Cliff's Edge

Dear Friends and Family,

This update is not going to be easy to write, and even perhaps difficult to read because of recently learning about several masses in both kidneys. While I feel incredibly weary, there is, underneath all the buzzing thoughts of worry, a little hum of acceptance that is there too on this wild, crazy-making journey. Hearing this news just two days ago certainly beyond anything I could have imagined. I never thought I would get to this point. Yet here I sit on the edge of another cliff ... A biopsy is scheduled for next week yet it appears to be cancer based on the 3 cold energy treatments I've had since Thursday.

Interesting that kidneys hold the energy of fear, so I've been told. I have not felt fear recently, at least on a conscious level, but rather have been hopeful in a new beginning. But fear as I write this, I am aware of fear...fear of more pain, more procedures, and a painful death.

I finally found a foothold on this rug of life after almost 4 years of unbelievable ups and downs... and, as what has often happened in this journey, a new challenge comes from out of the blue. It's hard not to feel angry at life....

When faced with yet another “potential” setback and with the possibility of no bone marrow transplant after all this time (and being so close), I am strangely quiet inside. Is this God's way of forcing my tenacious grip on outcome? “Let go, My child” He whispers, though it feels like a shout. “Let go of what is not permanent.” Another rug gets pulled out from under me. Disbelief, disappointment, discouragement swirl around and within me with their sharp claws tearing at my hopes and yes, expectations. Tears flow. “I've come so far and was so ready for the transplant” my prayer/cry trembles on this gentle Sunday morning. “Is there Anyone listening?” I am humbled by the silence as I sit yet again among circumstances I cannot control. There is simply nothing, NOTHING, I can do, think or feel but just BE here, right now, in an empty space that gives me no assurance, no answers.

But there IS prayer (from the Psalms):

In my distress I call to You,

That You may come quickly

To comfort me.

Be strong in me that I might

Face the darkness

The despair that rises up

From the depths

Bless my tears that flow, O Healer,

Like a stream running to meet

The Living Waters of your Love

I yearn to live in peace,

Strengthen me as I face whatever comes...

And the Beloved responds:

“Trust in Love at all times

Pour out your heart to the Beloved

Let Silence be a Refuge for you....”

Love to you all, Heidi