It's been another full week. So much is happening now, it's hard for me to keep up with it all! There are, always and ever present, the physical levels of health and all that goes with healing. There is the mental/emotional and all crooks and crannies needing brightness, faith, new perspectives and empowerment. Then there is the spiritual level -- a deep well with mysteries and beauty always there waiting to be explored and brought to the forefront of consciousness.... A deeply sustaining and enriching field of Grace...
I am quite thoughtful these days.....It is nearing the 6 month mark of my relapse (from my hospitalization in mid-July) -- going from completely "healed", at least in my own perception of the Leukemia, to "hanging in the dangle." My last spinal tap on October 25 revealed the presence of some "abnormal cells" for the first time in 6 weeks. Dr. Polikoff said they are NOT full Blast cells (Leukemia cells) -- thank goodness -- but they did show an inexplicable irregularity of some kind. There really isn't any way to know what this means right now until I get the next results. They will either become Blast cells or they will not. I should know in a day or two.
This put me again in that all too familiar place of uncertainty, reminding me that we all have a bigger life beyond this physical plane and that THAT reality is powerful, complete and never-ending. When I can open into my Larger Self -- beyond the confines of the personality-driven small self, with its attachments and sense of gain/loss (duality) -- I can glimpse an expansive empowerment that is truly magnificent. In all humility, I cannot always sustain that awareness, but even glimpses are transforming. When going through these past weeks of pain and uncertainty, these moments can be fleeting, but then just a few minutes of true meditation can bring me back there.
If life is a school, and I believe it is, my particular teacher has perfected the art of tough-love and doesn't allow for any inattention in the classroom these days! I picture him or her as kindly, but someone who will accept no excuses. Only graduating into true freedom and love are acceptable. There are no cliff notes and attendance each day is mandatory! A slight lapse of attention to detail or to excellence in this classroom is noticed and there is the Professor, at my side, reminding me that the doors to the outside of this classroom are locked and the test is on, the minutes are ticking away and there is no time to lose... Seeing this teacher as benevolent has been a practice of late. The teacher is the cancer -- not something to be feared, but something to learn from.
On a practical note, I had my last spinal tap yesterday, Thursday, and a much better experience with Dr. P. I won't get into the details for why he was nicer and more "humane," but suffice it to say that he received some very clear and honest feedback recently (not from me, but from someone who cares and loves me -- Peter) and I was glad to see him respond so openly. The results of this spinal tap will be very interesting. I have a few butterflies swarming around in my stomach. If cancer shows up, I will need to tap deeply into my intuition about the treatment I do -- stop the chemotherapy and begin the cold energy? Will I be able to afford treatments again, given that the Mederi supplements are over 1k a month and I need ongoing labwork now outside of Kaiser? So much to consider of late....
The spinal tap yesterday was remarkably easy in itself. Well, relatively so for a needle going into the spine. But Dr. P hit a nerve directly for the first time I've been getting these and I was in excruciating pain afterwards for hours. Couldn't move, even slightly, without pain shooting through my body until about 8 p.m. -- from about 2:30 p.m. For those of you have been trying to reach me lately by phone, I apologize for not getting back in a timely manner. With the surgery last week, the tiredness or the pain, it has been one thing after another! Also, my wonderful brother, Greg, is staying with me for a few days and offering some much needed support on all levels, so I've been spending my energy and waking hours with him, having wonderful talks and getting my house in order, literally.
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The anniversary of my diagnosis is coming up next week. It's been two years (November 13) since I heard those word: "Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia." So many days, weeks and months of living in a body that is limp with fatigue. Yet I marvel at all I've been able to do and be, despite all the challenges. My Mederi supplements arrived two days ago and Greg and I spent the better part of the morning yesterday organizing them -- a huge job and an even bigger one taking all of them at regular intervals throughout the day. There are so many, and they are powerful! They should help with some much-needed energy and it feels SO GOOD to be back on a really healing protocol. It's been a couple of months of JUST doing chemo and, while it may have been keeping me in a remission-type state, it has also been tearing my body down.
