Dear Family and Friends,

More to report!  But before I do so, let me just thank all of you have been donating for my care from the bottom (and top) of my heart!  I am overwhelmed by everyone's kindness and generosity.  To be in the position of "receiver" has been very humbling for me.  I am surrounded by all kinds of giving -- volunteers (my dear Peter, family and friends) have been with me for the last month around the clock.  Thank you for giving me part of your lives, your love, your good will and support, and your material means.  This all means more to me than I can ever express!  It's at times like this that we realize that when everything else goes, when hard times come, we are sustained, literally, by those we love.

The last few days have brought more energy.  The hospice nurses were able to take out the catheter, thank goodness, making it much easier for me to navigate out of my bed.  Apparently one of  the doctors in the hospital made the comment "Heidi will probably not be able to walk again," and I am proving them wrong as each day sees more of my motor skills return, especially walking -- still a bit on the halting/unsteady side.  I wasn't able to sit up in my bed for more than a few seconds just 3 short weeks ago.   Now I sit up most of the day.  The alternative treatment I'm receiving seems to be working and this is with an illness where Western medicine really has nothing else to offer.  They gave me just two months to live in the hospital if I didn't have any treatment.  I can hardly believe it as I write this, if I had not experienced the beginning of the "sleep of death" -- a letting go process of this world, the senses, one's cognitive faculties, etc.  There have been moments during this time when I could "sense" that things could go either way -- life OR death.  I just couldn't tell which one.  It was as if it hadn't yet been determined.....until one day, when I began to feel the tiniest resurgence of life within.  The will to live is a powerful thing, and I've had a strong will to live, along with a feeling that, God willing, there is more for me to do, learn, be in life.  We shall see.  For the moment I am happily appreciating each day and all my many, many blessings which include each one of you.

As I wrote in my last update, I had a very unusual experience for a time for a week or so.  Here is something I wrote recently to a friend, describing it in more detail:  "The ONLY thing real to me during the days I was in this "consciousness" was LOVE and oneness. There simply wasn't anything else...even though I was suffering pretty intensely at the time. I felt no fear. There was an "equality" to everyone I saw and interacted with.  Everyone was incredibly special, a bright light, with unique and amazing qualities.  I truly could see this. It was not just an intellectual understanding. There is a big difference. KNOWING it is experiencing it on a whole other level, complete with feelings and insights that are specific to the people who are placed in your life at any given moment, even total strangers. So all my family and friends, the nurses in the hospital, the doctors, the young men in the ambulance with me...everyone....sparkled anew with their soul qualities before my very eyes. It wasn't difficult at all to see their essence, their special gifts and even their larger purpose....."

The brain scientist, Jill Bolte, who had a stroke and wrote about it in her book "My Stroke of Insight", described so well what she experienced as her brain's natural functions, especially the logical, reasoning part, faded and she began to experience only a wonderful oneness with the universe: 

"When she lost the skills of her left brain, her consciousness shifted away from normal reality and she felt 'at one with the universe.' Taylor helps others not only rebuild their brains from trauma, but helps those of us with normal brains better understand how we can consciously influence the neural circuitry underlying what we think, how we feel and how we react to life's circumstances."



In my own small way I felt I had a tiny glimpse of this. As the "neural circuitry" began to come back "online" I began to feel myself re-enter this amazing material dimension more and more.   I began to shift BACK into the normal reality we all are so familiar with.  At first it was the ability to step back and wonder "What the heck happened to me these last few weeks?"  Then I could feel my reasoning come back:  "What am I going to do now?"  There were some bumps on the road here.  I felt moments of being overwhelmed by my condition.  Now, as I reflect on everything, I try to bring back the memory of that week or so when the "I" part of me was out of the way, at least to a degree, and thus any sense of being in control was out of the way too.  There is truly nothing like a life or death situation to show us how our lives are so utterly in the hands of the Universe, God.

Other practical things about my progress:  Peter and I took a walk yesterday without my walker!  I'm not yet steady enough on my feet to do that alone and still need someone next to me to hold on to.  But it felt so good to be doing this again.  Other bodily functions are becoming more normal, and I'm eating really well.  I'm beginning to visualize my next piece of art....  I took a shower this morning by myself and Peter and I took a drive the other evening to get an ice cream cone...

That's it for now.  Thanks for your care and interest.

Heidi

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