Dear friends and family,
Have now finished most of the Chemo for this hospital round; hope to hear today about my bone marrow biopsy of last week to see if I'm still in remission and if we can proceed -- finally -- with the spinal chemo. Will be a relief to get that behind me and to know that I have 2 full Chemo treatments completed and only 4 more to go in this first "incubation" stage (lasting approx. 6 months). I made up my mind awhile ago to focus on what's been completed rather than what lies ahead!
Things are going well so far today. My blood counts are holding their own. My pain is more tolerable....and we now have something that works for the nauseau.
I'm feeling surprisingly upbeat today. Maybe it's the cold grey weather (yep, as odd as it may seem, I love the coziness of a cold, grey day).... Maybe there is a sense of Grace flowing into and through my inner being. Whatever it is, I am keenly aware of it. There's an unmistakable feeling that everything is going to be OK, that this illness has a HUGE purpose in my life and that all is exactly as it should be. How wonderful it would be to be in this "knowing-ness" throughout life, to never let it dim or let doubt erode its power and presence!
Today I get to get off of the neutropenic diet again (meaning I can have fresh fruits and veggies). I'll be having a salad for lunch. It's amazing not to be able to each FRESH fruits and vegetables. A real treat for today!
Feeling a little funky (nauseau) at the moment, so will sign out and may write more a bit later.....
Love to each of you... Heidi
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday -- Day After Christmas
My dear friends and family,
I woke up this morning feeling such overwhelming gratitude for all my friends. Whatever else this journey has in store for me, one thing is for sure: it is deepening my connection, love and care for each one of you. And when it is all said and done, what is more important in life than the love we share? There's a beautiful song I first heard in the ashram called "Nature Boy" by Nat King Cole. This one phrase has always remained with me, and is particularly meaningful to me this morning: "the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."
So simple...perhaps not always easy... Learning to love (accept, welcome) even the difficult experiences and people who have different styles and natures. Above all, learning more about self love. The first few weeks of this illness I found myself wondering what I did "wrong" that has drawn this experience into my life. Through the loving reminders of friends and family I am gradually turning my perspective around to feelings of gratitude for being so strong and courageous. There are many blessings incubating deep inside through this healing journey.
I dare say I had the most amazing Christmas in my life yesterday. 16 or more (lost count) showed up in my hospital room. My dear cousin, Jory, came down from LA, from his home in Seattle, with guitar in hand and we all sang Beatles' songs and Christmas songs. The whole second floor of the hospital was rocking out! Ana made me the most DELICIOUS Christmas dinner and after everyone left, dear Steve came by and we watched the movie Wall Street together. An OK movie...nothing terribly special, but oh so nice watching it with a good friend. Peter came to my room towards the end just to wish me a good night. It was such a satisfying day....a true gift.
All of this on top of hearing that my blood counts had improved dramatically!!!!! I had woken up at 2 a.m. Christmas day, wide awake and feeling the urge to meditate, visualize and affirm. For 4 hours I lay in bed listening to some truly powerful CD's around healing. At 6 a.m. they took my blood and in a couple of hours the doctor came in to say that my White Blood Count had gone from 1.7 to a whopping 3.2 (almost in the normal range) in one day! It rarely happens that the WBC takes this type of leap and it is a very good sign that my life force is working its magic! All my other counts were similar -- what we wanted to see go up, went up and what we wanted to see go down (lymphocytes, which show the presence of cancer in the blood) went down by 15%!
What a tangible experience of how our thoughts and intentions affect our health! As a result, I decided to set aside a special time each day for this wonderful elixir of mind/body self-generated healing. Along with this is the commitment to be gentle with myself if my counts fluctuate in spite of my efforts. I am finding that managing my expectations is particularly tricky for me. I so want my healing to be a linear, straight upward path. But there will be twists and turns that I must also welcome. Like this morning when my blood pressure is up to around 180, and has been going higher and higher since yesterday. They are trying to figure out why.
I will be going into my 6th or 7th week of being in the hospital this coming week. (I've deliberately lost count.) The sameness of my surroundings is made bright, warm and loving by all the visits/phone calls and emails I receive from you. I'm going to start drawing today, and reading...and perhaps begin to formulate ideas around writing a book about my healing journey. WHEN Leukemia is just a distant memory and am back to my strong self, I want to be an ally in some form for others who are going through this illness.