At this stage, Leukemia is considered "incurable", so I am breaking new ground. It is nothing short of a miracle that I am still here. There are really no conventional treatments that can cure it at this point. I am launching on a "no holds barred" approach and finding some alternative treatments that have some promise, if not for a complete cure, for a good extension of life. The "doom and gloom" of the traditional understanding of my situation does not account for the way Grace and Divine Intervention work in the Universe, and I've reached a point in my treatment where I am utterly disinterested in the dire perspectives of convential medicine. Where do they get any of us? I have played them out pretty fully now. Just going into Kaiser (I do appreciate all they've done for me!) is more difficult these days. I need to balance my recent experiences there with the brightness of hope and beauty!
Our three hour talk this week with Dr. Stritter was fantastic and offered some great perspectives. She said that in her experience the people who do best are the ones who combine traditional medicine with alternative and that our spiritual efforts in meditation and raising our frequency are just, if not more important than biological medicine in healing cancer. My whole focus now is on creating a "hostile environment" for the cancer to survive. The Mederi protocol, and a few other things, are a part of this. Yes, I can still appreciate the Professor (the cancer) and not be frightened of his sometimes scary demeanor, and at the same time move on to other classes and school itinerary!
I truly believe that the Leukemia came into my life as an incredible teacher with a benevolent desire to bring my authentic divinity into a fuller experience and accessibility . For that to happen, I've had to see patterns connected to my smaller self that need deeper awareness and releasing. But it is not a "pushing away"; it is more of a welcoming of all that is and all that is to be. When surrendering from my higher self, there is no sense of loss, but a bigger reality and encompassing of the Truth of my being.
Someone truly wise once said that the False Self is so stubborn, so tenacious that while attending its own funeral, it would still deny its demise! Life sometimes doesn't give us these "in your face" opportunities to dig as deep as I've had to these last two years and in the "Big Picture" I am grateful for them....at least when my perspective is clear and positive. But the very real human emotions are often there too, reminding me of my need to find and exist more and more in that deep inner well of silence and in the peace "that surpasses all understanding."
I've been awake this morning since 1 a.m. Finally dozed off at 4 a.m. Some meditation, some reading. I'm absorbing all on can on the subject of welcoming "what is" and was it to come; releasing, surrendering into a larger Reality. From The Field of Compassion: "What I've noticed is that when I'm focused on letting go, I am usually focused on what I don't want. If I am focused on not judging, the focus is still on judging.... The image of letting go presupposes attachment...a holding on to something that is keeping me from freely turning to receive that which is emerging. If, on the other hand, I am guided by "let come," I find myself in the witness stance, attentive and open to what is emerging and therefore more able to participate in that which is incomprehensible divine mystery that wants to communicate and awaken me to deeper levels." This is a practice that requires nurturing on a daily basis!!
Another way of saying this is that we cannot beat the darkness out of a room with a stick. We must bring in the light and then the darkness vanishes "as though it has never been." Focusing on the positive, not on elminating the negative.....
To find peace whatever life brings -- isn't this what we all want deep down? Peace and acceptance... At the same time, we must continue to act. I call upon my warrior self to turn over every stone in terms of treatment. In this regard, alot is happening on the battlefield. It's great having all those supplements neatly organized (thanks to Greg) in my kitchen, full of vibrant, life-giving ingredients from Nature's bounty. There is some objective evidence that they have the ability to kill cancer cells. To do so, they have to be able to cross the blood/brain barrier, which not all supplements (or even chemotherapy) can do. But most of these supplements are Leukemia-specific and help prevent damage from the prolonged use of chemotherapy. I am super excited and grateful for this new treatment.....
“For all that has been, Thank you. For all that is to come, Yes!” ― Dag Hammarskjöld
Heartfelt love to you all,
Heidi
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