The Last Two Months....

Wow, has it been a challenging couple of months -- two stays in the hospital due to pneumonia, the completion of 13 radiation treatments to my spine and brain with all the side effects, numerous episodes of a-fib.  This is why you haven't heard from me in awhile.  I'm home now, still recovering from pneumonia, which I understand takes awhile.  Am also waiting for the green light for the bone marrow transplant.  So far I've cleared two out of four weeks where they can find no "irregular" cells in my spinal fluid.  Once I clear the fourth week I start a battery of tests and if I clear those, I'm off to City of Hope for another difficult journey which could cure me once and for all!  After that, NO more radiation or chemo ever again!  I can start building my body up again.

What does one do during the arduous hours, days and weeks of such a long illness?  -- and with setbacks (or some new problem) seeming to happen every week or two?  Whenever I feel that life raft of hope slipping through my fingers, my friends, especially Peter, will pull me back on board....like this morning when I was in a long a-fib and he comforted me with these words "We'll get through it together, Heidi."  The love and companionship in those words were just the right dose of the only kind of medicine that really matters.  I converted back to a sinus heartbeat about an hour later.

When strong enough, I paint, read, listen to visualizations/affirmations and count my blessings.  I wouldn't be honest if I said this was easy.  Peter and I have been reading a book together called "The Deepest Acceptance" by Jeff Foster in which he says to accept even our non acceptance.  We can't fake acceptance, but we can lean into the arms of whatever we resist and try to welcome what already is and what we have absolutely no control over.  It certainly takes less energy and heartache than struggling against it.  So today I'm grateful that the a-fib converted and I'm grateful for the medication that mitigates the pain in my body, and I'm grateful, especially, for all of you who keep rallying by my side, your prayers and love, and for art. In my good moments, I'm grateful for my valor to keep fighting the good fight.  I guess I am a warrior, like Peter told me this morning.  There is just something in me that doesn't want to give up.  I can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel now, with the possibility of a bone marrow transplant.  I'm lucky I have the possibility of qualifying for that when so many types of cancer don't have that option.

It's a beautiful day outside.  I wish all of you deep peace in whatever circumstances life finds you...

Love you,

Heidi