As soon as I get photos from Christmas Day I will post them on this blog. So stay tuned and be sure to check them out in the next few days!
Much, much love and good wishes for a bright New Year when at least a few (if not all) of your cherished dreams come true!
Heidi
I woke up this morning feeling such overwhelming gratitude for all my friends. Whatever else this journey has in store for me, one thing is for sure: it is deepening my connection, love and care for each one of you. And when it is all said and done, what is more important in life than the love we share? There's a beautiful song I first heard in the ashram called "Nature Boy" by Nat King Cole. This one phrase has always remained with me, and is particularly meaningful to me this morning: "the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."
So simple...perhaps not always easy... Learning to love (accept, welcome) even the difficult experiences and people who have different styles and natures. Above all, learning more about self love. The first few weeks of this illness I found myself wondering what I did "wrong" that has drawn this experience into my life. Through the loving reminders of friends and family I am gradually turning my perspective around to feelings of gratitude for being so strong and courageous. There are many blessings incubating deep inside through this healing journey.
I dare say I had the most amazing Christmas in my life yesterday. 16 or more (lost count) showed up in my hospital room. My dear cousin, Jory, came down from LA, from his home in Seattle, with guitar in hand and we all sang Beatles' songs and Christmas songs. The whole second floor of the hospital was rocking out! Ana made me the most DELICIOUS Christmas dinner and after everyone left, dear Steve came by and we watched the movie Wall Street together. An OK movie...nothing terribly special, but oh so nice watching it with a good friend. Peter came to my room towards the end just to wish me a good night. It was such a satisfying day....a true gift.
All of this on top of hearing that my blood counts had improved dramatically!!!!! I had woken up at 2 a.m. Christmas day, wide awake and feeling the urge to meditate, visualize and affirm. For 4 hours I lay in bed listening to some truly powerful CD's around healing. At 6 a.m. they took my blood and in a couple of hours the doctor came in to say that my White Blood Count had gone from 1.7 to a whopping 3.2 (almost in the normal range) in one day! It rarely happens that the WBC takes this type of leap and it is a very good sign that my life force is working its magic! All my other counts were similar -- what we wanted to see go up, went up and what we wanted to see go down (lymphocytes, which show the presence of cancer in the blood) went down by 15%!
What a tangible experience of how our thoughts and intentions affect our health! As a result, I decided to set aside a special time each day for this wonderful elixir of mind/body self-generated healing. Along with this is the commitment to be gentle with myself if my counts fluctuate in spite of my efforts. I am finding that managing my expectations is particularly tricky for me. I so want my healing to be a linear, straight upward path. But there will be twists and turns that I must also welcome. Like this morning when my blood pressure is up to around 180, and has been going higher and higher since yesterday. They are trying to figure out why.
I will be going into my 6th or 7th week of being in the hospital this coming week. (I've deliberately lost count.) The sameness of my surroundings is made bright, warm and loving by all the visits/phone calls and emails I receive from you. I'm going to start drawing today, and reading...and perhaps begin to formulate ideas around writing a book about my healing journey. WHEN Leukemia is just a distant memory and am back to my strong self, I want to be an ally in some form for others who are going through this illness.
As soon as I get photos from Christmas Day I will post them on this blog. So stay tuned and be sure to check them out in the next few days!
Much, much love and good wishes for a bright New Year when at least a few (if not all) of your cherished dreams come true!
Heidi
Friday, December 24, 2010
Christmas Party Tomorrow at Hospital
Just a p.s. to my blog entry of this morning (click on the entry at right titled "Greetings this day before Christmas" for the latest update): Anyone in town on Christmas Day is welcome to come by my hospital room and celebrate some Christmas Cheer. Bring goodies -- and there will also be some here...
TIME: NOON
PLACE: ROOM 2105 (Kaiser Hosp. in San Diego, off Zion)
Hope to see your smiling faces!
TIME: NOON
PLACE: ROOM 2105 (Kaiser Hosp. in San Diego, off Zion)
Hope to see your smiling faces!
Greetings on this day before Christmas!
Woke up as the first glint of sun entered my room....a welcome warm glow after days of grey. Felt energized (!) so straightened up my room, got my little "Christmas corner" organized -- a small tree, few packages, and goodies that I WILL relish on Christmas day! Enough of this neutropenic diet I've been on! (a diet they put you on in the hosp. when your white blood count is very low that excludes fresh fruit and vegetables). I can feel my restlessness beginning to stir after 6-7 weeks of laying in bed, eating hospital food (for the most part) and being "confined" to an environment and situation that gives me very little breadth or control over my activities.
