"Perhaps life is calling you right now to find a place in yourself that reflects this divine audacity and flexible strength in the face of all odds.  Sometimes the worst of life can bring out the best in us.  It's then that we come closer to what is truly divine within."  Sufi book

I'm grateful today that my healing has not been linear, and gradually progressive without any bumps in the road.  I've seen in my life and the life of others that a quick healing often puts us right back where were in life -- the same lifestyles, habits, attitudes.  This Leukemia came into my life like a tidal wave, utterly impossible to ignore, brush off, turn away from.  It got the core of me -- my blood -- and there was only one thing to do, and that is make friends with it. Partner with it, all the while the chemo medicines were being pumped in me with nauseating regularity.  I saw it as a symphony of many parts all working together and not apart.

Maybe these efforts, along with the many prayers on my behalf prompted the doctor to tell me last night that I'm doing so well he's thinking of an early release --  next week.  Then would begin my outpatient treatment.  My bloodwork is looking better and better each day!

One little wrinkle is they've found an infection in my blook they are trying to knock out now.  They may need to remove the PICC line inserted in my arm as they think that's the culprit, and then put a new one in on Sat. for my final chemo.

My room on the third floor has a tiny little sliver of a window to look out.  I see the plumes of smoke from the Kaiser generators -- glistening in the sun, forming magnificient shapes, quite beautiful.

My 80++ year old aunt made it safely from LA yesterday and will spend part of today going through old family photos.

Am feeling extremely nauseous today!  Thank you for your prayers. 

Dear Friends and Family,

Sorry for the lack of communication yesterday, I should have remembered how the effects of chemo are usually felt on the second day after treatment.  Yesterday, Monday, was a day of constant nauseau and extreme fatigue, brightened by a fun new male Vietnamese nurse named Vu who would banter with me, a visit with Peter's Sister who brought a beautiful scarf to cover my now 99% bald head.  The fun part of this is that I have no limits around how I can create myself.  My natural bohemian-bent is coming to the fore at the moment.  But who knows?  I may buy myself a platinum blonde wig.  The skies the limit!

Than Peter made his nightly visit to tuck me in.

Yesterday brought me into some deeper places of volunerability.  It took all my effort to turn the tide from discouragement and an existential type of loneliness.  I know in the healing progress that these types of moments will come up, sooner or later, and that they too need to be welcomed, not resisted.  It helped to let them be for awhile so I could discover and feel their presence and just what they were communicating.  More than anything I want to learn from this experience.  I found myself accepting my human side, let some tears flow and spent much of the day turning these feelings over to the Divine.  This eventually brought a feeling of release.

This is my 3rd week in this little hospital room (was moved twice because of my heart), but all the rooms are pretty similar.  The "Doer" side of me which has been ferociously strong all my life, now must turn all its passion, imagination, prana, will into simply Healing and being.  As more time goes by, I'm finding little threads of myself that had gotten lost in the shuffle of life. 

I will hear about my blood counts soon.  Feel like I'm on the home stretch now.  Just have to get through this week and by Sat. the chemo is done and I'll be going into other forms of treatment (which will include other forms of chemo, some oral).

I love you all.

Heidi

"For everything that has been,Thanks.
For everything that will be, Yes."

The first time I heard this quote, I instantly fell in love with it.  It came to mind this morning when thinking about my leukemia.  Yes to Leukemia?   Well, maybe yes to the experience, to the mystery, to our mortality, to the lessons, pains and pleasures along this very unexpected journey in my life.  

The chemo yesterday went surprisingly well.   I visualized Vincristine (a particularly toxic form of chemo) coming into my veins as the most beautifully colored glitter (the fine type) that you could ever imagine. It glittered its way through my blood, full of light, very task-minded.  It knew just what it had to do.  And I instructed my cells to comply.  I was amazed later how peaceful my body felt.  There was no resistence, no side effects to speak of.   I fell asleep with such an overwhelming feeling of contentment in my body.  Soothing, as if held in the arms of a beloved mother.

Slept very well and was awakened by the nurse coming into my room saying that my blood counts had shot WAY up in the night (a good thing).  Color has returned to my face.  I have some sense of having turned a corner last night...though my journey will bring me through many more valleys and mountains yet.

Today met with two dear friends.  Next week my 80 + aunt will be traveling from LA by train and stay two days in San Diego to be with me. The following weekend a friend is flying from Oregon. So much love has me humbled and brought me into the rememrance of how Love begets Love.  It is a never ending circle.  To feel it and really take it in during this time has been a huge part of my healing.

See you tomorrow, sweet ones...  Heidi

Quick Update - Heidi's Having a Good Day!

(this is her little bro :))

She is feeling a bit groggy and can't type into the computer, but wants everyone to know she is REALLY feeling that she is turning the corner, and that her recent blood work was VERY positive, and the AFIB medication seems to be working quite well!!



 She will try to post later today when she is less groggy from the medications.

Love to everyone and the universe of support!

