit up on my own.  In those early days I didn't know if I'd ever be able to walk again!  Kaiser told me they could basically just offer me palliative care.  A Bone Marrow transplant at City of Hope could offer me a 10% chance of a cure or simply prolong my life, if successful.  So I opted to go with some very wonderful and unique alternative treatments, which definitely are helping me.  I'm able to walk with a walker now, sit up in bed most of the day, eat a fairly normal diet and type.   My functioning is gradually coming back.

What I want to communicate to you more than anything right now is how grateful I am for how you have all rallied around me.  I have never felt so loved and cared for in all my life.  I've been BLOWN AWAY by your support on so many levels. 

Also, a remarkable thing happened to me in the hospital.  I somehow was given a glimpse of the true nature of life, which is LOVE.  It was extraordinary and experiential....not merely an intellectual understanding.  It was a state of consciousness. Even just describing it now in this update seems so small.  I will communicate about it more in future updates.   As I've gotten more of my functioning back, I've also seen how different functioning of my mind (reasoning, logic, etc) have also returned more.  But during those early days in the hospital there was no filter -- nothing keeping me from the experience of pure love, without any opposite or clarifier.  I saw my life, and all the events in my life, especially the difficult ones, as gifts that had been perfectly planned and executed by love.  This was not some fantasy, imagination, inspiration I had read in a book or hospital drug-induced haze...but real, complete with a sense of knowing in the deepest fiber of my being.  I felt like I could see "through" people into their souls.  Their particular spiritual orientation or belief system didn't matter in the least, or get in the way of seeing a deeper truth.  In fact, that's really all I saw for a few days.  I will never forget the simplicity and absolute clarity I experienced on this level, though now the experience has dimmed quite a bit and my "new/old" self is back more and more....  I share this with you because it is such good news, and if it can happen to me, it can happen to all of us since there is a oneness that runs through our spirits.....  It's as if we become more of our true selves when we face the end of life and our ego-self begins to fade....

Also, for those of you who don't know about a wonderful new fund raising website my boyfriend, Peter, and dear brother, Kevin, put together, please check it out if you feel so inclined:  http://www.giveforward.com/helpheidi   and forward to others too if you like.

I should be able to give more regular updates now.  Just learned that my blood work (taken yesterday) is improving!  My CBC (complete blood count) is improving!  A sign that my alternative treatment is working well!  Really good news!

So much love for all of you,

Heidi