I look out the window and dream about all the Christmas festivities taking place...the brightly colored shops and homes. The Christmas songs and jingles we've all grown so used to we almost take them for granted. I would love to smell that wonderful pine scent of a fresh Chrismas wreath...and I find a fair amount of satisfaction in my forays into imagination and memories....
The hospital Chaplain came in yesterday quite by surprise. Once we got through his formal "speil" we began to see we both love the mystical side of life. I loved it when he set aside his Bible and just began talking with me from his heart, sharing his secret desire to have been a monk instead of following the householder life, how (we have both) struggled with surrender...REAL surrender. It was wonderful finding a place of mutuality with this chaplain who follows a very different path than my own... We talked about finding a greater intimacy with the Divine and then, before leaving, he prayed for me with such sincere words that tears ran down my cheeks. It was touching.
For some mysterious reason, my white blood count hovers at about 1.6 The normal range is between 4-11 I believe. The doctors are puzzled and I am too. Every day I visualize those white blood cells increasing, becoming fat and happy with the Divine Light! When you send a loving thought or prayer my way, please join me in stimulating these wonderful cells into reproductive action!
The doctors have been waiting for these cells to increase before beginning the next phase of chemo, but decided yesterday to start anyway. They don't wish to delay it any further. So I'm going to take a trip into Chemo-ville again. It's not the most pleasant place, to be sure, but it does help me focus on bringing in the Light, surrendering to the Good, and to know that I'll be one step closer to finishing the treatment for Leukemia.
The nurse just came in to begin the Chemo treatment. Wish me luck!
Woke up as the first glint of sun entered my room....a welcome warm glow after days of grey. Felt energized (!) so straightened up my room, got my little "Christmas corner" organized -- a small tree, few packages, and goodies that I WILL relish on Christmas day! Enough of this neutropenic diet I've been on! (a diet they put you on in the hosp. when your white blood count is very low that excludes fresh fruit and vegetables). I can feel my restlessness beginning to stir after 6-7 weeks of laying in bed, eating hospital food (for the most part) and being "confined" to an environment and situation that gives me very little breadth or control over my activities.
I look out the window and dream about all the Christmas festivities taking place...the brightly colored shops and homes. The Christmas songs and jingles we've all grown so used to we almost take them for granted. I would love to smell that wonderful pine scent of a fresh Chrismas wreath...and I find a fair amount of satisfaction in my forays into imagination and memories....
The hospital Chaplain came in yesterday quite by surprise. Once we got through his formal "speil" we began to see we both love the mystical side of life. I loved it when he set aside his Bible and just began talking with me from his heart, sharing his secret desire to have been a monk instead of following the householder life, how (we have both) struggled with surrender...REAL surrender. It was wonderful finding a place of mutuality with this chaplain who follows a very different path than my own... We talked about finding a greater intimacy with the Divine and then, before leaving, he prayed for me with such sincere words that tears ran down my cheeks. It was touching.
For some mysterious reason, my white blood count hovers at about 1.6 The normal range is between 4-11 I believe. The doctors are puzzled and I am too. Every day I visualize those white blood cells increasing, becoming fat and happy with the Divine Light! When you send a loving thought or prayer my way, please join me in stimulating these wonderful cells into reproductive action!
The doctors have been waiting for these cells to increase before beginning the next phase of chemo, but decided yesterday to start anyway. They don't wish to delay it any further. So I'm going to take a trip into Chemo-ville again. It's not the most pleasant place, to be sure, but it does help me focus on bringing in the Light, surrendering to the Good, and to know that I'll be one step closer to finishing the treatment for Leukemia.
The nurse just came in to begin the Chemo treatment. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Hi Everyone,
A Christmas gift came in the form of a HUGE boost of energy today! I woke up and immediately felt something was different.... like when you have a bad flu and one morning wake up knowing you have turned a corner -- energy, inspiration flowing, appetite better, more alert. Whatever the reason for this shift, I am grateful to feel among the living. Took a 30 min. (!) walk down the hospital hallways...connecting with patients, nurses and doctors, looking out the windows on this floor at the grey rainy skies and rain-soaked hills. The usual Christmas decor strewn here and there on this floor looked magical to me. Perhaps at another time I would have seen it as "plastic" and "fake" -- but today it was pure beauty, down to the sugary candy canes and clumped silver tinsel!
