A Rough Week

Hi Friends,

This was my second week of the chemotherapy called methotrexate, and a difficult one. I haven't felt up to too much communication, so I apologize if some of you didn't hear back from me if you called.  The Methotrexate has built up in my system now and so the side effects are more pronounced than the first week.   I have one more week of this particular chemo to go before I reach the half way point (of the hospitalization portion) of my treatment.

Yesterday (Thursday) my white blood count went down a bit and my chronic cough got worse.  I'm learning that the path to regaining my health is not going to be linear.  It's more like 3 steps forward, 2 backward.  However, Dr. Liao gave me a wonderful perspective during his visit in the morning.  His words were a life raft in this seemingly shoreless ocean of chemo, nausea and pain....  He said "Heidi, you are doing above average with the treatment.  Actually, how you are responding is superior to others I've seen."   And I could hear the sincerity and enthusiasm in his voice. 

It is so important to hear words of encouragement and perspective from those who have experience with Leukemia.  My nurse last night also told me how well I'm doing....."I've seen many, many Leukemia patients in my career and let me tell you, Heidi, you are doing really, really good." 

I take these words with me into the daily battle -- doing my best to remain positive and to go the full 9 yards with this difficult treatment.  For example, this morning I can't even imagine another lumbar puncture this next Monday and going through yet another week of Methotrexate.  So I don't look ahead...except to this weekend when I hope to get out of the hospital and play a bit, energy permitting.

The most challenging aspect of this right now is the sheer length of time of not feeling good with only a little respite now and then from the pain medication.  It is a journey of utmost GRIT!!  There is no going half way....  Dr. Liao said if only one leukemia cell is there, I would have a relapse in the future.  So I'm taking every pill they give me, every IV, every injection....  I'm fighting this with all I have.  I am absolutely determined to be in that 40% that gets to the 5 year point (and beyond) with no relapse!!

There are moments, like this morning, when all I want is some tenderness....something to offset the rough, sharp edges of this experience.  Something soft and easy.  There are moments of tears when I just can't get down another yucky potion that is there to help me, but makes me even more nauseous in doing so.  But get it down I do, and I wake up to another day....closer to my goal, closer to the end, closer to a new, brighter chapter of my life.

Today, if up to it, I'm going to take a longer walk outside.  I'm no longer hooked up to my IV as of this morning...so am freer to get around.  I'm also going to do some art.  I haven't felt inspired to do anything creative in such a long time, and even today it seems like a bit of an effort.  But I feel it will help me....

That's it for now.... will post again soon.  Meanwhile, my love and hugs to each of you!

Heidi