Here's a recent picture - thanks Peter!

Good morning my dear family and friends,  I woke up early today, around 5, and tuned into the silence of the early morning (minus all the little beeps and  whirls the machines round me make -- and the clammer of the nurses station outside my door.  All of this is quite a lot of noise when you think about it.  How nice to find a kernel deep, contemplative silence right in the heart bustling hospital.

This morning has definitely brought my contemplative side to the fore.  As I lay in bed at 5 a.m. I gently asked to be given insight about this illness, all aspects of it, most importantly why it has come to visit me in this lifetime.  What are its gifts?  It's lessons? I want to look at my part with brutal honesty.  This process was about allowing and opening, and not thinking.  I felt a sensation in my body -- a pulling down, a heaviness.  It felt like the weight of stress I've been carrying for so many years -- part of which has been because of my predisposition, personality, and on and on.  The clarity of the sensation (which was body/mind) was pure, revelatory, and very instructive.

I went to deeper levels and saw more.  Actually, a puzzle appeared behind my closed eyes with a number of pieces already filled in.  I took this to mean that there are things I already know.    One of the biggest pieces -- it looked like the state of Montana -- had the word FAITH on it.  Thas has always been a big one for me.  I will continue this inner journey now each day

The outer journey kicks up a notch today with two chemo treatments.  I actually got brave and read about the one called Vincristine...a rather sweet name for such a deadly (controlled) killer!  One drop on your skin causes severe skin problems.  But I will welcome it into my body with open arms (cells) and allow full reign over my blood, knowing that God is in the medicine, even this medicine.  Where is God not?

Going into my third week next week will be like finally seeing the finish line.  Two more chemos next week and then the rebirthing of my marrow will take place and I will be feeling a whole lot better!

Love to each of you.

Woke up this morning with this deep knowing inside that I'm going to be all right.  It's not an intellectual knowing or because of some doctor's comments.  It's just a feeling. My body felt a little perculating of happiness today.  It's similar to the way we feel  when we're cozy in bed.  The air is cool, the blankets warm and we have a sense of contentment within. Yes, there's still pain and I have some gruelling days ahead of me.  Two chemo treatments tomorrow (a powerful combination that took days to feel better last time) ....but  I am on the home stretch now.  Two more weeks to go.  Next week will be the final week of chemo.  The fourth week they will fill me with lots of life giving blood that will create new bone marrow tissue (They have it down to a science).  If the treatment of the past 4 weeks has been successful, I will have achieved remission!
Through the efforts of my boyfriend, Peter, we now have all the appropriate doctors consulting as a team on my case and immediately things began to improve. I got on new heart meditation (which I avoided vehemently before because of the side effects -- but whaddya gonna do?)   I was pretty much in a constant Afit over the last week days, which just exsaperbates everything. 

I've been amazed, humbled, grateful, suprised and felt deeply, deeply  loved by all the visitors who have come or called. Some I haven't spoken to in many, many years and it has been healing to hear their voice and reconnect.

I long to just step outside the hospital and take in a big gulp of fresh San Diego Air!  That day will come and something tells me that this experience will have changed my life for the better in many ways.

Much love to you all..... Heidi

Two Pretty Gruelling days

This is the first strength I've had to write in a day or two.  My other conditions "reared their ugly heads" in  a bigger way than I expected.  After Monday night in the telemtry  Department for a fairly brief AFib episode-- 6 hours --I came back my familiar floor-- but not for long!  Went into another Maha (huge) Afib that lasted 17 hours.  They took me to the third floor where there is 24 hour care for "complex" cases.  The nurses here are wonderful. As a result of the AFib happening so intensely, I dediced to go on an Antirhymic meditation.  They help "some" people, but the toxic side efforts often outweigh the benefits which is why I've kept away from them for so long.  But these AFibs really affect the chemo treatment and I had to put that first. 

There are two more culprits that have sprung up that the nurses are working on diligently:  I can't eat solid food due to my hiatal herna.  Food is most needed in order to build my body back up.  I'm ending up drinking about two protein drinks a day and try to get down some soft eggs or couscous.  Through Peter's intercession, he got the doctors much more coordinated on my case.  I'm not consulting regurlarly with a gastreoentertrologt (forgive the spellin) and a cardiologist and hospital social work too.

The last complication is my blood pressure.  It's ranging between 85/65 to 92/67 This is causing EXTREME, CAN'T-KEEP-YOUR-EYES-OPEN FATIGUE.  I will be gettng a tranfusion of platetes today.

Oh, and one more thing!  I noticed that my hair seemed "matted" after a night's sleep.  That has never happened.  Once I took a brush to it, well, what can I say.  The day of the GREAT SHEDDING  has begun.  I'm already wearning one of my beanie camps.

What to  feel about all of this?  I bask in the love of my friends and family.  Right now philosophy doesn't reach me.  Just loving and being as loving in return to all the staff.  I am being stripped down, piece by piece so that a new life can begin