On the reverse side of things, I have also been experiencing different and more intense types of pain in the last few days. But the miracles of Western Medicine came to my rescue in the form of a very powerful pain killer (which ordinarily I would try my hardest to keep from taking). Under the circumstances I willingly, gratefully and eagerly take it. Once it begins to work its wonders, I start to feel the pain ebbing from my nerve endings (and beginnings!). I have realized that all the energy used in dealing with the pain can now be directed into more positive feelings. So my latest mantra is: God bless pain killers!
Am still waiting to see if the spinal chemo treatment will happen today. All depends on my blood counts. As the day progresses, however, it seems less likely that this will occur.....
I'm not sure which angels or devas or mystical Christmas elves may be sprinkling blessings of good feelings into my body and spirit, but for the first time in 6 weeks I feel a deep sense of well being despite my present circumstances.
Thank you again for your continued interest in my welfare, for your love, prayers and friendship....
Heidi
A Christmas gift came in the form of a HUGE boost of energy today! I woke up and immediately felt something was different.... like when you have a bad flu and one morning wake up knowing you have turned a corner -- energy, inspiration flowing, appetite better, more alert. Whatever the reason for this shift, I am grateful to feel among the living. Took a 30 min. (!) walk down the hospital hallways...connecting with patients, nurses and doctors, looking out the windows on this floor at the grey rainy skies and rain-soaked hills. The usual Christmas decor strewn here and there on this floor looked magical to me. Perhaps at another time I would have seen it as "plastic" and "fake" -- but today it was pure beauty, down to the sugary candy canes and clumped silver tinsel!
On the reverse side of things, I have also been experiencing different and more intense types of pain in the last few days. But the miracles of Western Medicine came to my rescue in the form of a very powerful pain killer (which ordinarily I would try my hardest to keep from taking). Under the circumstances I willingly, gratefully and eagerly take it. Once it begins to work its wonders, I start to feel the pain ebbing from my nerve endings (and beginnings!). I have realized that all the energy used in dealing with the pain can now be directed into more positive feelings. So my latest mantra is: God bless pain killers!
Am still waiting to see if the spinal chemo treatment will happen today. All depends on my blood counts. As the day progresses, however, it seems less likely that this will occur.....
I'm not sure which angels or devas or mystical Christmas elves may be sprinkling blessings of good feelings into my body and spirit, but for the first time in 6 weeks I feel a deep sense of well being despite my present circumstances.
Thank you again for your continued interest in my welfare, for your love, prayers and friendship....
Heidi
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, Christmas Week
Dearest friends and family,
Just a quick, but oh so deeply felt, thank you for all your support via phone calls, emails, thoughts, prayers.... Sometimes I'm not quite up to responding. If you don't hear back from me, know that I have cherished your every word of love and good cheer, and send you -- on etheric wings -- my appreciation for all you are to me!
Just a quick, but oh so deeply felt, thank you for all your support via phone calls, emails, thoughts, prayers.... Sometimes I'm not quite up to responding. If you don't hear back from me, know that I have cherished your every word of love and good cheer, and send you -- on etheric wings -- my appreciation for all you are to me!
I dare say an experience like this has a way of shaking up any complacency and "taking it for granted" attitudes. I was just thinking last night how nice it would be to hop in my car, drive over to Trader Joe's, pick up something yummy, then come home to an enjoyable evening of candles and pre-Christmas coziness. Little things -- as small as breathing in the fresh air or getting my boots wet in the rain -- I miss so very much right now. I can look out the little sliver of a window I have in my room and see the rain falling (and falling and falling!). I'm keeping in touch with the sky from my hospital bed.... that big overarching sky that remains, in essence, changeless, regardless of clouds or rainbows.
"Develop a mind that is vast like space, where experiences both pleasant and unpleasant can appear and disappear without conflict, struggle or harm. Rest in a mind like vast sky." Majjhima Nikaya
Oh how I wish it were that easy! The mind can create a whole story around suffering, as mine has at times, by weaving together thoughts of the past with the pain of the present. Issues of life, death, connection with Spirit and the Universe, my relationships with friends and above all, with self, are clearly and unmistakably before me as never before.
I need reminders right now to WELCOME my current experience and feelings, regardless of what they are....even my inability to muster up a positive attitude at times. Welcome, Open, Allow (rather than stuff feelings), Vsualize, Afirm health and goodness. I've had a few days that have allowed me to explore deeper levels of my fear and worry -- not in a way that fixates on the negative, but that opens me to a deeper gratitude, acceptance and allowance. There are times when this flow is there and they generate even more strength and inner peace.
The doctors are shifting around my medications and I feel we have finally found the right combination for the nausea and pain. One of my doctors just came by to see me and started talking about the chakra system (Kaiser has come a long way!) He told me how medical science is discovering that biology (such as a chemo-devastated digestive system) can actually affect moods (as well as vice versa).
Hopefully, if my blood counts recover a bit by tomorrow (Wed.) I can begin with the second phase of the chemo -- into my spine. Wow! Notice how I wrote "Hopefully"! Am I really eager for the chemo to begin? Actually, I'd just like to get it behind me!
Til soon..... May each day of this week be blessed with easy navigating through rain puddles, bright smiles and a warm hearth and hearts surrounding you.
Heidi
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Saturday, December 18
Hi Everyone,
This past week has brought some clarity about my healing journey. It's no small matter to shut down the blood-making factory in the body (the bone marrow) which is what happened when I was in the hospital recently. It is stripped down to the foundation and the doctors wait to see how/when/if the body begins to create more cancer-free blood. In my case, I was fortunate that that process began to happen fairly soon and I was released a week or so early from the hospital.
I hadn't fully acknowledged how drastic this "factory shutdown", albeit temporary, is and how to factor it in to the whole Leukemia healing process. I had expected to bounce back quicker after the hospital but found most days all I could do was sleep and get a little food down. So my oncologist's wonderful nurse, Irna, and I had a very helpful talk yesterday. Irna is undoubtedly one of the kindest nurses I've ever met, with the most loving bedside manner who also has a broad knowledge about Leukemia. She's been working with leukemia patients for many years. She told me that it often takes at least a month to start feeling your oats again after treatment, sometimes longer.
This may seem like a small matter, but Irna explained how it is very common to have difficulty during the treatment stage I'm in. Reaching remission is incredible! With Leukemia, however, the treatment goes on for months after remission is reached. There's a natural tendency to expect to be at the "finish line" sooner, once remission is achieved. Alot of patience is required now.
Perspective, humor, inspiration, friends, -- these are so vital. I go into this week's treatment with renewed commitment to immerse myself in the Light, to stay connected to my deeper dimensions and to give and receive LOVE to the best of my ability.
Love, Love, Love to all of you! AND HAPPY LAST MIN. XMAS SHOPPING....
Heidi
This past week has brought some clarity about my healing journey. It's no small matter to shut down the blood-making factory in the body (the bone marrow) which is what happened when I was in the hospital recently. It is stripped down to the foundation and the doctors wait to see how/when/if the body begins to create more cancer-free blood. In my case, I was fortunate that that process began to happen fairly soon and I was released a week or so early from the hospital.
I hadn't fully acknowledged how drastic this "factory shutdown", albeit temporary, is and how to factor it in to the whole Leukemia healing process. I had expected to bounce back quicker after the hospital but found most days all I could do was sleep and get a little food down. So my oncologist's wonderful nurse, Irna, and I had a very helpful talk yesterday. Irna is undoubtedly one of the kindest nurses I've ever met, with the most loving bedside manner who also has a broad knowledge about Leukemia. She's been working with leukemia patients for many years. She told me that it often takes at least a month to start feeling your oats again after treatment, sometimes longer.
This may seem like a small matter, but Irna explained how it is very common to have difficulty during the treatment stage I'm in. Reaching remission is incredible! With Leukemia, however, the treatment goes on for months after remission is reached. There's a natural tendency to expect to be at the "finish line" sooner, once remission is achieved. Alot of patience is required now.
Perspective, humor, inspiration, friends, -- these are so vital. I go into this week's treatment with renewed commitment to immerse myself in the Light, to stay connected to my deeper dimensions and to give and receive LOVE to the best of my ability.
Love, Love, Love to all of you! AND HAPPY LAST MIN. XMAS SHOPPING....
Heidi
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